Every person is different, by definition. Even identical twins has a conflict. For women in particular, the dominant American culture has taught many of us to be nice and to have our needs met by others—whether men, children, friends, partners, or colleagues. Putting our needs down, we now know, is unhealthy for us, our bodies and our minds. But how can we do that if we haven’t been taught to have “healthy debate”?
These tips are for anyone and everyone. Try one or more at a time; most can be used in any order to help both people in conflict feel better and even closer. It doesn’t matter if it’s about conflict parenthoodhow to choose which movie to go to or the next city to move to.
Remember, “good collision” is practice. Just like yoga, running, or learning to play an instrument, you need to keep your expectations low at first, then try again until you develop symphonies of conflict that feel great.
- WAIT and strike while the iron is cool. WAIT’s motto in 12-step programs is, “Why am I talking?” When we are mad, we should wait and stop the conversation. An hour, a good night’s sleep, or however long it takes. Trying to have a productive conversation while humming is nearly impossible. Instead, “Strike when the iron is cold.” If everyone has time to separate from the fire and is cool and calm, the conversation can be effective. Having a tough conversation can feel rushed now, but it really won’t. The longer you chill, the better the result.
- Talk or listen, but don’t interrupt or interrupt. It’s tough. I am the queen of conversational interruptions myself. I will try. The longer I shut up and wait for the other person to finish talking, the better for everyone. The other person feels heard and I have listened and hopefully can confirm what they said and felt. What if they (or I!) get in the way? Every time you say, “I’m still talking,” “I’m not done,” or “Can I finish, please?” you can say words like
- “Any more?” ask that. If the other person stops and seems to be done, but you feel they have more to say, just ask. They will tell you, and if they feel heard and understood, they are more likely to listen to your point of view more lovingly and deeply.
- Remind yourself and say it out loud to remind both of you, “It’s not about who’s right or wrong, it’s about our relationship.” Sometimes you need to repeat this several times during the conversation to get rid of defensiveness, the tendency to “prove” yourself or guilt. The most important thing for both of you is the connection between you, right? This is more profound and worth keeping than, for example, blaming someone who cancels plans again or is late to a family party.
- Affirm values - yours and theirs. It’s really not about who didn’t do the dishes, it’s about feelings, wants and needs. You might say, “I appreciate being organized. My mental space is calmer when I get into a clean kitchen/living room/bathroom, etc.” It helps to transform the hurt feelings into the underlying values. Whether it’s patience, love, honesty, companionship, etc.: “I appreciate reliability, so I’m disappointed when I hear you say it’s going to happen and it doesn’t.” “You are so lazy!” It’s much easier for someone else to swallow it than to say.
- Use I messages and emotional words. Almost every sentence in conflict can start with “I”. “I’m feeling neglected/disrespected/crazy/scared, etc. Get off the wheel of your emotions to help you if you need to. Don’t tell the other person what they did and how mean it is – they’ll get defensive and both of you will just argue more without making any progress. Focus on ‘me’ (what I saw, felt and heard). defensiveness or, if guilty, ask the other person to speak in “me” messages, allowing you to pause and recover.
- Apologize for your part. We can all learn to take responsibility for our mistakes. “I’m sorry for yelling at you, that’s on me” or “I take responsibility for not talking to you in the first place” goes a long way. It validates the experience of others when we own our own mistakes and errors and point the way. People make abundance, so embrace yours!
- Consider the family environment. Almost always the other person grew up in a different environment. Maybe they’ve learned that they can leave the mess for someone else to clean up. Maybe they were trained to do it without being asked, to avoid problems. Maybe they had to take care of everyone and didn’t learn to consider other people’s feelings before automatically taking action. Whatever their experience may be, it can teach you a lot and help you understand where they are coming from and why. Ask, “What was it like for you growing up?” or “What did you learn about it when you were young?” You might be surprised at what they say. This understanding alone can increase compassion and effective outcomes.
- Manage expectations going forward. At the end of the conversation, you can tell the other person what you learned or how you would do things differently next time. You can ask them how they want to move forward. Getting through the tough talk is a personal victory for both of you (you’re skilled enough to do it!) and a relationship victory. Almost always, people feel proud of completing a successful conflict conversation and feel closer to the other person. That’s the goal!
- “Are we good?” Or “Do you want to talk about this again?” Sometimes “Can I hug you?” works. Even if you want to close, wrap it up on a lighter note. Thank them for being with you in the tough conversations. It is a feat and not everyone can go there or even wants to go there. You are both brave and deserve to be affirmed that you accept your relationship a little (or a lot) stronger and deeper.
Save this list. Each of these tips will help you build easier, more successful conversations and stronger relationships. Yet almost none of us have been taught how to have healthy, productive, difficult conversations or conflicts, so offer yourself plenty of grace. And there is also your interlocutor who is ready to meet you.
