“I hate you!”
What does your child mean when they say this? What do you do about it?
At the end of a weekend full of tumultuous moments that included screaming, Jackie thought hard about whether or not to give 14-year-old Erin the usual Sunday night restrictions. It felt too tempting to let him go to keep the peace. He was tired of explosions and tension. Eventually, Jackie decided to take some time off, but when she told Erin it was time to put the phone down and go to bed, her daughter started yelling at her again. A heartbroken Jackie couldn’t find the door, and Erin seemed to be saying “I hate you” with every breath she took. Only the closed door between them could silence her screams.
How to think about it
Taking the words “I hate you” literally can make a parent very dark. personal space where you take the statement at face value and take it to heart, it can be very painful. Hopefully this will trigger a more reflective process where you can identify what you think and feel about your bad mood. If you see it as a natural or inevitable part parenthoodAdolescent aggression, expressing frustration with parental boundary setting and control, continues. If it’s more personal, honest, or aggressive, talk to yourself, your partner, a friend, or a therapist before moving on. That’s what Jackie needed. Parents need to understand what it means in the here and now and in the past, and whatever that means to them. How much do you believe this is your child’s truth, and how much of it is a teenage weapon or the result of a child saying things before thinking?
It is very natural for children to “remove” their feelings towards their parents. We see this from the beginning of our children’s lives. They show us how they feel before they tell us how they feel. How we respond emotionally is critical. Naturally and frankly the best. Tight and closed are the worst. How we respond to behavior is also important. Think about the experiences between you and your child. How does your child best receive comfort, strategies, and other support from you? What about restrictions and regulations? Do you suspect that something else is going on with your child that might prompt him to fight? Finally, consider what you are comfortable with before interviewing them. There is no need to talk about it right away; sometimes it’s good to hit. A cooling off period can be beneficial for both of you. Alone time is good – not punishmentbut as time for your child to reflect or reset.
What to watch out for
In our clinical experience, we have found that one of the most negative parenting responses occurs when a parent abandons what they believe is right in order to appease their child and avoid confrontation. They stick to what their child can handle easily, but deprive them of the opportunity to learn to manage themselves better. While compromise is important, you don’t want to sacrifice a moment where emotional learning can happen. We recommend that you don’t wait to see how your child reacts to your direction to change your message, although this may change the way you send the message or the timing. So keep in mind how to best pitch your line, but don’t shy away from pitching it. For example, if Jackie always allowed her daughter to stay up until Erin fell asleep with her phone in her hand because she wanted Jackie to prevent Erin from exploding, we would observe that because she didn’t have Erin’s phone in her hand. self control he was taking care of himself and he ignored what his daughter needed from him. Another possibility is that if Jackie could understand Erin’s yelling as her daughter’s way of emotionally venting during class, maybe Jackie could tolerate the yelling without taking it personally. With more experience between them, Jackie would develop a better bond with Erin, and thus her expectations and expectations could evolve. Jackie could see this as part of Erin’s emotional growth and development and a key aspect of her parenting.
When to look deeper into it
For some children and adults, “I hate you” may be related to deeper feelings that should be addressed by a professional. Your child may need help with how to accept their feelings. All of us can have strong emotions. And we all need to learn how to process them. If your child withdraws, becomes quiet, won’t eat, struggles to sleepor shows altered behavior with their peers, it’s a good time to consult your pediatrician. Whether your child needs emotional support from a professional or you want to support your parenting yourself, we’ve got you covered. Sometimes, talking about it with a psychologist or psychiatrist can reduce the tension to a manageable level for both of you.
As we understand from our clinical work with children and parents, “I hate you” is a normal reflection of emotional experience. Sometimes it reflects feelings towards parents. Sometimes a parent is an easy and available target for feelings that have nothing to do with the parent at all. All children are capable of emotions ranging from hate to love, and there are many in between. Strong emotions are harder to process. Learning how to control yourself in the face of these emotions is a normal developmental challenge. A child needs experience and help to learn how to deal with all this. As many parents learn how to best care for their grieving child, they also find that they need help and guidance. It’s inevitable that children will take their feelings out on you, a parent can take it personally, and this can be an instance where professional help can be helpful. As always, the best way to deal with parenting problems is to look them over and learn from them next time. In parenting, next time is usually inevitable, but experience is a great teacher.
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