Wishes for Newlyweds: A Psychologist’s Guide to Lasting Love.
I went to my niece’s wedding last month. During dinner, each place had a card for guests to fill out. Above was the headline: Advice and wishes for the new Mr. and Mrs. I was overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings by this simple advice. I reflected on what I had learned from my marriage over the years. I thought with excitement about the life my nephew and his bride were starting together. I couldn’t help but think of what I’ve learned about relationships in my years as a practicing psychologist.
Marriage and intimate relationships can be challenging because they require finding a balance between being intimate with another person, feeling connected and connected, and maintaining one’s individuality. When people first fall in love, they are attracted to each other and support the special interests of their partners. They also appreciate the way their partner supports them. Both members of the couple will be successful in such a relationship.
However, over time, partners begin to take each other for granted. In a sense, they develop the illusion of being an extension of each other, two halves of a whole. This can upset the balance in their relationship and make them forget that they are whole people in their own right. Their recognition of their partner as a person may also diminish. They can lose the spark in themselves and the spark between each other. This unconscious process, which my father, Dr. Robert Firestone, called “phantom attachment,” is the illusion of joining another person as a substitute for real love and relationship.
It is important for couples to be mindful of this process and learn to maintain their individuality while remaining emotionally close and connected to their partner. To this end, each partner should not give up activities or friendships that he or she enjoys and should encourage his or her partner to do the same. They need to remember that they don’t bend themselves to become what their partner wants them to be. They can respect and support each other’s individuality. Couples can then maintain emotional intimacy while being fully themselves.
I had many wishes for my nephew and his bride that night, but the strongest was that they would each retain their sense of individuality and enjoy a sense of pleasure, respect, and love for each other. Here are five wedding reception card suggestions in bold, followed by the responses and thoughts they inspired me.
ALWAYS… treat your partner well. We are all human, we have strengths and weaknesses. The important thing is to see each other realistically, politely. There is a whole world of things inside of your partner that you may not fully understand. When you see your partner through a caring lens, you can come from a place of kindness—even in difficult situations. This approach to your partner will help you be kinder to yourself. When things get complicated or difficult, it’s easier to show patience and compassion to yourself and your loved ones.
DO NOT… get caught up in expectations of what a relationship should be. It’s hard not to fall victim to the images that bombard us of what the perfect partner, love, family, home, career, life, etc. look like. Things will not be perfect. There will be times when you feel frustrated. You and your partner won’t be on the same page about everything. Sometimes you may feel like you are failing as a couple. There may be times when you feel distant or critical of each other. But if you resist comparing yourself to external images of what a relationship should be, you can look inward and notice the true qualities that you and your partner bring to your union.
sometimes… you’re angry and that’s okay. Anger is a natural, human emotion, but it’s often uncomfortable to feel. If you learn to accept and be curious about your angry reactions instead of suppressing them or judging them, you can avoid the pitfalls of second-guessing yourself or having to justify your feelings. Then you can skip the big feeling of it and decide how to deal with the situation that is bothering you. Understanding and moving past your anger can take time, patience, and introspection. Look It’s good to be angry. 6 tips for dealing with anger for more information.
DON’T FORGET… the reason you fell in love with your partner. The most endearing things about your partner are what make them special; their point of view, their unusualness, their nature. Although you are compatible and have a lot in common, your partner is a unique person, shaped by his own personality and personal life experiences. Their story is different from yours, their experience is different than yours. You can support your partner’s unique qualities and qualities by being aware of and encouraging the things that light them up and make them feel their best.
MOST IMPORTANT… Congratulations! Because together you will embark on a lifelong journey of discovery and love that is challenging, but above all else, infinitely rewarding!
WITH LOVE, Lisa Firestone
