Anger is inevitable, natural, part of being human! So why is our relationship with our anger so complicated? Anger is often seen as something toxic to be avoided, as if it is the same as aggression. It is not. The truth is that if we acknowledge our anger, even to ourselves, it can become something that is as comfortable to feel and think about as any other emotion. This actually leads to less aggression, less hostility, and more room to choose how to deal with those feelings. To choose how to address them. To understand that fleeting feelings of anger happen every day, sometimes every hour! – and no more dangerous or terrifying than other emotions.
Sometimes we are uncomfortable admitting that we are not completely justified in our anger. Other times, we may try to ignore it to “keep the peace,” worried that someone will explode or cause it to explode. There are so many conflicting emotions surrounding this intense feeling that unhealthy patterns of dealing with it often arise.
In order to find healthy ways to deal with anger, we need to change the way we deal with it. Experiencing anger as an acceptable and human experience can help us feel better emotionally and physically. Here are some helpful principles that can change how we view and deal with angry emotions.
- Don’t ignore it.
Despite all our efforts to deny or hide the unpleasant feelings, it still affects us. The only difference is that we move away from understanding it, which leads to more confusion about how we feel in general. Being honest with ourselves about how we feel keeps us from the emotional pitfalls of passive-aggression, cynicism, irritability, or a vague sense of guilt or discomfort at the end of the day.
- Remember, anger doesn’t have to be rational.
Dealing with our anger carelessly reminds us that emotions and actions are very separate things. Our feelings do not define who we are. As Dr. Daniel Siegel says, we can take a “BROWN” approach to our anger, meaning that we are curious, open, and loving towards ourselves and what we are experiencing, even when it seems inappropriate to us. As relationship expert and educator Dr. Piot Love says, we can always “feel the emotion, but do the right thing.”
- Avoid building work.
An angry feeling does not necessarily make complete sense to us at the time we experience it. There is no need to try to rationalize what we are feeling or to justify it by thinking about the details. It’s just a natural, instinctive response that we can entertain rather than let it steal our thoughts. If we simply feel anger and admit it to ourselves, rather than trying to prove that the feeling is “right,” we are less likely to hurt ourselves or others.
- Distinguish adaptive from adaptive anger.
Any emotion can tell us who we are and what affects us. “Another controversial idea is that anger can be adaptive and healthy” said Dr. Les Greenberg, an emotion-focused therapist and founder. “Many people think that anger is always wrong, that it’s inappropriate, but well-handled anger can be a very healthy emotion.”
Greenberg stands out Primary emotions, which are a person’s “most basic, immediate initial reactions to a situation,” such as lost anger, are their secondary emotions, a response to their own thoughts or feelings rather than to the situation itself.
Greenberg says that if a person experiences anger as an unusual secondary emotion, it is helpful to delve deeper into this primary or primary trigger in order to overcome the emotion. Big feelings are often related to our past. For example, a person may be angry that a partner comes home late. They may then be forced to punish their partner by stoning them. However, if they look at the first, immediate emotional reaction that preceded the anger and punishment, they may realize that the primary emotion they felt was actually shame. Perhaps they have an underlying sadness due to feelings of rejection or depression. When they tap into this core emotion, they can feel more self-compassion and communicate their wants and needs directly to their partner.
- Pay attention to your critical inner voice.
When examining our anger, one thing to note is the overly critical thoughts surrounding anger. Each of us has an inner critic, formed by our early experiences and in the form of destructive thoughts that turn us against ourselves and others.
When anger arises, this critical inner voice may say, “You should be angry! You should be angry! He always thinks everything is your fault!” Or he might say, “You’re always so angry. If you were a caring person, you’d just be nice and let it go.” Neither of these extremes makes sense, and neither is in our best interest.
A good way to tell if this “voice” is drowning out our true perspective is if we start to feel increasingly agitated or upset. Are there many thoughts about our anger? Build the job? Are we bombarding ourselves with all kinds of defining statements? Are we guessing what the other person is thinking or feeling? All of these could be signs that our critical inner voice has taken over the wheel and it’s time to reset and rethink that path.
- Give yourself what you need to calm yourself down.
The best way to deal with anger is to be clean and honest. It’s okay to be angry. It is good to learn where our anger comes from and what triggers it in us. It’s okay to let any emotion consume us, and it’s okay for us to be kind to ourselves.
By giving ourselves time and space to experience intense emotions, we can feel freer with them and more in control of what we want to do with them. In our webinar How to deal with anger, Dr. Lisa Firestone spends a lot of time reviewing a collection of techniques that can help you regain calm during stressful times. This includes practices such as Call it Tame It and 4-7-8 Breathing. Whether our anger is triggered by something painful in the past or something frightening in the present, there are healing ways to deal with it.
This post was originally published on April 29, 2022 by Dr. Lisa Firestone and has been updated to include new insights.
