Finding a romantic partner is no small task. “Who I am?” I can’t find an answer to the age-old question. Can these two tasks be done at the same time? Or do you need to “know yourself” before you can have a successful relationship?
Putting yourself first can help you find love
Perhaps you know someone who has been dating regularly, decided to focus on themselves, and then found the partner of their dreams. The classic story goes like this:
A friend goes from serious relationship to serious relationship, after the last one he quickly finds a new partner. They adopt the habits of their “current” partner, only to abandon them when a new partner comes along and take on something else.
Finally, they decided, enough is enough! They decide to stop the cycle and be alone. Soon, someone unexpectedly enters their lives. This new relationship will become their eternal relationship.
Did that time alone make a difference? Is knowing yourself a prerequisite to finding a satisfying long-term relationship?
Self-first theory reflects classical developmental psychology
Some theorists argue that self-knowledge is an important task before love can occur. For example, Erik Erikson is a famous psychologist who created the stage theory of development, which identified the main stages from birth to death. He found out adolescence as a critical period in which individuals are tasked with exploring identity. This stage can involve tumultuous uncertainty, questions, and explorations, perhaps even an “identity crisis.” In the end, healthy people emerge knowing who they are.
According to Erikson, people can reach adulthood only after achieving an individuality in which the main psychological task is to find intimacy instead of isolation. In other words, Erikson argued that personality formation is a precursor to health romantic relationships.
The evidence itself supports the first theory
Today is very different from the mid-1900s when Erikson proposed his ideas. Still, evidence suggests that having a clear sense of identity can make it easier to find lasting love.
A 2010 German study found that people follow a developmental sequence consistent with Erikson’s model, in which ego development (i.e., personality formation) serves as the foundation for intimacy (Beyers & Seiffge-Krenke, 2010). In this sample, personality development progressed as adolescents got older, and greater personality development predicted greater likelihood of engaging in romantic relationships over time.
This offers contemporary support for Erikson’s ideas: personality development can lay the groundwork for intimacy.
Relationships can be better for those who are self-aware
Identity growth may be age-appropriate, and individuals may enter into relationships later in their developmental trajectory. However, a more nuanced view of self-awareness suggests that there may be a relational advantage for people with a strong sense of identity.
A recent study in Finland showed that a subset of people are “committed” to their identity and that these people enter into relationships earlier than others (Peters et al., 2026). In this longitudinal study, people who were low on identity but also high on exploration were more likely to get married. All of this supports Erikson’s stage theory.
Not only can people construct their own identities before they enter a relationship, but some studies show that people are happier in relationships when they have a clear sense of who they are. In this line of research, individuals with high levels of self-efficacy report higher levels of relationship satisfaction (Tenney et al., 2013). In other words, people who know who they are are not only more likely to get into relationships, but may also be happier while they’re in them.
Relationships provide opportunities for identity development
The problem with Erikson’s model is that it suggests that we “achieve” or solidify our personality development in our early years, and that’s it. Who we are.
Modern psychologists recognize that personality development continues throughout life. Rather than arguing that we first discover who we are and then engage in relationships, the dominant view is that relationships provide fruitful contexts for self-discovery and the development of self-awareness. For example, one study found that youth who were in serious romantic relationships later experienced deeper self-exploration in their reciprocity model and felt greater identity commitment (Kindelberger et al., 2020). Relationships helped them grow as individuals.
Relationships are important reading
Knowing me, then growing me
So how do we reconcile these ideas? There is no doubt that people change in their relationships. This is an important and stimulating aspect of being intimately connected with another: romantic partners affect us, and we affect them. Self-expansion theory, for example, suggests that we all have something fundamental motivation to grow, and we seek relationships in part because they help us do so (Aron et al., 2022). We expand our sense of self through our relationships.
At the same time, a strong grounding in self-awareness can help you find the “right” self-expanding relationships. Recent evidence suggests a greater possibility self awareness Clarity, that is, a clear understanding of oneself, can help people get to know market (Kubin et al., 2024). If you’re insecure, you might be open to people who aren’t right for you. In other words, self-aware people can choose better partners. Perhaps this explains why they are later happier in these relationships (Tenney et al., 2013).
Together, knowing yourself can provide a significant edge in the dating game, but personality development doesn’t end once you’re in a relationship. People who feel stronger and more clear about themselves may be ready to enter into a relationship, but there is more growth to be had when they are in a relationship. Close relationships can support new identity concepts, but also provide a window for new self-discovery and growth.
