“I can’t stand it!” My friend Sophie is about to break up with her boyfriend (again). He’s a really sweet guy and they love each other, but every now and then something causes deep pain for Sophie, and when she tries to mend her feelings by talking to him, all hell breaks loose.
Have you ever decided to “talk” to someone about what you want and end up pushing them further away from you and less likely to meet your needs? Regardless of our highest intentions, most of us, even those who have taken classes and read communication books, fall into self-defeating cycles and disappointing results.
I take it as a good sign that Sophie called me, because even though she wants to throw her relationship down the toilet right now, she knows I’ll try to talk her out of it.
He and I discussed it and he knows I understand. I understand that pain, pain from past trauma – when triggered, can hit a person hard and destroy relationships, only to be relieved of internal anxiety and sorrow.
Just appeared from a life-changing book: Secure Communication: Stay Safe in an Untrustworthy WorldI feel like I have something to offer Sophie right now. In their powerful treatise, authors Sue Marriott, LCSW, CGP, and Anne Kelly, PhD, develop a compassionate roadmap for communication safety; a way to help people talk through their big feelings without hurting each other or their relationships in the process.
The authors have synthesized the vast body of available scientific knowledge on attachment and trauma to offer a user-friendly guide to show us how we are losing our important relationships AND how we can create more secure, loving relationships that we deeply long for.
So when Sophie calls me in this volatile, sabotaging state, I use the book like the jaws of life, the cart of doom to bring her back from the brink. And it works!
Before I describe HOW the book helped, let me share some key caveats. Marriott and Kelley combine modern attachment theory + relational neuroscience to offer something new: The Modern Attachment Regulation Spectrum (MARS) is a framework based on the idea that attachment is a fluid state rather than a fixed diagnosis. They offer a color system to help people identify their own and their partner’s attachment tendencies. Note that the authors refer to these color states as fluid and variable, not labels to diagnose ourselves with.
Blue color represents the tendency to avoid or minimize emotions. Those who lean towards blue may have learned to cope with grief by turning down their emotions and becoming more confident. If you shut down when others are upset, you can rely on Blue. If you come into conflict with someone who is prone to blues, you may notice that they become cold and avoid eye contact.
Red depicts the anxious response of increasing the volume of emotions when hurt or abandoned. When they feel threatened, people who lean on Red feel heightened emotions and a quick solution to their pain. If you feel the urge to resolve a conflict and can’t focus on anything else, you may want to meet Red. In a heated conversation with someone on red activation, you may notice that they become more intense, accusatory, and threatening.
There is also a “Tie Dye” symbol associated with an “unregulated” attachment, which you can learn more about in Chapter 6 of the book.
The Promised Land is the Green Zone. The green zone is the space between the blue and red poles, where we feel connected and “feel safe”. This Green ‘window of tolerance’, first termed by Dr. Dan Siegel in his book The Evolving Consciousness, is what we want to extend and expand ourselves over time.
Regardless of our early traumas and what color we tend to be, most people are often very reasonable. However, when you and your partner see through Red and/or Blue Glasses, you can be completely unreasonable and destroy the feelings of trust and security between you.
Back to Sophie: Since she was in the Red Activation Spiral, I pulled out the book and found Chapter 9: Red Activation Cooldown. I literally read the chapter over the phone to him. Her breath slowed with each paragraph. Within 20 minutes she calmed down and returned to the Green Zone area where she could consider her boyfriend’s feelings as well as her own and the whole picture.
It was like a terrible miracle. But it wasn’t magic; It was science that Marriott and Kelly explained in their books in simple, easy-to-understand terms.
I’m happy to say that Sophie and her boyfriend are working together to ensure safety in their relationship. I personally think so Secure Communication: Stay Safe in an Untrustworthy World essential reading for anyone struggling with communication in their relationships. Don’t we all sometimes?
Here are 5 tips I learned from the book to stay safe in your relationship:
- Take a break to relax. If you start to feel NE in yourself or the other person during the conversation, take a break before continuing. Walking is rhythmic and predictable and helps calm your brain. You can also use SIFT to visit and return to the Green Zone:
- Notice the physical sensations you feel, such as your feet hitting the ground or the breeze on your face.
- See if any pleasant or fleeting IMAGES come to mind.
- Notice your feelings and name them.
- Be aware of your thoughts, don’t let them take you away.
- Use your breathing to regulate your reactions. Marriott and Kelly, if you’re leaning into the Blue and find yourself getting impatient or stalling, focus on your breathing to add oxygen and build up your energy. If you lean into Red and feel strong emotions rising to “do something,” focus on taking long, slow breaths to slow down your activity. If remembering everything is too much, they recommend fake yawning! This turns into a real yawn and helps turn off limbic activity. Even a minute of this deliberate breathing can stop the physiological defense cascade.
- Engage the prefrontal cortex. You can use the more rational part of your brain to visualize how you want to be. Imagine yourself being the best version of yourself with all your energy and generosity. Or you can imagine your partner as a child, who is genuinely hurt, and know that this is the source of their distorted reactions. By using the PFC in this way, you calm down the primitive and protective amygdala.
- Calm your partner’s activation. If your partner is seeing through Red Glasses (Red Activation) and feels hurt, neglected or abandoned, physically move towards them. You can reassure them with simple language such as “I’m here” and “I’m glad you told me that”. If your partner is blue and feeling trapped, give them space to leave the room for a bit if they feel they need time to regroup.
- Show care. Send safety signals by speaking with kindness and respect. For a partner in red activation, they may feel abandoned, so warm up their facial expressions and tone of voice. For a blue-activated partner, “assertions of confidence” can help you remember that you see the good in them and take the edge off. If it’s real, you can anticipate difficult information by confirming that they’re doing well.
- Do your research. Perhaps the most powerful tool we have is to create a sense of interest and concern for what is happening within us. If we resist feeling uncomfortable, it can keep us stuck in periods of unhappiness. Our avoidance of conflict can destroy the love in our relationships. As the authors note, “If we believe we shouldn’t feel discomfort, we naturally try to avoid it. However, by allowing ourselves to feel distress and developing pride in being able to tolerate it without losing our sanity, we can sit in discomfort and learn from it.” The better we are at learning about our discomforts as they happen, the wider the beautiful green window of tolerance.
In the window of tolerance, we can safely get in touch with our feelings and desires, but also see and hear what is important to our partner. This is a secure connection.
These secure communication tools can be used not only with romantic partners, but with anyone in your life. It’s hard to imagine a skill that could be more important in difficult times. Having the ability to promote a sense of safety wherever you go will change the ripples outward to affect not only your own experience, but the people in your life.
Sue Marriott and Ann Kelley will be presenting a free webinar on March 12th. Attachment Myths: What the Real Science Tells Us. learn more to here.
Do your research Secure Communication: Stay Safe in an Untrustworthy World.
Do your research The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are.
