Not so long ago, the word carefree conjured up the image of a woman walking the streets of Paris, wearing large-rimmed, elegant sunglasses, oblivious to the hustle and bustle of the city. He is polite, cool and in control.
What I see now is a teenager who responds to emotional shocks with learned indifference. Indifference has become a social networks TikTok creators choose peace and separation over drama, especially when it comes to relationships, declaring, “I’m so restless.”
The teenage brain
What’s surprising about this trend (which also affects single adults) flies in the face of much of what we know. adolescence. A teenage brain doesn’t make it easy to play it cool. The amygdala, nucleus accumbens, and other parts of the brain involved in emotional reactivity and reward seeking mature faster than the prefrontal cortex, which helps us train. self control.
But any unguarded moment a. in a period that may end with viral video and can screenshot and share impulsive text, young people have come to see it as an answer to divorce. Dating (a term so formal that young people don’t even want to use it) is full of ambiguity. You can be texting with someone you like for a long time and feel something big building up between you, only to have that person end the exchange without explanation, leaving you and your feelings in the virtual dust. Maybe you’re sharing your confidence sex with your partner for several months, but one or both of you refuse to call what’s going on a “relationship.” All of this requires an endless game of who cares less.
In such an environment, indifference can seem like a refuge. Even if your amygdala isn’t playing up, you have every reason to want to be that woman on the street in Paris. The tactic is not new at all. Suppression of enthusiasm or need has evolved as a emotional regulation strategy to protect social status, maintain control, and project high mate value.
Yet when you get young people talking openly about the idea of apathy, it’s clear: they hate it. I teach an interdisciplinary seminar at colleges called Love and Heart Attack. When I brought up the term in class, everyone groaned. They called BS on the trend, but were at a loss as to how to get rid of it. All of this, of course, flies in the face of true carelessness. It won’t work if you hide the storm behind sunglasses.
So how do we help young people resist the pressure to be apathetic? Communications Specialist Alexandra Solomon and others adopted the term “chalant” as a cultural strike against a state of dating indifference. She urges people to be brave enough to be excited and attracted to themselves, insisting that it doesn’t make them weak.
Romantic feelings are important
as the author First love: Navigating Teens Through Relationships and Heart Attacks, I argue that parents and other supportive adults can help teens resist the pressure to play it cool by communicating romantic feelings, even when they don’t reciprocate. matter. Parents often dismiss what their children are going through as “just crushing,” unreal, and unimportant—while for the youth experiencing them, these feelings are the most real thing in the world. Showing support, care, respect and interest to a child in love will not make it worse. Instead, you’re demonstrating that you value romantic feelings as an important and meaningful part of being human.
Next, if your teen is struggling to stay calm in a confusing situation, you can reframe the problem by asking: Why are you ashamed of having a big heart and big feelings? Why are you ashamed of wanting one of humanity’s greatest rewards – love and being loved attention of a faithful partner in a healthy relationship? These questions don’t mean your child will get what they want. That we have no control. But they can help your child understand that it’s not weak to be someone who wants more, and that admitting how you feel is the only way to find out what’s really possible with someone else.
If it’s frustrating, as it can be, you have the opportunity to remind your child that the pain of rejection is necessary and inevitable. By feeling it, naming it, and living it, it’s how young people build the emotional muscles necessary for any relationship. If they continue to hide behind careless sunglasses, they may be missing out on the opportunity to practice the more difficult and valuable skill of caring.
