How to recognize the hidden signs of the problem
People often enter therapy when a relationship is in crisis. In my practice, I have worked with many people who came to me because they were “blindsided” by their partner. They were thinking that everything was fine when his partner got up and left him. It has become clear to me that there are subtle dynamics and behaviors within these couples that, while often overlooked, indicate that their relationship is in trouble. Unfortunately, if the partners had seen them and turned to them, their relationship could have had a different outcome.
Below are some of these dynamics and suggestions for addressing them. Communication is important in this work. Create a safe environment where each of you can talk freely about yourself and your feelings. Make sure you are calm and can come to your partner from a friendly place. When you talk and listen to each other, it’s important to communicate with your partner in a caring and loving way. By directly addressing the following patterns, you can begin to feel for yourself and your partner and establish an openness to communicate differently. Here we go:
Each partner has their own story about their relationship. One may think, “I am sacrificing more.” “I’m working harder.” “I’m the kind of person who takes care of everything.” And their stories are often contradictory. In one couple I worked with, both partners considered themselves the primary breadwinners. In another, each is labeled as the most caring parent. A person’s perception of themselves and their partner and what each brings to the relationship can be very different. They can live in two different realities while sharing the same life.
By adulthood, people have generally developed unique ways of perceiving life and the world in which they live. This view is formed during childhood as a combination of their unique emotional structure and psychological connection/tendency, and is influenced and reinforced by life experiences. As a result, each person is unique in how they form emotional bonds and interact with others.
It’s helpful to try to “put yourself in your partner’s shoes” to understand where they’re coming from and what they’re going through. This requires putting aside your own thoughts and reactions and treating them with genuine interest and curiosity. This means letting go of your assumptions about their motivations and feelings, and instead asking and really listening to them about their thoughts and views, feelings and reactions, hopes and intentions.
Each Partner believes they are doing a noble thing by “not making waves” and suffering in silence. They imagine that they will suppress their resentments and quietly make the best of a disappointing relationship. But their misfortune is considered sure Underlying anger and resentment manifests as tension and hostility in everyday behavior and interactions. There is never an unhappy partner in a relationship; if one partner is unhappy, so is the other.
A major sign of trouble is when a couple never disagrees. If there is no disagreement, then someone is not honest. It is impossible for two people to think the same way and see everything with the same eye. Therefore, you should be prepared for awkward conversations. Each of you should talk about what you want and what you don’t like. Each of you should be honest about your anger.
The truth is, there are ways in which you are different from each other. As your communication becomes more open, you will have disagreements. This is a healthy sign of two people in an honest relationship. And through this process, you will rediscover your individuality and appreciate your partner as well.
Every Partner feels like a victim in the relationship. Thinking and suffering in silence leads to victimization. This does not mean that a person’s unhappiness is not justified or legitimate, but rather that the inaction of remaining silent in the face of complaints can make him feel like a victim of his circumstances. It’s easy to get caught up in feelings of being used or unappreciated. They may even see their non-confrontational behavior as noble or praiseworthy, when they take a position of weakness and harm themselves and their relationships.
True collaboration requires two autonomous individuals. If one of the partners is submissive, dominant, childish or parental, inequality destroys the relationship. No one is a victim in their life because they have the ability to make choices as adults. These choices may be difficult, but they are choices. Choosing to be honest about your feelings for yourself and your partner can challenge the ways you’ve grown to be the victim in your relationship.
Sharing life with another person can be difficult at times, but it can be one of the most rewarding things you can do. Cultivating empathy for yourself, your partner, and each other’s unique worldviews, being open about what you each want and hope for, and letting go of behaviors that make you feel like a victim are tools that can help your relationship grow.
Things you see differently, including things you want always see differently, this is not a sign of death for your relationship, but can be a springboard for interesting conversations, compromises and cooperation. In such an environment, situations that once caused resentment can be met with affectionate banter, a little gentleness, a little grace. It also provides the potential for true intimacy—really knowing your partner and being known by them. And because of the honesty between you, being blind doesn’t have to be an option.
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