I’ve had a lucky life. I was born in a middle class family in a modern developed country. My children and loved ones were healthy. We were given medical care. I have never suffered from financial difficulties. I have always had friends. I enjoyed my work and interests.
I know that a lot of how I feel lucky has to do with what I choose to focus on. Not everything is perfect, but I focus on the good and am grateful. I know people in similar situations to mine who focus mostly on the negative and are very unhappy in their lives.
I have always considered optimism to be a positive trait. Early on, I developed the attitude that we can determine our future to a large extent. I believe that we are responsible for our decisions and their results. When my children were frustrated, I encouraged them by saying, “Let’s face it, every problem has a solution.”
Positive thinking
But over the past few years, I’ve begun to question my optimism. When asked if the glass was half full or half empty, I would say, “No, just think, if it was a smaller glass, it would be completely full.” I understand that this is avoiding the question.
I found that my positive thinking had a hopeless side. I believe that if you are positive and optimistic, bad things will not happen to you. Pessimistic people bring bad things to themselves. For example, in my opinion, if you are a hypochondriac, you are more likely to get sick. But with recent cruise ship outbreaks of various kinds, Covid and Ebola threatening entire communities in Central Africa, I find myself living in a world that kills people, be it somehow optimistic or pessimistic.
I became aware of another magical thinking. When someone died, I tended to feel guilty. It was their fault for smoking, for not going to the doctor soon enough, for not heeding the advice of their friends. Or it’s someone else’s fault—the doctor, their family, a friend—someone who is guilty of incompetence or carelessness. But that thinking became more difficult when my sister was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. He did everything right: diet, exercise, lifestyle. Our family has healthy genes. Who could I blame? I had to face the reality I was trying to avoid: painful things – diseases, fires, earthquakes and … death – just happen.
Then came my belief that “almost every problem has a solution.” I cling to the idea that science can eradicate disease and save our lives. But the fact of “saving our lives” – no matter how much it happens – does not solve the problem of death. Whenever life throws me tragedies, a friend gets sick, or a loved one dies, I find myself wishing, “When life goes back to the way it was. When life is good again. When life goes back to ‘normal’.” Is it true or is it self-delusion? Perhaps I understand that these harder realities are not an anomaly. Perhaps these parts are as natural and normal as human life.
The illusion of security
I had to stay away from unpleasant things, avoid difficulties, and avoid unhappiness in order to maintain the illusion of being in control of myself and thus protect myself from illness or death. I created an inner Pleasantville. As a child, when I felt alone and unsafe in the world, this illusion of safety was an effective survival mechanism for me. Unfortunately, avoiding negative situations and keeping myself at a comfortable distance from people isolated me and prevented me from interacting with others.
In my magical world, I miss the big, messy feelings, interactions, and experiences that give life depth and structure. It brings you closer to those you share. When you fight them, it gives you a sense of accomplishment. This allows you to have more fun when the good times happen.
I’m starting to realize that I’m not gold. Yes, I was blessed. Yes, I am lucky. But I’m not special. I was not chosen by a higher power to have a better life than anyone else. I was brought down to earth. My magical wings have been clipped. But my life is bigger and fuller now because I’m experiencing the good and the hard, the joy and the pain, that come from being close to loved ones in the real world.
This post was originally published on November 3, 2021 as Unknowingly Guilty of Magical Thinking and has been updated to include new insights.
