There is no doubt that good relationships are essential to well-being. But relationships are inherently risky. When you trust someone, you give them the power to break that trust.
We form relationships with others because we benefit from them. Reciprocity and mutual interest are the basis for establishing and maintaining relationships. The benefits of relationships lie, cheat, cheatand so on. Or at least, that’s how people perceive their relationships. Until they do.
Flag detection mechanics
Relationships provide an opportunity for great success in the future. The closer you are to someone, the more mutually beneficial the relationship can be and the more you can both benefit from each other. At the same time, relationships have the potential for great loss in the future if they break up. This is especially true for romantic relationships, as these are the most important relationships for most people.
So it makes sense that we have a psychological mechanism that scans for undesirable qualities (red flags) in a potential partner to alert us and reduce the likelihood of a major loss in the future. This mechanism should also scan for desirable qualities (green flags) that indicate future revenue. Red flags prompt us to fix or end the relationship to cut our losses. Green flags encourage us to continue the relationship.
Table of flags
Individual occurrences of red or green flag detection are not counted as patterns. Humans make mistakes. What you are looking for is a behavior patternin yourself and your partner. You’ll probably have a few red and green flags in both of you. Importantly, the green flags must outweigh the red flags in order to have a healthy relationship. And existing red flags should be worked on if they are not merchantable.
| Category | Green flags | Red flags |
|---|---|---|
| Emotional security | Feel safe and secure; you can be completely yourself; able to express thoughts and feelings without fear | Feel unsafe, anxious, or “on edge”; inability to speak your mind; fear of retaliation |
| Respect | Constant respect even during quarrels; appreciation, gratitude, admiration | Disrespecting your interests, humiliating, mocking; excessive criticism; arrogance or hostility |
| Communication | Open, honest communication; clearly expresses needs; listens and confirms | Bad communication; escape; one-way conversations; lying, concealing or dishonesty |
| Responsibility | Takes responsibility; apologizes; matches words with actions | Never apologizes; blames you or others; actions do not match words; manipulative action |
| Confidence | Mutual trust; loyalty; authenticity; transparency | gas lighting; confidentiality; infidelity; interest in other romantic options |
| Compatibility | Emotionally stable; consistent action and behavior | Incompatibility; hot and cold behavior; unpredictable; chaos is mistaken for “love”. |
| Limits | Respects boundaries; supports independence; gives place | Violation of the border; behavior control; restriction of movement; hyper-monitoring/check-ins |
| Social support | Encourages time with friends/family (with or without them); appreciate your support system | Isolation tactics; restricts or blocks social contacts; negatively affects your social life |
| Individuality | Encourages authenticity; supports your interests and self-expression | Will try to change you; you give up your hobbies/interests; reflection to manipulate connectivity |
| Growth | Encourages your goals; supports personal growth and self-care | Obstructs goals; prevents self-care; they only support things that benefit them |
| Power dynamics | Making balanced decisions; interaction | To control, to wait hard; everything revolves around them; rule |
| Security | Secure attachment; confidence without excessive observation | Excessive jealousy, possessiveness, mistrust; reacts negatively to perceived threats |
| Conflict | Healthy conflict resolution; remains respectable; focuses on solutions; fight fair | Explosive anger, shouting, hostility; prevents or exacerbates conflicts; manipulates arguments |
| Emotional maturity | Emotionally intelligent; sympathy; controls anger well | Emotional maturity; mood swings; insecurity; clinginess or overdependence |
| Movement | Reciprocal action; is interested in your preferences and experiences | Addiction; lack of movement; they wait for you to circle around |
| Communication speed | Healthy speed; gradually, mutual commitment | Love Bomb; urgent intimacy or commitment; engaging too quickly |
| Behavior towards others | Treats others with respect and kindness | Being rude, entitled, or disrespectful to others |
| Lifestyle | Healthy habits; stable operation; customized way of life | Drug abuse, addiction, instability, lack of direction |
| Values | Shared values and long-term compatibility | Incorrect values; conflicting relationship expectations (eg, exclusivity and openness) |
| Physical security | There is no fear; a physically and emotionally safe environment | Intimidation, threats, coercion, physical or sexual violence |
| Major risk factors | Self-awareness; growing beyond the problems of the past | History of patterns of abuse/battering without accountability or change |
| Self-esteem | Healthy self-esteem; not subject to supervision or inspection | Financial or emotional control related to self-esteem; behavior based on insecurity |
Flags can be subjective
I have taken care to ensure that the flags listed in the table above are universal. That said, most people think of red flags as red flags and green flags as green flags. But this is not always the case. Sometimes these flags can be subjective. Sometimes, what looks like a red flag can actually be a green flag and vice versa.
This is because each of us has this “relationship script” in our minds that dictates how a relationship should be. Part of it is biological and part of it is environmental. When we encounter a red flag, our relationship script is disrupted in a negative way.
Examples
Jenny grew up in a family where there was little emotional connection between family members, especially her parents. Expression of feelings was discouraged and rejected. When she met Jim, an emotionally expressive guy, she felt bad and thought it was a red flag.
“This is not how relationships are supposed to be.”
Likewise, Tom grew up in a family where criticism and a little disrespect were okay. When he acted this way when he met Tammy, he felt that something was seriously wrong. Tom’s subjective relationship script collided with Tammy’s.
Of course, disrespect is a universal red flag, but some people think it’s good in small amounts.
Related: Relationship readiness quiz
How to evaluate your attitude
The most important thing is to listen to what flag your mind is waving – red or green. You don’t have to immediately agree to the signal, but you should pay attention to it. You should see this as an important data point and continue to gather more information as your relationship develops. Eventually, you’ll be able to connect the dots and see clear patterns.
Red flags, no matter how subtle, should be addressed. It is normal to doubt them or explain them. It’s normal to feel confused when your partner hears conflicting signals from you. What matters is which signals dominate over time. It tells you how the relationship is and what to do in the future.
To help you make future decisions, you can ask yourself the following questions:
- Do I feel good or bad about the relationship in general?
- Does this relationship bring out the best or the worst in me?
- Am I growing or shrinking?
- Is my self-esteem increasing or decreasing?
Red flag detection system
Romantic meetings
