The claim that couples who argue more are more in love seems counterintuitive, and for good reason. Because he is is considered counterintuitive and counterintuitive logic. Within a romantic relationship, greater love leads to greater positive relationships and feelings. Constant fighting and fighting creates negative interactions and emotions that have the potential to destroy relationships. It is a simple fact of human nature that we tend to seek pleasure and avoid pain.
So the claim that couples who argue more automatically love more is false. Nothing is said about what kind of conflicts they have and how they are resolved. If couples argue effectively and engage in healthy conflict, it can certainly improve the quality of their romantic relationship and lead to “more love.”
The inevitability of relationship conflict
Conflict in any relationship is inevitable because the interests of two people are not 100% aligned. This is true for friendships, family relationships, and especially romantic relationships. At least in family relationships, genetic relatedness helps to reach a compromise. Friendship is not a big stake, and compromises can be easily reached. But compromise seems especially difficult in romantic relationships.
There are two reasons for this:
- Humans rely on their romantic partners for their most important needs, namely reproduction and, to some extent, survival. And that makes this relationship top notch.
- Romantic partners are not genetically related. People refer to genetically unrelated people as “them” rather than “us”.
The evolution of romantic love
Romantic love probably evolved to overcome these points. Strong romantic feelings force people to put in extra effort in love and care, which they otherwise would not be able to do. Large investments and efforts are usually reserved for genetic relatives. In other words, benefiting a romantic partner does not automatically benefit one’s own genes. Thus, cooperation in such relationships is more difficult, if not impossible, than in relationships with relatives.
When romantic love has finished its work of bringing two unrelated people together so that they can reproduce, it begins to fade because it has served its purpose. Idealization no longer needed. It is no longer necessary to deceive yourself that your partner has only positive qualities. Now you see your partner not as an angel, but as a human being of flesh and blood. They have flaws just like you.
Not surprisingly, idealization plays a key role in relationship satisfaction. Seeing your partner as an ideal and ignoring their flaws and shortcomings increases relationship satisfaction.
Red flags that you previously didn’t want to talk about now become serious concerns. Personal differences and different values, beliefs, views, preferences, habits and lifestyles now begin to stir your soul. You get off the ship of idealization and you are on the shore of reality.
Relational power dynamics
When you rely on someone for your important needs, but they don’t relate to you, it creates room for a power dynamic. Because natural cooperation is difficult, you can try to get what you want from them by outdoing them.
Therefore, usually one or both partners try to gain power over the other, which is a characteristic of a “power struggle”. stage. They try to have power, because much of what they want depends on their partner. Many romantic relationships die at this stage because the partners cannot negotiate the power between them. Very few survive and become what we call healthy relationships.
However, this does not mean that a healthy relationship is without conflict. As a leading relationship researcher says in one of his books:
“Conflict comes with the territory of marriage.”
– John Gottman
In addition, he observed that the severity of conflict in unhappy marriages was similar to that in “happy” marriages.
There’s a conflict, now what?
Let’s clarify some points here. Conflicts in romantic relationships and marriages are stressful. They threaten a relationship on which you are betting so much. Stress and emotional pain not only mental health but also physical health deteriorates. When the stress of a relationship threatens your well-being and there is no hope, the only way to end it is without guilt and shame. Not all battles are worth it.
Don’t give in to social pressure. Where was the community when you went emotionally or physical abuse? They don’t care about you. Their only goal is to strengthen society by reproduction additional children. Growth for Growth as Divorce Attorney James Sexton puts.
Of course, I don’t suggest leaving at the first sign of conflict. What you should do instead is analyze your conflicts. Ask yourself:
- What types of conflicts are troubling my relationships?
- Do we argue the same issues over and over again?
- Are we fighting better?
- Do we have fewer and newer conflicts?
Key idea: Understand the pattern of your conflicts. Because once you understand that, only then can you decide whether a relationship is worth saving.
- If you keep running into the same conflicts over and over again, what key issues are you leaving unresolved?
