“I didn’t know what I was doing was toxic,” Alex told me. “I just thought that’s how people fight.” Often called a “serial dater” by friends, Alex bounces from one serious relationship to another. “As soon as one ends, I have to be with someone new. Being alone terrifies me,” they say. This constant search for validation comes from deep within fear leave
When their partners begin to move towards ending the relationship, Alex becomes angry panic being alone. “I fight,” they admit, struggling to put into words the behaviors they know. “I act desperate and say bad things. Then I always feel so bad, but now I can’t help myself – the words are out of my mouth before I know what’s going on!”
We often repeat what we learn
If your early experiences of love and connection were laced with bad relationships, it can disrupt your inner compass. Therefore, there are many survivors of the family trauma struggle to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy behavior in relationships, especially if they are exposed to widespread dysfunction in their environment.
We often repeat what we know and what we know is what we were taught. If we learn the dysfunction, we can repeat the cycle – even unintentionally. Likewise, we may struggle to recognize when our behavior has crossed into unhealthy or even abusive territory.
It’s painful, but important to acknowledge that it means some of us may be more likely to fall back into abusive and dysfunctional relationships. Tragically, some survivors continue to engage in unhealthy behaviors or even abuse.1.2. It doesn’t excuse harmful behavior, but it helps us understand some why behind.
I often see this play out in my practice. Clients who grew up in abusive households often find themselves in adult relationships that reflect these same dysfunctional patterns. Research supports the cycle I see: individuals who experience abuse or neglect childhood are at significantly higher risk of experiencing or continuing violent dynamics in adulthood1.2. These early experiences shape how we see ourselves and others and often form a permanent internal blueprint. closeness and conflict.
This is an understandably sensitive subject. No one wants to believe that they have acted in unhealthy or harmful ways. In fact, this is often a key part of why it’s so difficult to tell our parents about any abuse we’ve experienced growing up: their rejection becomes a form of self-preservation. It is human nature to want to see ourselves in the best light. However, part of healing and breaking the cycle of abuse and trauma is understanding our bad and unhealthy behaviors so we can do better.
Children who witness or experience abuse may mimic these dynamics in adulthood, especially if they do not receive support to change these patterns. This is because if a child learns that love involves control, manipulation, or emotional outbursts, and they don’t support that these behaviors are unhealthy, they may not be aware that they are repeating the cycle. Add unresolved trauma and emotional regulation becomes more difficult. Some survivors become so disorganized during the conflict that they “lose control” in a way that reflects what was done to them.
For example; for example:
- When a partner who has survived childhood neglect becomes emotionally withdrawn, they may experience extreme fear and, as a result, may lash out in anger in order to reconnect.
- A person who grows up powerless may try to dominate their partner in adulthood as a way to regain lost control.
- A child giving oral testimony aggression or manipulation between caregivers may view these behaviors as normal or necessary for communication and revert to them during conflict.
I’m sure we can all agree that experiencing trauma is never an excuse for harm. But recognizing the origins of abusive behavior can help us better understand how these patterns perpetuate and help us recognize them and try to break the cycle.
This is why treatment is so important to break the cycle.
Partly taken from my book The Cycle Breaker’s Guide to a Healthy Relationship.
