Emotional blackmail is a form of emotional manipulation in which another person forces you to do something using emotional pressure. Because emotions drive action, strong emotions can drive strong action. Emotional blackmailers create strong negative emotions in you that encourage obedience, and when you obey, you get rid of these negative emotions.
Thus, emotional blackmail is the process of creating a strong negative emotional state in you, forcing you to return to a neutral or positive emotional state. This is usually achieved by complying with the blackmailer’s demands. If you do, they will no longer encourage you to create negative mental and emotional states.
Blackmail tactics of parents
How does a strong, negative mental and emotional state develop?
By creating strong negative emotions such as fear, obligation, guilt and shame. Parents who want to emotionally blackmail their children say and do things that create a strong, negative emotional state in the other. This can be done in different ways. A common thread running through almost all emotional manipulation tactics by parents is to make the child feel small, bad, and worthless.
Because children have self-esteem needs and don’t want to be seen as small, bad, or worthless, they are motivated to do whatever it takes to gain their parents’ approval. They do everything they can to make their parents stop looking at them negatively.
Common ways to make a child, as well as an adult, feel small, bad, and worthless include:
1. Threats
A parent may threaten to withdraw financial and/or emotional support. Or they may threaten to disown you. The goal is to instill fear in you so that you can fulfill their needs and demands.
Phrases:
“You won’t get any pocket money after that.”
“I’m sending you to boarding school.”
“Children who hurt their parents do not succeed.”
Main Message (UM):
“You are so bad that you have to be threatened. If you are not threatened, you will not listen.”
2. Feeling guilty
This often takes the form of blaming you for things you are not responsible for. Anything bad that happens to the family or them can be attributed to you.
Phrases:
“You cause me so much stress and strain.”
“I curse the day you were born.”
ONE:
“You are bad for causing me pain.”
3. Obligation
Obviously, most parents do a lot for their children. Many parents also weaponize this “debt”. They act like you owe them everything because they sacrificed so much, even though it was their choice to have you. As they say, you feel compelled.
Phrases:
“After all I’ve done for you…”
“No matter what you do, you will never be able to pay me back.”
ONE:
“If you do not return the favors I have bestowed upon you, you are mean and ungrateful.”
4. Shame
Many emotionally manipulative parents tend to be narcissists who deal with their own sense of shame. Ultimately, their sense of shame stems from their fear of being negatively perceived by others. Society tends to judge parents harshly and shame them for not being good parents. The parent, in turn, carries out projects that will embarrass the child. A child is expected not to engage in behavior that may be embarrassing to his or her parents or family.
Thus, shyness becomes an effective emotional blackmail tactic. The child wants to be accepted by parents and society in general.
Phrases:
“Look at Uncle Tom’s son, why can’t you be like him?”
“Because of you, we can’t face anyone in society anymore.”
ONE:
“If you do X, you deserve to be bad and shamed.”
5. Invalidation
If your parents see you as worthless, then everything about you will seem so, including your needs and feelings. You are seen not as a separate, worthy person with your own needs, thoughts and feelings, but at worst as an object or an extension of them. You will be dismissed, terminated and minimized (DIM). So emotionally manipulative parents DIM your personality and personality.
Phrases:
“You are very sensitive.”
“You overreacted.”
“Do you feel bad? What should I do now?”
What does “embarrass you” mean?
“You have no say in the matter. You’re just a child. Let the adults decide.”
ONE:
“You are not an important person.”
These basic messages will eventually become the child major psychological injuries. The child is likely to struggle with anxiety, depression, self-doubt, self-criticism, perfectionism, an unstable personality, low self-esteem, and unhealthy relationships. Prolonged exposure to manipulative behavior can lead to emotional numbness and even complex PTSD.
Healthy parents are against emotional blackmail
You may have considered some of the tactics above and thought:
“But isn’t that what parents are supposed to do? Isn’t that just normal parental care?”
I admit, drawing the line between parental care and control is not easy. But that doesn’t mean it can’t or shouldn’t be drawn. When a child is young, it is difficult to separate the two. If the child is a child, it may make sense for the parents to control as much as they care. But if they are more controlling than they are, they can harm the child psychologically.
