Think about important friendships you’ve had and lost over the years. Perhaps it is easy to remember those that ended after betrayal or quarrel; similarly, you can remember those who have passed away after your circumstances have changed.
But what about friendships that don’t feel right anymore? Those who were once helpful, but now feel like you’re draining your energy, or losing someone you once loved?
It may not be a sudden shift in the relationship, but instead a gradual change in the amount of time you spend together. You probably find yourself making all the calls, all the planning, all the showings. Maybe your text threads are mostly what you sent them, without many replies.
Psychological research has revealed what you feel; Some psychologists call it a asymmetrical relationship, when talking about others unmatched emotional laboror over/underpowered speaker. The work you put in is a friendship is called technical serviceand in these cases there is a serious disparity.
As you can imagine, friendships thrive when both parties feel understood and validated, as if their friend is trying to keep them happy and well—a phenomenon known as sensitivity of the partner (Reis et al., 2004) – it works the same way with romantic partners, family relationships, and other social relationships. A subsequent study by Reis (2012) linked partner responsiveness to greater relationship satisfaction, higher levels of trust, better conflict resolution, higher psychological well-being, and physical health for both parties.
Research shows that friendships are good for you, especially if both of your friends put in enough effort. Of course, not all healthy friendships require a perfect 50/50 split of investments; Research by Blieszner and Adams (1992) suggests that friendships can go through stages—that closeness changes over time. This means that periods of disharmony can be normal in any relationship. But if you’re starting to wonder if your boyfriend isn’t offering you enough to keep the relationship alive, here are five signs to look for.
1. I text them all the time. They never refer to me.
Social exchange theory (Emerson, 1976) posits that people implicitly evaluate the perceived costs and rewards of relationships, and that persistent disparities lead to a loss of satisfaction over time. In other words, frequent, unidirectional communication is one of the clearest behavioral signs of asymmetric levels of investment.
Rawlins (1992) argued in his book on friendships that since they are voluntary, the only reason they survive over time is mutual aid. So, even though true friends don’t “keep grades,” they’re usually both invested enough in the friendship that each feels valued.
2. I feel tired after we spend time together.
The support of true friends is a wonderful, energizing, mutually beneficial connection that can make everyone feel valued and restored. If not, it can have profound effects: a much-cited study by Wallen and Lachman (2000) found that if a friend makes too many demands, is often critical, or cannot be trusted, the resulting “social strain” is often associated with health problems and a reduced sense of well-being. Friendships that drain you can even be bad for your physical health, and this can even be true of friendships with people you like.
3. They always talk about themselves.
Another source of social tension is the lack of reciprocity in relationships where one person shares everything and the other has to listen to everything. As I covered in the article about last year friendship researchers Patrescu and Vaida found that youth well-being was associated with higher levels of nonreciprocal friendships. stress and decreased psychological well-being. It’s called sharing the good news and celebrating it together capitalization, consistently predicts high relationship quality and positive emotions.
Unfortunately, the opposite is also true: according to Gable et al. (2004): receiving a passive or dismissive response to the good news you share can destroy these benefits and even damage your relationship.
4. I always make excuses for their behavior.
Maybe it’s “They’ve had a rough week” or “My text may have been buried” or even “I’m sure they didn’t mean it.” In some cases you are right; often a good idea give to your friends the benefit of the doubt. However, if this has become a long-term habit, then the wrong behavior of your friend will happen in your relationship. rationalization– this can be a sign of something important.
Over time, as you explain away these trivial and minor offenses, your explanations will probably become less convincing. After all, it may seem like an expression of your friend’s character, and not his character – and at this point the friendship weakens. Blieszner and Adams (1992) argue that this is one of the main factors in the deterioration of friendships over time.
5. If I don’t continue this friendship, it will disappear.
In a way, it’s not about maintaining friendships anymore; this people like it. To quantify this phenomenon, Jack and Dill (1992) created the Self-Suppression Scale, which measures the likelihood that a person will suppress their needs in order to maintain their own needs. closeness. Although the scale was developed and tested only on female subjects, the concepts that support it speak volumes about relationships in general: Trying to keep a person going while ignoring their own feelings, they found, was strongly associated with higher scores. depression inventory. When guilt and self-repression saves the relationship, the friend who does this inner, psychological work pays an emotional price.
What to do about a one-sided friendship
Ask for practical advice about such a relationship and you may hear the wrong choice: love it or leave it. But there are other ways to adjust your expectations or express your feelings about a perceived imbalance.
First, consider stepping back for a while. If someone has left you with a slight but persistent feeling of neglect, taking a break from that relationship may be telling. When you smoke, you can watch what your friend does in response: if they’re just having a rough day, they’ll sense the distance and respond by reaching out to you. Alternatively, you may find that the relationship doesn’t work the same without your efforts.
You can also try naming the problem. Avoid blame, to embarrassor accusing your friend of leaving you; talk about your feelings and your choices. “I seem to be taking the initiative when we’ve been talking lately. Have you noticed?” Whatever they say or do in response –apologizerecognize the range or go on the defensive – useful information when considering what to do next.
In fact, not all relationships work out the way you want them to. It can be friendship depending on the situation; they often are changes over time. As the years go by, some close friendships become routine. Most of the time, it’s no one’s fault, and maybe it’s not even a loss—it’s just a natural consequence of decisions you made for other reasons. If you think this might be the case, think about the amount of investment i want entering into this relationship.
Friendships, as we all know, are different from family relationships because they are chosen and they are interdependent (Pezirkianidis et al., 2023; Blieszner & Adams, 1992). It can be painful to admit, but seeing the discrepancy between what you’re giving and what you’re getting is the first step toward growth and change. When you notice this and take steps to fix it, even if it means letting this once solid friendship slip away, you’ll be taking better care of yourself and making room for a relationship that better supports you.
