Sarah had had very little contact with her mother for the past few months, and the first Mother’s Day was approaching.
“I sent the card in the mail and planned to send a text on Sunday,” she said. “But why do I still feel guilty? Like I should be doing something more?”
“What else do you think you can do?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” he said. “The whole thing makes me emotionally exhausted. It reminds me of all the birthdays, holidays and graduations he ruined. I ignored it for years and turned the other cheek to save face for the rest of the family. I had to pretend he didn’t do these things because I didn’t have anyone safe to turn to.”
“Now that I’m grown with my own children, I have the safety and strength to understand what happened. I know I can’t spend Mother’s Day with her. I can’t.”
“So I guess you have your answer,” I said politely. “I think you’ve done the best you can. Anything else would mean abandoning yourself to maintain an emotionally unsafe relationship.”
Family-centered celebrations can feel overwhelming after abuse or alienation
Sarah is not alone.
Many people struggle with days like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays, and other family holidays. These days can be especially painful because society sends constant messages about what families are assumed look like We are told need be together We need to celebrate We need buying flowers, having breakfast, posting smiling family photos or gathering around the grill together. And we all have to smile and agree while doing it.
But some people can’t do it safely.
This is especially true for individuals whose parents have been emotionally, psychologically, or physically abusive. Many of my clients have had little or no contact with the parents who harmed them throughout their lives. For some, distance became possible only after having children of their own and realizing the need to protect them. For others, it took years therapyhealing and finally feeling safe enough to honor their experiences instead of minimizing them. Others felt safe enough to acknowledge and admit abuse once they were no longer financially tied to those who harmed them. For many people, recognition is an important part of healing. And for some, this recognition also leads to the realization that they need distance through limited contact, low connection, or complete alienation.
The holidays can fuel guilt and isolation, but keeping two realities at the same time helps
Acknowledgment and healing do not magically erase guilt from what we need to do
You can’t walk into the grocery store this time of year without seeing reminders to buy flowers for Mother’s Day. Restaurants are filled with families celebrating mothers and grandmothers. Social networks friends and colleagues are fed up with posting family pictures with messages of closeness and family unity.
For those experiencing withdrawal, it can feel deeply isolating.
If you relate to this, I want you to practice one thing this weekend: holding two truths at once.
We can admit that Mother’s Day is meaningful to many people. We recognize that many mothers have sacrificed themselves and fought with themselves traumaor tried to survive with limited emotional resources and support. We can empathize with the pain or limitations that shaped them, and that in turn falls on us.
At the same time, we can recognize that understanding someone else’s pain does not require sacrificing our own safety or well-being.
You can acknowledge the complexity of your parent’s story and how their behavior has affected you. You are allowed to love someone and still need distance from them. You are allowed to choose peace over work. Being understanding and empathetic doesn’t mean giving up or forcing yourself rejection from your own needs.
Take care of yourself in whatever way you need until this weekend. For some people, this may mean a holiday. For others, it may mean grief. And for some, that may mean protecting their peace, no matter what that looks like.
