You know the pattern: you ask what you think is an innocent question, and your partner responds with an over-the-top reaction. Maybe you can control it, but no. Their response triggers a strong reaction in you: you punch back and now you’re both out of a job and running. What’s going on is what’s under the surface – a fight under a fight, stirring up each other’s emotional wounds.
Here’s the anatomy of emotional trauma, its effects, and how to break the pattern:
5 wounds, 3 cures
Depending on how our parents treated us, we are conditioned to be sensitive to at least one or two of the five childhood traumas: criticism, micromanagement, lack of self-worth, and feeling dismissed or unheard or ignored. When you were a child, there were basically three ways to cope when you felt hurt: be nice – walk on eggshells to avoid conflict – withdraw and withdraw or get angry. And if you had siblings, you often ran away from them: my brother is angry, my sister is calm, and I am fine. What you chose helped you cope when you were in danger or when you were injured.
We incorporate our coping strategies into our intimate relationships
At some point – five days or five weeks – our partner will touch our wounds: they will ask a simple question and you will hear a criticism; they tell us to drive to Walmart and you feel micromanaged; you make a nice dinner and they don’t say anything, so you feel worthless; you try to tell them about your day and they stare at their phones, so you feel dismissed; you text them and they don’t respond for six hours, so you feel neglected.
The cycle begins
Now you do what you did when you were 6: get angry, be nice, withdraw. Once you’ve done that, it usually triggers another wound. They react, you react, and everyone feels and acts like a 6-year-old.
You try to figure out a combination that will stop them
When the dust settles, your 6-year-old brain is still at work and says, “If I understand this, combine things in the right way – don’t leave my shoes in the living room, don’t tell their mother, don’t cook – they will magically stop – stop criticizing, appreciate me more, etc.” Unfortunately, you will never understand this because you are born from childhood.
I’ve met many couples over the years who do exactly this and eventually break up, tired of being criticized, micromanaged, etc. divorcedremarried, and then they do it again.
The real problem is software in its infancy
They repeat it because the problem isn’t really the other person—yes, they’re triggering you—but the real problem is that what you learned as a child doesn’t work in the adult world. You need to update the software to stop the cycle, stop triggering and feeling like a child and stop reacting. How much?
Two steps
#1: Stop compromising the relationship
As a child, you probably weren’t able to tell your parents exactly what you needed – less criticism, more appreciation. Now you need to do this: Speak up and tell your partner what your emotional wounds are and what you need. They don’t have to walk on eggshells or tape their mouths shut; they just need to be more responsive. And you want to know what their emotional wounds are. Now, cut the deal: I’ll try not to step on your wounds; try not to step on mine.
#2: Update your software: Do what you can’t do
You both do your best, but you still need to update your software. It’s about you, about taking control of your life and not feeling like a child. Solution: Do what you can’t do.
If you tend to be nice and avoid conflict, learn to tolerate strong emotions and conflict strictlyand instead of holding it and becoming a martyr, tell others what you need. If you tend to withdraw and be passive, learn to initiate rather than go along. If you are inclined angerlearn to control your emotions; there’s no need to bite your tongue, but instead use it as a reference to tell others what you need rather than spraying anger around the room. You are doing what your parents couldn’t do now.
Breaking the cycle means healing wounds
The moral here is that intimate relationships come with each partner’s childhood baggage, and that one partner’s baggage can trigger the other, which can cause conflict—and that’s normal. But the keys to breaking this cycle are knowing what each person is sensitive to and working individually to eliminate old childhood coping styles that no longer work.
You can learn to do it now, you can learn it later, or you can learn it never, but if you ever want to stop feeling like a child and take better control of your life, you have to learn it.
