“Hi…I’m worried because my six week old doesn’t know how to soothe himself. I have to hold him and if I let him cry he can’t soothe himself. What am I doing wrong?”
To read many sleep tips, teaching your baby to self-soothe seems to be the most important task. parenthoodAnd if parents don’t instill this skill early on, their children can struggle for years. Parents are warned that rocking or feeding a baby to sleep can put an end to a child’s ability to do this on their own. Experts advise that crying (even loudly or for a long time), then falling asleep means that the baby has “learned to self-soothe”.
It’s interesting when you look at it from a developmental perspective. Nowhere else in parenting do we tell parents that the only way a child can learn is by themselves. lack of from help. We don’t give a kid a bike and say, “I can’t help you, or you’ll never learn.” No – parents hold on for dear life, then slowly let go as the child begins to find their balance. They do not cut off their arms completely and continue to hang. It’s a dance between ability and growth.
Here’s what this self-soothing advice always misses: development and capacity. The ability to endure and manage adversity is not a given, but grows with the brain and nervous system (Gee, 2016).
The theory behind self-soothing advice
Self-soothing tips have taken root behaviorism– is a theory from the 1920s that babies come as completely conditioned blank slates. If you respond to a baby’s crying, you are teaching them that crying “works.” The problem is that behaviorism doesn’t consider biology, development, or temperament relevant. This puts a lot of pressure on parenting behavior and ignores many things that actually affect behavior.
What “self-soothing” really entails
Self-soothing means being able to do something for yourself that will help you move from sadness to peace. It is not a single skill or transition – it requires the ability to identify and assess a stressor, access a coping strategy (either by itself or care giver) and evaluate whether it worked. There are many opportunities for adults: going for a walk, calling a friend or going to the movies – all of these require mature cognitive, attention and motor skills.
Infant brains are still building the architecture that makes all of this possible. The younger the child, the fewer his abilities. A swaddled newborn cannot bring his hands to his mouth. Other than this one strategy, they have no other options. So falling asleep isn’t technically self-soothing; it is their only alternative.
Developing self-soothing skills month by month
The ability to manage adversity follows a certain developmental path.
In the first three months, It depends almost entirely on the physiology of babies. At about six to eight weeks, the visual cortex comes online and babies become more alert and easier to read (Chugani, 1998; Schore, 2003). Their coping options include turning away, sucking, closing their eyes, or to sleep (Copp, 1989).
Up to three to four monthssocial smiling occurs and infants gain a little more voluntary control attention and action (Sroufe, 1997). They may orient themselves briefly – but only when grief is low. When crying exceeds a certain threshold, even these limited resources go offline (Kopp, 1989).
From six months to a year, frontal lobe development allows infants to anticipate, understand, and shift focus more on cause and effect (Schore, 2003; Sroufe, 1997). They may find a pacifier, rub their lover, and remember that the parent who left the room will return. The repertoire will expand – but it will take time.
Over a year, the ability to intentionally modify behavior and manage high levels of distress continues to develop and mature. Brain structures necessary for reality emotional regulation it will take a few years to really develop.
Parents are not crutches. They are infrastructure.
Here’s a paradigm shift that has underpinned decades of developmental research: In the first year, parental soothing is not a problem for infant regulation. This regulating the baby.
Essential reading for parents
Educators are what researchers call “external organizers” of infant development stress-response system (Spangler et al., 1994). When parents respond to grief beyond their child’s capacity, they are not “creating” or breaking bad habits. They act as a guide through regulation – they show the child what it means to go from upset to calm, from excitement to calm in the context of communication. The aid helps to support and adjust the child’s nervous system. It’s not a “problem”, it’s a strength.
This does not mean that parents have to respond to every cry. The important thing is to step in when the grief overwhelms you this baby can control this is the point in development.
I will go out and say: If a child is hysterical and can’t get help to calm down, no learning will happen. Learning really happens when frustration is manageable.
Temperament makes all the difference
Not all babies operate with the same tolerance window. Research shows that temperamentally sensitive or reactive infants have physiologically different stress responses—higher levels of cortisol, greater reactivity, and greater difficulty reducing their anxiety (Calkins et al., 2002; Fox & Calkins, 2003). For these infants, what is noted as a mild disappointment to another infant may be a significant and challenging event (Williamson & Anzalone, 2000). If your baby fusses more quickly and is harder to soothe, it’s neurobiology – it doesn’t “fail to self-soothe”.
What does this mean for parents now?
There is nothing wrong with helping a child calm down when needed. Research on the prevention of sleep problems through early self-soothing training shows only modest, short-term gains (Fangupo et al., 2021; Stremler et al., 2013). Self-soothing skills come naturally as the brain develops, and parents continue to indulge in controlled doses during the first few years of life.
Let’s focus on “self-soothing”. arrangement– where pacification occurs not in an individual state, but in a relationship.
