When we say “will,” the last thing we think about will eventually happen, and it will happen on four different levels. In committed relationships, we betray ourselves and our partners, and our partners betray us and betray us. Because we believe our thriving relationships are immune to infidelity, infidelity is so disruptive. In fact, the exact opposite is true. Maintaining a clean record of loyalty and devotion is not an option. In fact, it would be a quixotic venture.
Self-betrayal
What can be said about our own betrayal is also true of our partners who have betrayed us. So we turn to two levels of betrayal. Self-betrayal occurs when we honor our own soul’s desires or personal values. This kind of betrayal happens when we are too attuned to our partner’s wants and desires, or when they are too eager to support our needs. That is, one of us tries to please the other at the expense of forgetting ourselves. It’s easy to ignore the self-betrayals of our partners because there’s less conflict and more harmony and cooperation when only one person in a relationship is emotionally involved. However, it is very easy for a betrayed person to be hurt passive-aggressiveand blaming their partners for controlling the relationship.
There may be patterns of self-deception trauma– notified. Our choices are based on initial behaviors that support security. This includes being flexible, hypervigilant and submissive, and compulsively trying to do the right thing, which means not hurting your partner. Remember that self-betrayal often leads to dissatisfaction with our partners, as if they are holding us hostage.
Correction of self-betrayal
We cannot make our partners loyal to us. All we can do is ask to hear more about what they want and value. They must make amends for their betrayal. There are some choices we can make to strengthen our commitment to ourselves.
- Note that we often say yes. It requires pausing and thinking about whether it is authentic to say yes to a partner’s request. If we feel shy Start with “I don’t know” about saying no. If we’ve made it part of our love to please others, it can be hard to say no. It takes time.
- Create relationships with desire. It’s easy to say yes when we don’t know what we want. Practice being interested in what you want every day. Remind yourself that an active relationship with your desire does not make you selfish. It makes you more committed to yourself and allows you to be emotionally involved in your relationship.
- Define your values. Figure out what gives your life meaning. What do you value? What would you be willing to die for? How would you try to make you feel? guilt and shame?
- Communicate your desires and values. Let your partner know what you want, especially from them. Talking about your desires and values will help them feel more real.
- Stop blaming your partner. Our partners cannot force us to betray ourselves. However, they can enjoy the harmony that comes from our obedience and desire to please.
- Be aware of the times you have betrayed yourself. Do not berate yourself for your betrayal. Take self-betrayal as an invitation to return to what you want or value.
When you are a traitor
If you have been betrayed and want to heal your relationship, there are some steps you should take. Be clear that the time and effort required to create a repair will depend on how many lies accompanied the betrayal. We don’t have to accept 10 years sexual the case of betrayal of our partners. Betrayal can include breaking a contract, acting against our partner’s values, breaching confidentiality, or breaking a promise.
- Describe what you did and how much fraud you engaged in. How do you think your choices will affect your partner and your relationship?
- Correction. Reparation is an apology accompanied by a commitment not to repeat the harmful behavior. Avoid justifying your behavior or asking for mercy.
- Describe the violation of your values. If you have violated your own values by committing this betrayal, tell your partner. You betrayed yourself. This will soften your partner’s belief that you just want them to forgive you and move on.
- Forgive yourself. Make it clear that it is your responsibility to forgive yourself and do what you can to accept your partner. forgiveness not in your control.
- Be open to your partner’s questions.
- Restoring trust. Let your partner know that you care about what it takes to rebuild trust and that you understand that it will take some time.
When you cheat
- Shock. Hearing that you’ve been betrayed can shock you and disrupt the routine nervous system. You may want to respond with dramatic action, such as punching or running away. Regulate your nervous system and do not make important decisions.
- Try not to idealize yourself. Don’t think you’re above cheating.
- Self care. Get the help you need to determine if you have colluded in the cheating, which may be from a professional. An example of this can be a husband who has not allowed his wife to touch him for more than a year. She turns to another man for physical contact. Don’t ask for help from a friend who just wants to bully your partner. Employment boundaries this is an offer emotional stability. You may need to sleep in a different room.
- Ask for information that will help you determine the nature of the offense. You only want information that describes how your trust was violated.
- Share how you emotionally responded to the betrayal.
- Check if the previous betrayal is resurrected. Most of my work is related to marriage betrayalprevious childhood treason has occurred. It is important to resolve past infidelity before moving on to current infidelity. If the old one is not separated, it can be very difficult to treat the current one.
- Decide if you want to heal the current infidelity.
- Know exactly what it takes to restore trust and support forgiveness. Once you have this clarity, share it with your partner.
It may be easier to heal a relationship suffering from infidelity if it is not immune to it. Betrayal is not just a misfortune. This can be an opportunity to uncover patterns of self-betrayal and alienation.
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