One of the main reasons for healing is a marriage after betrayal As difficult as it is – even with both of them having the best of intentions – recovery is not sustainable.
Just when you think you’ve turned a corner and feel like yourself again, something happens and you’re right back where you started. Hope begins to fade.
Then, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on track. Only for a while, that is, until the next mine triggers you.
The ups and downs are unbearable, leaving both spouses wondering, “Are we going to make it?” “Should we even try?” “Maybe it’s best we go our separate ways.”
If you or someone you know is trying to heal after an event, I’m sure what you read will be very familiar. And you’re probably wondering why there seems to be no pull in leaving this event and its aftermath in the past.
For the past several decades, I have specialized in helping couples recover from infidelity and navigate this universal sandbox in the recovery process. Here’s what I learned about the best ways to ensure that setbacks don’t permanently derail you in your quest to bring joy and peace back into your life.
Accept that triggers are inevitable
As much as betrayed spouses hate that random painful thoughts pop up every time they are reminded of infidelity, I’ve never met someone who didn’t. A feeling of excitement after opening the case completely normal.
The problem is not triggered; what happens after the thought that causes the problem.
Many betrayed spouses, especially at the beginning of the recovery process, instead of temporarily accepting that they should wait for arousal, think that they have to be “more” and become depressed and depressed.
Now, instead of dealing with the pain of mentally reliving what happened, cheating spouses second pain layer, because they criticize themselves for not being able to avoid failures.
Often, it becomes painful angerit is poured out on the unfaithful spouse for making the choices that put them in this predicament in the first place. Subsequent conversations usually do not end well.
How to avoid plagiarizing ideas
Although this will take a lot of practice, remind yourself to expect the triggering thoughts when they arise. Pay attention to the thought, observe the feeling that arises, but resist the temptation to let one thought lead to another and another. In other words, avoid following the storyline because you’ve been “invited” to go down the rabbit hole.
Sticking to the storyline or filling in the details will bury you deeper and make it harder to dig your way out.
Of course, once the case is opened, such discipline is impossible for most people. But, over time, choosing where to place yours attention becomes a difficult but viable choice.
Also, be committed to the idea that judging yourself for “repetition” is unfair and unreasonable. Give yourself some grace.
Finally, plan what you will do when the Trigger Demon triggers you. Have a list of things you can do to hit the mental reset button. For example, call a friend, go for a walk, start your Wordle game, pray, feed your cat, etc. Instead of focusing on the times you’ve gone off track, keep track of your victories over the ubiquitous Trigger Demon.
Infidelity Essential Readings
Inappropriate responses from an unfaithful spouse
Betrayed spouses aren’t the only ones who feel depressed when they disrupt the triggers of a “normal” day. Unfaithful spouses often respond to their spouse’s triggers in unhelpful ways, hoping that the pain will go away, that the affairs will stop, and that life will feel normal again.
If the affair is over, the cheating spouse may assume that the bad feelings and memories must be as well. They want their cheating spouse to let go of the past and focus on the future instead. Unfaithful spouses can become impatient, frustrated, and critical. Empathy is lacking.
But for an unfaithful spouse, this is the case it’s not in the past; unfaithful spouses often live and breathe every waking moment.
How to avoid trigger events that define moments
Even if unfaithful spouses do not fully understand why their partner is still hurting, there is a response to help when setbacks occur. Impatience, judgment and criticism will only make things worse. Betrayed spouses feel misunderstood, angry, hurt, and lonely.
A marriage must survive and thrive after infidelity teamworkeven if it is difficult. Compassion, empathy, and care are needed, not judgmental.
Sometimes, cheating spouses don’t know what to say or do to comfort their agitated spouse. While no two cheating spouses are alike, I have found that the following approaches, when done consistently, work for many couples:
- Keep calm
- Don’t be defensive
- Answer questions openly and honestly
- Be sorry and sorry for hurting your spouse
- Witness and validate feelings
- Remember, there is no such thing as too many apologies
The early stages of recovery, when the triggers are persistent, are often the hardest part of healing after an affair. This is when many couples lose hope because nothing is working. But this is when work is most important. Even small changes start to add up as couples learn to respond to triggers in new ways. Over time, these painful moments will fade – this will allow you not only to survive the betrayal, but also to build a stronger, more connected marriage.
If you’re in this place right now, it’s not a sign that your relationship can’t be restored—it’s a sign that you’re at one of the most difficult stages of the process.
