Two young survivors recently sibling sexual abuse (SSA)17 and 22 years old, turned to me. I can’t . imagine managed to reach out in a similar way in my late teens and early 20s. I can’t imagine how to find it any other survivors or any sources of comfort or sympathy in my youth. There were no such websites back then Sibling sexual trauma and 5 WAVEConflict groups for survivors and parents of survivors, books SSA or any other form of support.
Things have changed since I was in my 20s, almost 40 years ago now. In the past five years, organizations, websites, and podcasts have been created that offer resources that were previously inaccessible.
support groups, qualified therapistsand stories by and for brothers sexual violence survivors appeared all over the world. Scientists are researching disclosure and Impact of SSAand publishing their results. And now the conference, Sibling Sexual Trauma and Abuse: Breaking the Silenceorganized to help.
When I was 17, 19, 22, 24…
When I was 17 years old, I didn’t even admit that what my brother did was insulting. I sneaked out of the house, smoking lots of weed, and angry and/or crying myself to sleep at night.
When I was 19, I finally got the words out of my mouth and told my new friend that I had been molested. I also told him that I was sure I had done something to make this happen, that my family would never believe me, that they would do nothing to support me, and that it wasn’t as big of a deal as I made it out to be.
I was trying to crawl out of my skin when I was 22. Notes and fear caught me without a moment’s warning. It would take me days to weeks to sort myself out.
When I was 24, I knew that if I didn’t tell my brother what their son had done to me, I would explode or never see my family again. I lived far away from them and came back specifically to tell them the truth. I didn’t have any money at the time, but I planned how I would get out and back across the country if they denied the abuse. They didn’t deny it, but their responses were re-traumatizing and they didn’t offer any meaningful support after my disclosure.
Believe in yourself: you deserve it and you deserve it
I found the strength to say each of them and still believe in myself and the truth.
I found a way to sit across from my brother’s desk and confront him about what he had done and still stand strong in my confidence.
Most importantly, for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like he had any power over me because I told the truth.
That strength, that confidence in myself, knowing that telling my family the truth would save me was the best feeling in the world.
Disclosure was not easy, but it was necessary. I wasn’t prepared for my family’s lack of meaningful support and their repeated traumatic comments (“Well, that’s in the past.” “Oh, that’s why you and your brother were at each other’s throats that summer.” “Are you okay now?”) even though their minimization of the situation hurt me. trauma I felt stronger after my brother’s attacks and was able to take the steps that would lead to further healing.
My relationship with most of my siblings was not restored after I spoke about what my brother had done to me or the damage he had done to our entire family.
Talking to my family was necessary and liberating, giving me a way back to myself.
Collect, dream, act
At age 66, I’m about to give a keynote presentation to a fraternity Sex Trauma and Abuse (SSTA) Conference in June. We are gathering. We are having a conference. I’ve been dreaming of this since I was 20 years old.
We all dream of what we want. Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t. Or when they do, just keep going and keep creating and building. There will be others to build with you.
Every time we speak up about sibling sexual abuse/incest, every time we reach out to someone we trust, we save lives, prevent further harm, and encourage healing and recovery.
It is community and togetherness as an act.
