A few weeks ago, after a hiking accident, I found myself in the hospital. Even though I was feeling raw, when the doctor walked in, I noticed something in his scrubs. They were inside out.
At first I didn’t say anything, but my inner monologue was: Does he know? Would it be okay to say something? Or is it none of my business…and just awkward?
But when he gave me my resignation letter, I decided to do it. In response, he paused and continued, “Most scrubs will regenerate.” In other words, they were good.
It was a bit embarrassing, but also clarifying. Not about hospital clothes, but about something else: Kindness is not just about getting it right. It’s about taking the risk of making mistakes.
Brave kindness in space
I was reminded of that moment in the ER as I sat watching in the theater The Hail Mary Project. Based on Andy Weir’s book, a new sci-fi film starring Ryan Gosling is about survival and life. friendship between two different beings trying to save their planet.
At one point, the alien Rocky suggests to Grace, played by Gosling, “to put yourself in danger to help others.” They define it as courage. But this is the definition of kindness.
Kindness is classified as simple, even obvious. Just be kind.
But in practice it is more complicated. Should you text a friend you’re grieving or is it a nuisance? Do you give honest feedback to the restaurant or do you carry on with a smile? Will you help someone you don’t fully trust or will you stand up for yourself?
When we do not know what that good is or how to receive it, we are exposed. We can misread the moment. We can be seen as too much or not enough.
Psychologically, we are prepared to avoid this kind of social risk, especially the risk of being misunderstood or rejected. This is where courage comes in.
Don’t be ordinary
The voice that turns us away from kindness says: Don’t be ordinary. Protect yourself boundaries.
In Hi Mary Project, Grace approaches Rocky’s ship, gun in hand, not to offer help at first. there is wisdom in this instinct. The core belief is that we need to protect ourselves and kindness will reveal us.
But there is also something safe in this story. It gives us reason to retreat and choose distance and protection from vulnerability.
I always watch these moments. Perhaps you’ve also had moments with a stranger, family member, or someone in need…of kindness or simply when you weren’t sure whether to overdo it.
A few years ago, I received an invitation to the going-away party of a boss with whom I had a complicated and sometimes painful relationship. I had planned to skip it and it would be easy to justify.
But I felt that I had a choice – one that required me to give something up: I felt entitled.
So I went. I wrote him a card, where I sincerely told him what I appreciated about him. It wasn’t kind because it was easy. It was kind because it was difficult. A few days later, he texted me saying, “I was imperfect.”
Nebula of kindness
There is another difficulty: it is not always clear what kindness looks like.
Sometimes kindness means action: “I don’t know what to say, but I’ve been thinking of you” to a grieving friend. Sometimes it’s saying something uncomfortable, whether it’s pointing out a chia seed in someone’s teeth or offering feedback that might come across as imperfect.
Other times, kindness is restraint. It’s choosing not to respond to a family member’s political remarks or to give an ex space instead of reaching out.
So the question is not simply, will I be kind? This: What does kindness mean here? Courageous kindness is also associated with the vulnerability of not knowing.
My attempt to help during the scrubs failed. But that doesn’t make the action meaningful. If anything, it reveals that courage is in sacrifice.
After all, how many good deeds have been short-circuited for fear of going astray?
We are all Teeter
My brother once told me that he admired what he called my “brave kindness.” She said she saw me benefiting others, connecting with strangers, and being a little less judgmental.
The truth is, I often miss moments to be kind. But I have learned this: hesitation is not good. It’s okay to worry about profit. It is good not to know how to do good. And it’s okay to get it wrong.
In Hi Mary Project, When Rocky asks for the human word for “putting yourself in danger to help another,” Grace’s first response is to call her dumb, not brave. It’s funny, but it captures something real. We want to be kind, but at the same time we want to avoid being stupid.
Goodness usually does not require great sacrifice. But it asks us to risk something smaller and more immediate: our confidence, our comfort, our sense of being right.
You may experience these moments in your own life, a silent hesitancy before reaching out, speaking, or offering to care. This hesitation is not a problem. It’s just where courage and kindness begin.