The best way to tell if your parents are more controlling than nurturing is to see if their controlling tactics carry over into adulthood. Because it shows that they don’t see you as an adult, autonomous person.
However, it is important to clarify how supervision differs from care. Emotionally manipulative parents can disguise control as caring. For example, when they offer their help, it may come from “You’re too incompetent” and genuine help. You feel negativity and bitterness with them. It could be something negative they say directly or something in their tone of voice. If you complain, they may say:
“I’m just trying to help.”
But you know it’s not just help. There is more. They make you look incompetent. Real care does not leave a bad taste in the mouth.
Also, if you’re about to make a big life decision about a career or marriage, it makes sense for your parents to worry about it. It makes sense for them to give their advice and suggestions. Separation of care and supervision in these areas can be difficult. A controlling, emotionally manipulative parent tries to control almost every aspect of your life, even the small, insignificant things.
Their “care” or control will have no meaning. That’s when you know their intent is not to help or care, but to control. It seems so unnecessary. But they have to do it because they are uncontrolled. When they’re micromanaging you, you’ll be in a situation over and over again where you’ll have to say something like:
“It’s not a big deal.”
“What difference does it make?”
| Territory | Healthy parents | Emotional blackmail of parents |
|---|---|---|
| Love | Love remains stable even in times of disagreement. | Love and consent are canceled to achieve compatibility. |
| Respect for autonomy | Encourages age-appropriate independence and decision-making. | He sees independence as disobedience, rejection or betrayal. |
| Limits | Respects the child’s personal boundaries and the right to say no. | Boundaries are viewed as selfish, hurtful, or disrespectful. |
| disagreement | Accepts that children may have different opinions. | Expects agreement and may punish dissent. |
| Emotional responsibility | He takes responsibility for his feelings. | Makes the child responsible for the feelings and well-being of the parents. |
| Discipline | Focuses on teaching, learning and natural consequences. | Aimed at arousing guilt, fear, or emotional distress. |
| Errors | Accepts mistakes as opportunities for growth. | Uses mistakes to shame, criticize, or create guilt. |
| Sacrifices | Gives without waiting for a lifetime payment. | Often reminds the child to make sacrifices to get help. |
| decision making | Helps the child learn how to make the right decisions. | It forces the child to make decisions that satisfy the parents. |
| Failure | Offers support and guidance after setbacks. | Uses failure to induce shame or reinforce addiction. |
| Confidentiality | Reasonably respects privacy and individuality. | Invades privacy to monitor or control loyalty. |
| Adult relationships | Supports healthy friendships and romantic relationships. | Sees external relations as a threat to parental influence. |
| Life choices | Accepts that the child can choose a different path. | Uses emotional pressure to choose the parent’s wishes. |
| Conflict resolution | Works for mutual understanding and repair. | Uses the silent treatment, victimization, emotional outbursts, or threats. |
| Identity development | Supports the child’s unique personality and values. | It forces the child to be the person their parents want them to be. |
| The main goal | Raise a well-rounded, independent adult. | Maintain control and dependence. |
It doesn't matter whether the parent do this consciously or unconsciously. We have a responsibility to think about the impact of our actions. conscious or unconscious, on others.
Conflict
Conflicts between parents and children are common not only in humans, but also in the animal world. You share 50% of your genes with your parents, so they care about you more than anyone else. But you don’t share 100% of their genes. Yes, they may care a lot about you, but they care more about themselves. If you want to understand the confusing dance of care-control in the parent-child dynamic, you need to face this reality.
Once you accept that conflict will happen, you can let go of the often culturally embedded idea that parents are saints or angels and can do no wrong. Data on childhood abuse and trauma do not quite fit this understanding.
If you don’t see your parents as perfect, you may not really want their approval and acceptance. Likewise, if you are independent. Two different people’s interests can collide at some point, and your parents are no different. How people deal with conflict depends on their level of awareness. emotional intelligenceand empathy.
If you believe that your parents have these qualities, you may be able to reach a compromise or solution. But the reason parental emotional blackmail is so common is that most parents lack the ability to communicate directly. So they blackmail you thinking it’s the best way to get their needs met, trampling your identity and self-worth in the process and scarring you for life.