- If you are upset in every conflict, this may indicate a high level of resentment.
- If your conflicts are getting worse and worse, it means that you or your partner have learned little or nothing from your previous fights.
Conflicts provide an opportunity to better understand yourself, your partner, and your relationship. If you deal with them in a healthy way, your bond will be strengthened.
Healthy and unhealthy conflict resolution
It’s not what you fight about, but how you fight that determines the trajectory of your relationship. Thus, it is important to know how to resolve conflicts in healthy ways. A natural human tendency when we feel hurt is to behave in bad and unhealthy ways. The urge to “hit back” when we feel like we’re “flashing” comes from the fight part of the fight-and-flight stress response. But fight and flight (flee/throw away) responses during conflict can be unhealthy.
Unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict
- Anger
- Yelling and hurting
- Name calling
- Harsh and hateful criticism
- Sarcasm and hatred
- Aggression and intimidation (controlling behavior)
Mainly resorting to emotional/verbal and physical abuse. Expressing anger is good, but how you do it is important. If you do this in an accusatory way, your partner may retaliate, continuing the cycle of defense against the attack. Nothing is solved.
Healthy ways
- Peace
- Kindness
- Boldness
- Communication boundaries
- Listening and understanding
- Strive for compromise
Reliability is one of the most difficult skills that can last for years and decades. All of these healthy techniques require practice and skill. They do not appear on their own, especially in times of stress. But if done right, they can produce effective results with the right partner.
Let me repeat that: with right partner
Who is a right partner?
The right partner strives for mutual well-being within the relationship. Because if it’s missing, what’s the point? It’s like pushing a rock uphill over and over again, only to have it fall back down again. Just because you’re with someone doesn’t automatically make them the right partner. The right partner has the right intentions. They are genuinely interested in being with you, working on themselves and working on the relationship.
The wrong partner is power hungry and only for himself. They don’t want to work on themselves or their relationship at all. They don’t want to carry their weight. If you notice these traits in your partner, trying to “save” the relationship will only waste your time and energy. Conflict resolution is a futile endeavor when one party refuses to invest in the relationship.
Beware of readiness for manipulation
If you are constantly working on yourself and your relationship, your toxic and manipulative partner will see this and may try to get ready. They know you want to reciprocate. Your conflicts seem constructive and developing. You will be amazed at your partner’s intelligence. They are just trying to win you over.
Once they have you, they no longer feel motivated to continue showing off. You will see that your conflicts are getting worse. What seemed like progress between you was just an illusion. In fact, they will be offended that you argued better than you. They never outgrew the power dynamic. They always wanted themselves to win, you or even the truth. Problems that you thought were solved a long time ago will resurface because you only had the impression that they were solved.
Deception is everywhere in nature, especially in sexually reproducing organisms. In humans, it just reaches an advanced psychological level.
Graphic summary
Staying in the “safe zone” over time leads to healthy relationships. Over time, staying in the “danger zone” leads to the disappearance of toxic relationships. You can jump between zones, but what matters is where you spend most of your time.
Patterns reveal intentions
Most of the relationship advice people give is superficial. They give you actions and bullet points to follow without ever talking about intent. It is often assumed that both parties have positive intentions.
As you analyze your relationship patterns, ask yourself:
“What do these patterns reveal about my partner’s intentions?”
A righteous person, a healthy person, has mostly positive intentions, even if he sometimes behaves in an unhealthy way. When they realize they’ve hurt you, they’re quick to make things right. There is preparation and it is not manipulation. The right person may turn out to be the wrong person for you over time. If so, they should be clear about their intentions and feelings. Nobody wants to be in it emotionally detached relationship
Note that it requires a certain amount of willingness to cooperate again. Basic human decency. Growing power dynamics. But no, the wrong partner prefers the unhealthy and toxic path of cheating or even cheating. Because that’s exactly what they are, a selfish child with their own psychological development was arrested 9 years old.
