The theory of relationship formation that makes the most sense is the social exchange theory, which holds that two people enter into a relationship when they are of equal value to each other. This applies not only to romantic relationships, but to all relationships. When the exchange of value is fair and balanced, the relationship is maintained. When value exchanges become unfair and unbalanced, relationships change unstable and is likely to melt. An imbalanced value exchange means that one party benefits more from the relationship than the other.
Traditional romance, where the man is older than the woman, is the most common type of relationship and marriage. To understand why this is so from the perspective of social exchange theory, we need to update our understanding of mate value.
Spousal Value Dynamics: Age is not just a number
A potential partner’s mate value is the value they bring to the relationship chart. It depends on several factors, but age is one of the most important factors that determine a person’s mate value.
When a woman is young, she usually has a high mate value, because youth in women is associated with reproductive potential. The younger she is, the more children she can have. If he young and beautifulshe has an even higher mate value because good genes (beauty) mean more likely to produce healthy and beautiful offspring. As she grows older, her youth and beauty begin to wane. Thus, his mate value begins to decline.
When a man is young, he generally has low mate value because the strongest determinant of mate value for men is their resources. A young man is starting to build his career, and his future potential for resources is uncertain compared to that of an established man. As she grows older and builds a career, her resources increase and her mate value increases.
Adult male-young female couple
The reason younger women hook up with older men is because they both perceive a fair and just exchange of value. A man will have a woman’s beauty and youth, and a woman will have her resources. It’s really about buying youth and beauty with resources/money. Both have a high partnership value and therefore both want to get the most out of what they bring to the table.
Some feminists may argue that there is a power imbalance in such traditional, patriarchal relationships, but they are largely wrong. They deny that a woman’s power comes primarily from her youth and beauty. And from that he can manipulate a man should act according to her will.
If there really was an imbalance of power in such relations, they would have collapsed and would not have been so widespread.
Why the stigma?
The traditional relationship I described above is the most common because it tends to be fair. Society normalizes it because society cares about its own first expand through reproductive success of individuals. Such relationships maximize the chances of reproductive success for men, women, and society. Such a couple, in turn, may have the maximum resources and genetic means to raise healthy offspring and ensure their reproductive success.
Now, a relationship where the woman is much older than the man goes directly against this traditional dynamic. Anything that violates a social norm carries with it a risk stigmatizationand this is no different. Such a “reverse” relationship is condemned because it is considered unequal.
An old woman is seen as prey for a young man. Hence the term “cougar”. But it goes deeper than that. It’s not so much relational inequality (as I’ll show later that it doesn’t have to be), but more about relational reproductive viability. An old woman has low reproductive potential, and a young man does not have the funds to spend on offspring. Such relationships are unlikely to contribute to the reproductive success of men, women, and society.
As a general rule, social norms promote the expansion of society. Society looks down on individuals behaving in ways that deter societal expansion. It’s like a pyramid scheme. All society cares about is adding more members to itself so it can compete with other societies for access to land and resources.
Why do old woman-young man (OWYM) couples form?
Despite the social judgment and stigma surrounding it, many people enter into OWYM relationships. There are many interesting but superficial reasons why people choose these romantic relationships. But I like to focus on the basics. So how do we explain the formation of OWYM relationships using evolutionary and social exchange theory?
As her mate value declines, an older woman is less likely to attract an older man who may pursue a younger woman with a higher mate value. On the contrary, a young man whose spouse is lower is more at her level. The mating value of a young man and an older woman is lower, but roughly equal. It is easier for them to attract each other.
This relationship works because romance is not just about “buying a young woman youth and beauty”. Although this is the basis of most romantic relationships. The value of a spouse also depends on positive personal qualities such as warmth, emotional availability, wisdom, core values, life goals, etc.
If you take the man’s resources and the woman’s youth out of the equation, as in OWYM, you’re more likely to connect with someone on a mental and emotional level. It is difficult for men in traditional relationships to ignore beauty and women and money. This creates many problems in dynamics.
All of these issues are removed from the OWYM dynamic, and personal compatibility becomes the basis for connection. A place that traditional relationships try to reach, but usually fail to reach. In some ways, beauty and money destroy this relationship.
The role of the authorities
The higher the value of a person’s mate, the more power they have. Having more power means being more demanding and playing more games, all in an effort to get the most out of what you can give. You can’t be demanding and manipulative if you have nothing to give.
Therefore, young women are more demanding. Young men complain that women their own age bring with them a lot of chaos, drama and gossip. Meanwhile, older women with less power tend to be more gentle, easygoing, drama-free, and gentle. The same goes for young men. Because they don’t have the resources yet, they are demanding and unable to explore options. They appreciate what can be achieved despite a lack of resources.
| Friend value is low | High partner value |
|---|---|
| Less power | More power |
| Less demanding | More demanding |
| Fewer options | Other options |
Can an OWYM relationship work?
Any type of relationship can work if both parties are willing to commit to it. OWYM relationships can be unstable because they are unlikely to contribute to the reproductive success of the individuals involved and society as a whole. And people often enter into romantic relationships and marriages for reproductive success.
If you are in or considering an OWYM relationship, you should keep this in mind. If you want to, you and your partner need to be on the same page not only for the short term, but also for the long term. You should have the same idea about having children, future goals, values, etc. Then you have to deal with social stress and stigma, which can cause internal conflicts and strain relationships.
To evaluate your relationship, to evaluate any relationship, ask yourself:
- Do I feel good or bad about the relationship in general?
- Does this relationship bring out the best or the worst in me?
- Am I growing or shrinking?
- Is my value increasing or decreasing?
If your relationship is healthy, so can you to sink stigma voices around you. If not, these voices can ruin your relationship. At the end of the day, the most important thing is that both of you see the relationship as equal. Traditional romance isn’t the only way to achieve an egalitarian romance. There are more variables in a relationship than “the woman’s age” and “the man’s money” that can equalize the equality of mate value on both sides.
