There is no single, universally accepted definition of empathy. We know that empathy is something of a combination to gain perspectivenon-judgmental and the ability to understand and understand the feelings of another. Studies are linked continuously empathic leadership trust, psychological safety, engagement and performance (Edmondson, 2018; Goleman, 1998).
In my case coaching leaders around the world, I hear leaders struggle with what to say/do to show empathy. I often have to explain that empathy is not innate personality a trait or soft supplement is a set of skills and can be learned practice. And empathy is manifested in behavior, especially through language.
We can connect and strengthen shared understanding by paying attention to our language, what we say, and how we say it to help turn empathic intent into empathic impact.
Empathy and AWE
Empathy is conveyed not only through actions, but also through everyday language. Words can build trust or quietly destroy it. To pay attention to what I called AWE Language is one way to show empathy:
- Escape gibberish and dismissive expressions
- Testimony by seeing and hearing others fully without judgment
- Attractive deliberately with communicative language
Most leaders rely on language designed to help. The problem is that it often goes down differently than intended. So let’s go through these one by one.
1. Avoiding idle talk
When someone shares a difficult or negative experience, it’s tempting to try to make things better with catch-all phrases or catchphrases:
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
- “Everything will be fine.”
- “You’ll be fine.”
These answers are well intentioned and very common. Hard truth:
- We cannot know exactly what another person is feeling.
- We cannot predict the results with certainty.
- These phrases often stop further conversation.
Let’s look at a real-life example.
Group 1 member: “My contract was not renewed…”
Group member 2: “It happened to me once. I know how you feel… Don’t worry: I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
This response focuses on the other person’s experience and implies emotional and conditional equivalence, but these two people are not living the same life. The answer also reduces the anxiety of team members.
More empathic responses: “This feels really overwhelming. What’s most important to you right now?” or “Thanks for sharing this – do you want to talk about it?”
“at least”
Another common empathy mistake involves embracing “at least.“
Coworker 1: “I didn’t get promoted to the position I applied for, I spent a lot of time and effort researching and preparing…”
Coworker 2: “At least you still have a job. The market is pretty bad right now. Consider yourself lucky to be in a job.”
This response diminishes the coworker’s emotional experience and redirects attention away from the interlocutor.
A more sympathetic response: “I’m so sorry to hear that. You’ve worked so hard for this and it’s no wonder you’re disappointed. It’s hard.”
“Kelka”
Direct report: “I was very disappointed that my meeting with the client did not end with a signed contract. I was confident that I had covered all of their issues and concerns.”
Essential Readings in Leadership
Manager: “You should be more strictly“.
The manager’s response indicates his direct report need prioritizes problem solving over feeling and understanding, offers quick fixes without really listening, creates distance instead of offering understanding or support.
A more empathetic response might be, “I can see you’re disappointed. What would you do next time?”
The simple words, at least, are often not well-intentioned, but they lose their place in terms of sympathy.
2. Testify their experience
In order to witness the other, we must create a container of time, space, and attention. Practically speaking, this means that we must be present. We need to let go of our own thoughts, assumptions, and prejudices to make room for understanding. We must listen with our whole body (including tone of voice, facial expressions, body languageand all the senses) to bear witness to what is true for another person. We must suspend judgment and inference, be open and curious, and avoid reducing or correcting language when seeking to understand another person’s perspective.
The process of nonjudgmental witnessing is essential to learning, as it is fundamental to developing empathy and creating psychological safety. innovationand speaking up at work (Edmondson, 2018).
3. Attracting to connect
Leaders sometimes worry about finding the right words, which can prevent them from being helpful. Empathy isn’t about having the perfect words. It’s about choosing to communicate with another person so that the other person feels seen and heard. This may look like repeating or paraphrasing to show you are listening to them, checking to make sure you understand, or asking questions to gather more information. All of these approaches show interest, and they all establish communication. And if you don’t know what to say, take a page from Brene Brown and admit you don’t know what to say, but you’ll be glad they shared.
In a world where many people feel unheard, the choice to connect and connect is more important than ever.
About choosing AWE
When we incorporate the language of AWE into our own language—avoid nonsense, witness the other, and engage—and the way we express ourselves, we move from managing conversations to meeting real people. We choose to witness rather than deny, to participate rather than to guess, and to connect rather than correct. Empathy comes from wonder, a genuine interest in the inner world of another person. By using AWE as both a language and a way of thinking, we can create deeper understanding and stronger human connection.
