This past Mother’s Day was particularly poignant for me. This year marks 10 years since my mother passed away from a rare cancer in Bangalore, India.
Social networks filled with tributes to the wonderful mothers of the world. My mother Lakshmi was amazing too.
And it was also… difficult.
Reflecting on my mother leaves me with lasting lessons about the impact of “difficult people” on our lives and careers. Calling someone “difficult” may seem pejorative, but it actually describes a complex interpersonal dynamic that may not be as simple as we’d like it to be, but is an active reflection of reality.
My mother gave my brother and me our strength, endurancedrive and, above all, moral fiber. He was also kind and generous, especially to the poorer than us. She was a kind of feminist, the founder boundaries for himself in the deeply traditional culture of the Iyengar community of South India. He was a big supporter of it education Working Indian women and all our servants paid for their children’s schooling and kept track of their grades.
My mother was also a difficult person. Stubborn, negative, pessimistic and prone to attacks anger and despair. “No” was his default mode. But we knew how much he loved us.
Over time, my father, brother and I realized that he could never make my mother happy, only that he could do it. My father, who was married to her for 60 years, became a master of stoicism. I never understood why he was the way he was.
Until one day, I was waiting for a prescription at my local drugstore and noticed a metal revolving book stand filled with paperbacks. I think I saw a book How to deal with difficult people. My heart pounded. Wait, there was a category of people with psychological characteristics that made them “difficult people”? I instantly thought of my mother and everything fell into place.
I started flipping through the book. The message was clear. Being a “difficult person” a personality a trait that makes some people nearly impossible to please. It can also be formed by his lack of self-determination and clear expression, manifestation such as worry, depressionor loneliness. In retrospect, this may have been part of my mother’s story, especially after her children immigrated to the United States.
Difficult people can cause real stress to those around them, whether they are family members, friends, colleagues, employees or bosses.
Managing difficult bosses and employees
Inside me careerI’ve had my share of bosses who were absolutely wonderful, and in retrospect, a couple who really fell into the “difficult people” category. Negative, emotional, overly demanding, impossible to please.
Realizing that this is a personality trait has made relationships much easier for me. When a relationship or situation seems out of control, I ask myself, “Am I dealing with a difficult person?”
It’s also made me very sensitive to the possibility that I’m becoming a mother in my own relationship, so I often stop and try to readjust to feel like I’m moving in that direction. I also thought about relationships and wondered how being “difficult” contributed.
The consequences of this psychological trait are great for employers and employees. Employers need to deal with chronically negative people who spread toxicity in the workplace because they can never truly be satisfied. And their performance is often low. In most cases, they need to be removed quickly before they affect the workplace culture.
On the other hand, if your boss is a difficult employee and you believe your performance is superior, realize that it may not be you in the first place. They may just be a “difficult person”. So what do you do? Know that no matter how hard you work or how good you are at your job, they will never be satisfied. They can only be controlled and only up to a point. The only option is to let go of your resentment over time or leave and find a better boss. And there are many great bosses in the world.
Inside me coachingI often ask clients to think about difficult people in their lives or work. Do they exhaust themselves trying to please someone they can never please?
What steps can you take today to make things easier with difficult people?
On Mother’s Day, I sent my mom so much love for the lessons she taught me about meeting people where they are.
