“Just do it.” You want to say that four-word phrase with good intentions. These four words may seem harmless to you. After all, you are directly looking out for your child’s best interests. Well, why can’t you say these words, then your child or teenager return to their homework or other tasks?
Yet in my work with children and families, and in my conversations with parents who consult with me about their children’s school suspensions, this phrase means that things are reversed. In particular, when children are told, “Just do it,” they often shy away from taking action. This is because they feel alone in their impossible demands. So they forget what they can do and focus on the feelings they can’t do. And this often means their closure.
Why these words backfire
If the child is already overwhelmed, doesn’t know where to start and is worried about making a mistake, “Just do it” motivation. On the contrary, it creates unnecessary pressure. Many of the children I work with hear stressful, self-deprecating thoughts in their minds. These are often “I need to know how to do this”. Or “I’m already behind, so what’s the point?” And when the pressure is on, these guys shut down.
Parents often misinterpret the child as lazy. Being stubborn is not the same as being lazy. Of course, parents tell me, “He sits there and stares, or at the device.” Or: “He says he will start, but he doesn’t.” “It becomes a battle every night,” the parents continue.
But when we slow it down, a different story emerges. These guys don’t give up; they fall into spiritual snares. What cycles, you ask? The fast and furious spirals abound in the minds of children and teenagers. For example, “What if I don’t figure out how to do this?”, “What if I mess this up?”, or “Ugh, what if this takes forever?”
I understand it from the outside, it all seems like an escape. But inside their heads it feels like an overload.
What helps children move
The goal is not to lower your child’s expectations of what they should be doing. This is to engage them and give them a way to step forward. So instead of “Just do it,” what if you tried some more powerful alternatives? For example, you might say, “Let’s find the first step.” Or perhaps, “Which part of this seems the most difficult right now?” or “What if we take it one step at a time?”
In my book, Freeing your child from overthinkingI provide additional examples and practical strategies to help children break out of these What-if circles. If you can help get your child active, and once they start, they’ll be more likely to stick around.
Take away
Well, stay smart Your child or teen may be caught in those negative thinking spirals. The more you can free your child from overthinking, the less likely they (and you) will struggle.
