Most parents think they can handle it worry by answering each question thoroughly and carefully. But every confidence becomes a “small representative” in the gym that thinks too much. A child’s brain learns that uncertainty is dangerous and that someone else will handle it.
For example, eight-year-old Josh asked his mother one night, “What if there’s a fire tonight?” His mother, Chloe, reassures Josh by pointing out that they have smoke detectors, an escape plan, and a high percentage of safety options. Josh feels calm and content for ten minutes, until his mind starts thinking “what if?” Or how about thirteen-year-old Piper, who goes into “are they mad at me” mode when her dad doesn’t get back to her after a letter she sent forty minutes ago? Piper’s calm dad tells her, “You have nothing to worry about,” until the next text delay crisis further rocks Piper’s world.
3 important points for parents
While it may seem counterintuitive when your child is seeking your reassurance, please consider that your reassurance is often a short-term fix with long-term costs. It calms the moment, but strengthens it nervous the habit of seeking confidence from the outside rather than from within.
My next point is that kids don’t need less worries. They need different relationships with their concerns. The goal is not to teach your children how to eliminate what-ifs, but to teach them to be tolerant and understand that you don’t have to be the first responder every time they encounter uncertainty. This means that your children can learn to accept their thoughts without trying to neutralize them.
My third point is that overthinking is not just a childish trait. Excessive anxious thinking reflects a parent’s coping style. This means that the point of intervention may not be the child’s overthinking, but the parents’ responses.
How to help your overthinking child in a healthy way
I’ve seen a lot written about children’s thoughts on race, but few practical tools to help them. One valuable tool is “Name it to calm it down.” This teaches your child to label the worry itself (eg, “That’s my anxious brain doing its ‘what if’ thing again and trying to take over now.) As I describe in detail in my book, Freeing your child from overthinkingnaming the pattern can help you avoid overthinking rather than trying to solve it. It’s a small shift, but it helps kids break the cycle without feeling like they’re alone in facing their fears.
