Marcus, the COO I worked for, had just helped lead the company through a major acquisition. Millions of dollars secured, decades of effort vindicated, every outward sign of success…yet he felt tired, unable to understand why.
The fact that he could not see, every moment passed through his life like a high meeting. He went through a lot of stress and went to great lengths to make sure no one saw him. Restraint was the only thing he saw from Marcus. The problem was that the cost of maintaining the facade was not even visible to him. So he didn’t make any effort to lighten it up.
The pattern goes back to a childhood A household that you still can’t and visible tension is understood as failure, never shown.
Your version may look different, but I’m sure you know the feeling. A minute before presenting to the board. When a project proposal is reversed. If someone compliments your work and your first instinct is, They are just being polite. A not-so-subtle disagreement with an important point you made in the meeting. An ad from six months ago still feels like a clerical error.
You know the feeling. And you know what you did after that – you put on the prepared mask. Quickly.
This feeling is called the fake phenomenon, and a systematic review of more than 11,000 people found that 62 percent experience it significantly (Bravata et al., 2019); in executive models, this rises to about 71 percent. The people who think we’ve “figured it out” are the ones who have felt it the most.
And the spread imposter syndrome It may feel unexpected, the real puzzle is why it is so difficult to overcome. Even very smart leaders who fully understand the pattern can stay in it for decades. The answer is not a feeling. What do you do with it?
Loop and lock
Enter moments of high risk and your brain’s threat system fires up. Usually, the rational part corresponds to: I did it. I am qualified. But when the threat is the main feeling for you person, When you are exposed as “they don’t think I am,” your threat response can override a rational response. You look for evidence that you don’t belong, and your brain finds it. Even when you succeed, your brain thinks it’s an exception, or thinks: All mine worry worked on it. I’ll need it next time. Self-doubt and the race to fix it starts to feel like your edge.
Awkward, perhaps. But, on its own, it can work.
But then comes the compounding problem that locks you in a loop. When in doubt, almost every top performer hides it. You try hard to keep your voice steady, to keep a neutral face, and not to show anyone any trouble. The instinct to completely hide your inner doubt may be the most expensive move you can make.
People who usually suppress expression of feeling don’t feel less; they appear calm on the outside and feel bad about themselves (Gross & John, 2003). It’s like starting a house fire without calling the fire department because you don’t want the neighbors to know there’s a problem.
This de-stressing also burns up the exact mental bandwidth you need to think clearly. In an already threat-responsive brain, you’ve added a second job at a time when your bandwidth is already stretched.
What this manifests for Marcus is that he works so hard to present himself as competent and safe that no one even bothers to convince him of this fact. Suppressing it actually exacerbates the problems he is struggling with.
If you’re illegible, corrective feedback won’t reach you, and honest”you made it” It tells your brain to never land.
The composure that everyone praises you for is what makes you stiff.
When a leader exhibits chronic calmness and never shares vulnerability or doubt, those watching quickly learn: Itching is unacceptable. They stop starting problems early. They hide their weather. You end up with a team that silently runs the same cycle, and you end up with a culture where no one tells the truth until a crisis. Most durable– look leadershiptherefore, everyone ends up teaching that discomfort is something to hide.
Why we fall into imposter syndrome
Simple advice: “Believe in yourself. Own your truth.” But it doesn’t work. Form is about belief, of course, but it’s a belief that was formed a long time ago… I do hook
Somewhere early on, looking like you have it all together is rewarded, and looking weak is frowned upon or punished. When you get to the top, it stops feeling like a strategy and starts to feel like you who are you It’s identity, not a mask you want to wear at work. The composure you use to quell doubt is like character. Letting it go can be scary.
Essential Readings on Imposter Syndrome
What to do instead
The goal is not to feel less doubt. Research shows that this creates more problems. The real goal is to stop suppressing it. Here are three steps to help you get started:
- Give yourself a specific name. “I’m not emphasized” but “I’m worried because the board is evaluating the call, I’m not sure.” Verbalizing the emotion measurably calms the brain’s threat response (Lieberman et al., 2007). Do this for 10 seconds before entering or when the fear returns.
- Treat the feeling as information, not judgment. Doubt doesn’t mean you don’t belong; it tells you that you are in great danger that you are interested in and that something is definitely not resolved. Question: What exactly is unclear here? There is usually a real, answerable question underneath the global fear.
- Let one person see the actual reading. This will break the lock. You don’t have to be emotional in the boardroom, but you should stop pretending that emotion is a closed door. Choose one trusted person, a trusted person, and let them see real-time real-time weather. One weak sentence: “I’m second-guessing this and want to think out loud” can make all the difference and release a lot of pressure. It can also open the door for real corrective signals to come back in.
Marcus, the COO I opened, didn’t turn it around by sheer force of will. During one of the overloaded weeks, he canceled a departmental meeting and let his state’s bona fide students call, instead of calling it good.
This is action. Not overly dramatic, but not on autopilot. He used the free time to collect his thoughts, adjust better and prepare for the next meeting.
Remember this: the loop is awkward; not dealing with discomfort makes it permanent.
Feeling like a fraud is a sign that you care, and is a response to a predictable threat that is loudest among people who take their place.
The composure you use to hide it, this feeling will never get air and light, so it needs to be addressed.
You don’t have to be down to lead, but you should stop confusing a poker face with power. The strongest leaders are those who can name what they feel, read it accurately, and reach them while doing so.
So think about this this week: What door have you closed and who can you let see what’s behind it?
For more on the hidden drivers behind persistent patterns like this, see my book No hook.
