In February, we have to focus on love. Romantic cards, flowers and gifts are sold everywhere. Love stories on TV. Everyone seems to be making special plans for Valentine’s Day. But what if there’s a mismatch between our relationships and what the world sells us as “normal”? What if we’re a little disappointed in love? What if we realize that the “perfect partner” doesn’t meet our list of expectations (ie attractive, intelligent, sensitive, responsible, funny, and shares our interests)? What if they aren’t the perfect partner for a life that suits us 24/7?
It’s what we’ve been taught to expect since childhood—from fairy tales to teen novels to modern romcoms. Real examples in our lives—our parents’ or peers’ relationships, or even our own—we look at as anomalies, eyeing the future where our perfect partner will appear. Who wouldn’t want a love story like that? But there’s a reason romance fiction always begins when a couple first meets and ends when they fall in love. In fact, this is the first chapter of a relationship before the partners get down to the business of building a life together.
Usually, people imagine their new relationship partner to be perfect and then when they get to know them better, they discover habits or traits that annoy them. They understand that there are interests that they do not share. Their image of the perfect partner is shattered. People may try to maintain this image by idealizing their partner, ignoring the qualities they don’t like, or even exaggerating some of their qualities. For example, they may act as if their partner is funnier or more interesting to them than they are. This requires selling oneself, because in order to make one’s partner more, one must make oneself less. This strategy is especially harmful, because it reduces the possibility of a real relationship – the partner who is being built becomes invisible, and the other loses his personal dignity.
Or, when the flaws of the “perfect” partner begin to emerge, people can become frustrated and angry. They may feel victimized because they don’t have what is rightfully theirs. This often leads to criticizing the partner, focusing on any of their mistakes and shortcomings, and even exaggerating them. Such a reflective attitude is supported by the critical inner voice of a person. Voice is a self-defense tool that can inhibit intimacy by projecting a negative view of oneself, one’s partner, and one’s relationship. It attacks the person (You don’t know how to react!) and/or their partner (They are very stupid / indifferent / weak etc.) and/or their relations (This relationship is doomed to failure! Where is the love/passion/compatibility?) Very quickly, a person can turn against his partner, himself and the whole relationship.
The problem is that both in the original expectation and in the reaction when it is broken, people ignore the basic truth. Each of us is unique with our own interests, some we share with our partner and some we don’t. And because we are human, we are imperfect. We have strengths and weaknesses. There is no perfect person, so there can be no perfect partner.
Thinking about this, a term coined by pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott comes to mind: “the good enough mother.” This imperfect parent provides a safe environment and emotional connection and meets some, but not all, of the child’s needs. Because the parent is not perfect, the child adapts and develops skills to cope with frustration and disappointment. A child is offered a real relationship with a real person rather than trying to relate to someone who represents an image of perfection.
Likewise, psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D. wrote about “a good enough relationship”. In such relationships, people do not seek to have all their needs met by their partners. They do not think that their relationship will be without conflict. They do not wait to resolve all their differences. Gottman quotes Dr. Dan Will“When choosing a long-term partner, you inevitably choose a set of problems that cannot be solved.” In “Good Enough Relationships,” people don’t look to their partners and relationships to solve all their problems or heal their childhood wounds. They are not looking for the missing part.
Gottman identified reasonable expectations for partners regarding how they should treat each other. These include treating each other with kindness, love, affection and respect, and not tolerating emotional or physical abuse. In his research, he observed that partners who modeled this behavior towards each other were able to develop closer and closer relationships. They trust each other and are completely loyal to each other. They manage conflicts constructively to achieve mutual understanding and compromise. And they are able to effectively repair when they harm each other.
A good-enough, imperfect, good-enough relationship with realistic expectations gives each member of the couple a chance to be authentic. Each of them has the opportunity to feel themselves while appreciating and supporting the unique interests and qualities of their partner. In my book, Courage to loveI emphasize the importance of maintaining the individuality of each partner in a relationship.
Two main factors that contribute to the success of a relationship: the development of each partner as an individual and the appreciation and support of the individuality of the partner. To that end, we learn to value our independence and strive to maintain our integrity by remaining mature, open, vulnerable, and honest in our relationships. We also learn to respect that our partner is a sovereign entity separate from us and our relationship. A relationship thrives when two people who feel strongly about themselves bring their own unique and diverse qualities to their partnership.
In order to maintain a real relationship, it is better not to dream and wait for an ideal relationship. It can be difficult this month when faced with all the marketing and idealization of love. But we can appreciate that we and our partner are in a loving relationship where we are two unique human beings creating a real connection in a real and imperfect world.
This post was originally published as Real relationships in an imperfect world Updated on August 4, 2021 to include new concepts.
