Whether it’s political divisions, it’s a threat AI for future jobs, economic inequality, or even World Cup refereeing calls, our culture encourages us to make constant decisions about who is right, who is wrong, and who to blame. Has a culture of judgment-filled abolitionism instilled in us an instinct to slowly build the walls of the invisible prison cells in which so many of us live?
Now I propose another possibility: some people and changing circumstances can harm you, in fact, play an unexpected role in your growth, and moreover, this forgiveness it’s not about rewriting what happened to you, it’s about revisiting it and imbuing it with new meaning.
Maybe you still haven’t made a mistake
The approaches to forgiveness embedded in our culture focus on how the other person has “wronged,” “hurt,” or “hurt” us. In his book Sweet spotfor example, Berkeley sociologist Christine Carter suggests writing a letter of apology to a student. He gave an example of a letter that ends with, “I forgive you for hurting me.”
While Carter’s book offers other helpful tips for living a meaningful life, ask yourself if you would be comfortable receiving such a letter. If you resent the idea, it is because it is full of judgment.
Why? “You hurt me” is the message of the forgiver. “I am the ruler of right and wrong and I have decided that what happened between us was your fault. I forgive you now.”
Have you ever been “correct”?
You forgive people for “wronging” you when they “correct” you in the long run. You forgive someone for showing up and being the interaction partner you need at the right time, so you can learn and grow and clarify what you value.
Experiencing the suffering associated with this form of learning is no walk in the park, and the alternative—staying at home and giving up learning and growing—isn’t such an attractive option.
As I wrote in my book Love and Suffering: Break the emotional chains that prevent you from experiencing loveIf you think you are “wrong”, over time, further investigation may show you to be “right”.
You don’t forgive another person for “doing” you wrong; you’ll thank them so you can learn and grow, too. “The Only True Meaning of Forgiveness” writes writer John Demartini“Thank you to give It’s an experience for me.”
An event happens
I must add that some terrible events cannot be reassessed in this way. For example, no one will tell you that a loved one is “entitled” because they were hurt by another person or because they have a painful, incurable disease. If you tell someone in this situation, “Everything happens for a reason,” you may lose a friend and you will certainly lose influence.
In such dire situations, the sage advises: “Something happens, you can’t change it. It’s up to you whether you can find a reason or not.” trauma This will allow you to continue living and, perhaps, if you are lucky, grow.
According to the Sufis, if you are walking in the garden and step on a thorn, do not forget to say thank you. However, you may not be grateful for everything With David Steindl-Rustfor the past 70 years Benedict has been a monk, you can be grateful for every minute.
You can’t be grateful for every event (that you’ve lost someone), but you can be grateful that you’re alive and that you have the ability to learn from each event in your life. The truth is that the two are related: your ability to explore and find meaning in your tragedies is what allows you to feel alive.
Basic Readings on Forgiveness
So being grateful doesn’t mean it happens for a reason. It means things happen. Whether we like it or not. After they happen, you need to figure out what you can learn from them—how you can become wiser, stronger, and more determined in your life—and the benefit of the lessons these events have taught you in your life.
