This post is part four of a six-part series “Marriage 911″ about serial communication problems.
“Dr. Cheryl, we’re just roommates.”
“I love them, but I don’t love them anymore.”
“They are my best friend, but there is no passion.”
Children. Job. House. Tables. Foods. Dog. An endless list of things to do. Somewhere in the middle of this life…you both disappeared.
This is one of the most common complaints I hear from couples.
It is not always a dramatic crisis. It’s often quieter than that. It’s a slow, steady drip of disruption. But over time, this drop can erode even the strongest stone. And you two, a couple, get lost in the business of life.
Welcome to Marriage Incorporated
Most couples don’t break up because something big happened. They drifted because they were very, very good at running the family business.
I call it Marriage Incorporated.
The mortgage is paid off. Children go to school. Career driven. The house is mainly functional. The dog will reach the groom in time. Everyone gets vegetables – at least most days.
Bravo! Seriously. Life is demanding, and it’s no small thing if you set the whole circus in motion.
But this begs the question: where are you two? As lovers? As a romantic couple? As two people who were once happy for each other?
“We just broke up”
When people explain why they got it divorcedmost people say some version of “We just broke up.” It sounds mild. It almost seems inevitable, like there’s nothing you can do to prevent it. Most of the time, divorce is not a mystery. Relationships usually don’t scream as loud as everything else, so it gets pushed to the bottom of the list again and again.
Until one day you look at the dinner table and think, “Where we go?”
Watch it this is a video to learn more.
Make your love life your hobby
One of the most popular and helpful teachings in my Become Passion 12 Week Online Couples Program is to make your love life a hobby.
What do you say Dr. Cheryl?!
Think of a hobby you enjoy: golf, pottery, cooking, painting, gardening, training your dog, or playing music.
How is a hobby different from a job?
You choose. You will have fun. You make time for it. You plan it. You will appreciate it. You make it a priority. Also, you usually want to get better at it. Has a hobby attention. You make it a priority.
But I ask you, does your partner and your relationship get that kind of attention? Or does your lover get the rest of the energy, the rest of the patience, the rest of the touch, the rest of the half-listening when you scroll through your phone and wonder what’s going on in your life?
Most couples do not want to ignore each other. Unfortunately, carelessness still has consequences.
Great couples are not an accident
Perfect couples are not lucky. They are intentional. They try to bond, improve their relationship and work on what isn’t working!
They learn to grow in what I call the three keys to passion.
The first key closeness – your emotional connection and communication.
The second key is excitement – romance, fun, novelty, surprise and play.
This is something that many “roommates” are starving for.
Tuesday night bowling excitement. This is sending a flirty text. It’s planning a fun, unexpected date. This laughing more together! It’s about appreciating each other instead of just managing each other and preventing the wheels from falling off the Marriage Inc bus.
The third key is sexuality – touch, affection, sexand erotic intercourse.
Action creates change
Here’s the good news: You don’t have to wait until you’re wildly in love movement with love
In fact, most long-term couples are behind this. They think, “I’ll schedule a meeting when I feel close.” But action often comes first.
Relationships are important reading
You choose an act of love. And the feeling begins to haunt.
This is what changed things for Joan and Jeff, a couple I worked with. They built a life together – business, children, grandchildren and decades of history. They communicated very well about logistics. But they were not very happy. Joan was like that alonehe wondered if he would stay with them pension. But he watched my free master class and they decided to work on something. They joined my program.
Then they began to see their love life as a hobby.
They kissed goodnight, hugged, had a weekly date night, and began to choose small acts of affection and attention. And over time, their relationship became more playful, more connected, more sensual, and happier—not because a fairy godmother sprinkled passion dust into their marriage, but because they took action.
Try Date Jar
Is it stuck? Don’t know how to start? Here’s a simple place to start.
Create a date pot. Each of you writes date ideas on small pieces of paper. Some can be free or under $10: a hot chocolate picnic, a picnic in the living room, bowling, a drive to watch the sunset, a fancy dinner, a silly adventure, a bookstore where you each pick out a book for the other person.
Then once a week, pull one out and do it – no excuses!
Do it whether you like it or not. Let’s be honest, you don’t always want to do your hobby. You can plan to play golf, then wake up exhausted and see rain clouds and think “maybe not”. But when you go, you’ll inevitably be glad you made the effort.
A soft next step
If this resonates with you, you are not alone. Most couples don’t need a miracle. They need a decision—a decision to stop giving their relationship the rest and to put love, connection, romance, and sexuality first again.
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing powerful free teachings, including my Passion Masterclasses.
Let’s put your relationship first. One step at a time.
