I recently came across a wonderful book that combines two of my favorite topics: happiness and love. It is calledHow to Feel Loved: Five Mindsets That Will Tell You More About What Matters Most.. And it can completely rock your world.
Two expert collaborators wrote it: Harry Reiss, a longtime love researcher; and Sonya Lyubomirsky, a pioneering happiness researcher and distinguished professor of psychology at Riverside University.
For those unfamiliar with Lyubomirsky’s work, it’s a huge deal. He recently spoke at TED Mainstage (What can you do to be happier?), there was profile inside The New York Times Magazineand there was article about How to feel love inside The New York Times on the day of the book’s presentation.
I commend this book because I believe it is possible change your life.
For those who read my book, .The Tao of Dating: A Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.you can remember its central premise: aimed at fulfilling get to know. What you are looking for in a relationship is not a specific person, but a set of feelings that satisfy you. If you’ve been with the “right” person but still haven’t felt the love, you know what I’m talking about.
Lyubomirsky and Reis discuss this very topic. In the words of Lyubomirsky:
My co-author and I spent 7 years reviewing decades of research on the science of happiness and the science of relationships, and we came to a simple but powerful conclusion: The key to happiness is not being loved; feels loved.
We offer five mindsets: Sharing, Learning to Listen, Radical Curiosity, Open Heart, and Versatility—to help you feel more loved in your most important relationships! You do it not by changing yourself, not by changing the other person, but by changing the conversation that follows.”
What Lyubomirsky and Reis tell us is that when you have new kinds of conversations, you greatly increase the likelihood that you will have a conversation. feeling loved Let’s take a brief look at each of these conversational mindsets:
1) Sharing: Three components: “a) You must share your full, multifaceted complexity—your strengths and contradictions—with the other person. b) The other person must notice what you share. c) The other person must care about what you share.”
2) Listening to learn: “To practice this, you should approach your next conversation thinking of yourself as a listener, not a speaker, meaning listen and ask questions that give you insight into the other person’s story, and do so as if you were going to be asked about their story tomorrow.”
3) Radical curiosity: Be very curious about your partner.
4) An Open Heart: “Seeing the best in others and helping them grow into that version of themselves.”
5) Multidimensional Thinking: Recognize that people are multidimensional beings. As Walt Whitman said in his poem A song about myself:
Am I contradicting myself?
Very well, I challenge myself,
(I am big, I have many people.)
This is a wide range.
Lyubomirsky and Reis also take time to debunk some cultural myths about what it feels like to be in love. They call it only five beliefs:
#1: If I were more attractive, stronger, or successful, I would feel more loved.
#2: I would feel more loved if I could make sure others knew about my positive qualities and successes.
#3: If I could hide my flaws, I would feel more loved.
#4: I would feel more loved if my partner could speak my love language.
#5: If I could make my partner love me more, I would feel loved more.”
None of these myths stand up to scientific scrutiny or even common sense. And on the one hand, the whole “love languages” thing is unscientific and kind of BS. I am also very pleased that the authors have done a high level and decisive job of dispelling this myth.
The authors suggest instead the “Sea-Saw Relationship” (sic) which is the centerpiece of the book. It’s a “subtle dance of alternating ups and downs” where you engage in an upward spiral. closeness with your partner:
Relationships are important reading
Genuine interest and curiosity → sharing → understanding, gratitude and open-heartedness → a feeling of love.
I studied How to feel love several times now. As a Happiness Engineer who has been studying, writing and teaching about happiness and love for 20+ years, I can say that this book is life changing. It’s a paradigm shift in the way we think about love and relationships, and it should rightfully become a cultural touchstone. It has already improved my well-being and it can improve yours too. And it is much cheaper therapy!
I recommend you get a few copies of this because you will be you want to give it to loved ones (you may or may not be in a relationship with them, hint). principles in How to feel love apply to all relations worthy of our care and attention – family, friendship and romantic partners.
Make no mistake: the quality of our relationships is the quality of our lives. There is nothing in the world that has a greater impact on our long-term well-being. And yet, no one bothered to teach us these things. Not in high school, not in college, not in university.
Lyubomirsky and Reis have combined 80 years of experience to bring this book to the world so that we can love and be loved better. May you come away with this transformative book as I did.
