According to psychologist John Gottman’s decades of research, 69 percent of relationship conflicts are “unresolvable.”
This means that more than two-thirds of relationship problems are due to mutual disagreements. personality, parenthood Styles, political beliefs, core values, and behavior patterns may change as the cows come home. Introverts and extrovertsmorning people and night people, impulsives and planners, spenders and savers, adventure seekers and security seekers, dog people and cat people, bad boys and good girls. These are unresolvable, only manageable differences, and trying to resolve them only leads to frustration and obstacles.
Of course, relationships don’t start out that way. Opposites attract you, attract you to people who challenge or complement your dominant habits, thereby bringing balance, chemistry, novelty and a kind of psychological adventure into your life.
Under the influence of infatuation, even deep differences are of little concern, and some time before the spell ends, you know you will be surprised, all your flaws magically reborn as attractive eccentricities. As a character in a movie Closer “We’re blushing for the first time. It’s heaven. All my bad habits amaze her.”
But dopamine levels inevitably descend, hidden agendas emerge from hiding, power struggles ensue, and upon reflection, you admit that your partner’s charming eccentricities are actually kind of boring.
But the problem is not the differences themselves. It’s how you react to them and what they trigger in you –angerdespair, judgment, self-righteousness, moral superiority and fear for your relationship.
What is required, says Gottman The last thing that makes loveit’s about trying to understand and empathize with each other’s differences, not trying to forget or argue about them. Compatibility does not mean similarity, and irreconcilable differences need not be fatal to love.
But pick your battles. Find out which problems are solvable and which are not. Who takes out the trash is a problem to be solved. Not changing a slob into a neat freak.
So, moving on from the right/wrong debate – neither side is right or wrong; It’s just preference and personality – and start making deals that work for both of you. Maybe you clean up after the slob and the slob does the grocery shopping. Maybe you’re both ticketed for the housewife twice a month. If you prefer to do the dishes right after dinner and your partner prefers to wait until tomorrow, agree to use paper plates on nights when your partner is on dish duty.
And while the water is still, explore the pedigree of your positions: why each of you holds the positions you do, what your emotional logic is, what motivates your arguments and urgencies, and what threatens your position if it is questioned.
Empathy and perspective are more useful than problem solving that never solves the problem – “We’ve been through this a thousand times.” And sitting on the same side of the table and looking at the mutual problem is more effective, more offererrather than sitting on opposite sides of the table and seeing each other as problems.
In my early twenties, my twin brother and I got into an argument about….flossing habits. Seriously. I don’t remember what the fight was actually about, but later – and since then we’ve come up with a quick way to warn ourselves when we’re arguing about something deeper and older than the topic. “Floating!” One or the other of us will say something in the middle of a sudden argument, reminding us to step back and reframe the conversation to focus on what’s really going on—a hidden agenda, a deep-seated story about a problem, unresolved grief, or worry It is emerging in the present, but it has its roots in the past, even in other relationships altogether. “Couples don’t fight as much about some things,” says relationship psychologist Esther Perel, “but for some things like control, communication, or trust.” Find out what your partner is struggling with for.
Arguments about housework It can actually be about being overwhelmed, your time and contribution not being valued. An argument about your partner hard worker can be about trends loneliness and fear of losing touch. Getting angry at your partner’s sarcastic comments about you in front of your friends may be related to your need to feel respected and supported by your partner. Arguments over money may be the cause childhood shame around scarcity.
Research suggests this is positive stress is enlivening – meeting new people, speaking, learning a new skill – and the differences we face in such relationships help us growsvariety is the spice of life and everything. But it’s one thing to sincerely wish that someone will complement or challenge your internal habits and beliefs, and quite another to achieve it.
Relationships are important reading
For example, my partner extraversion and politeness is part of what drew me to it, but yikes. I did not consider how difficult it would be for my inner world an introvertmy communication threshold, my love of solitude, and how often I’m called to step outside my comfort zone in the name of togetherness. “There are two ways in which the gods deal harshly with us,” said Oscar Wilde. “The first is to deny us ourselves dreamsand the second is to give them.’
This difference in our tolerance for socialization is fraught with the possibility of the inevitability of conflict, but it is also rich with opportunities for growth and the enlivening challenge of moving into each other’s worlds, their needs and values without compromising our own. I began to enjoy socializing and building community more than I had before, and I became braver in standing up for myself. boundaries and limitations, and he enjoys idleness and solitude more than before.
The ability to tolerate the conflict between competing needs and values—to contain the paradox—also creates tremendous power. endurance to public cooperation and diplomacy. The ability to expand yourself enough to embrace opposing approaches to life combats the kind of tyranny that can creep into relationships—one side getting promoted at the expense of the other—allowing them to inform and teach each other, leaving elbow room for different perspectives and preferences, and not judging.
Psychologist Robert Johnson even considers this skill to be a kind of religious experience, which means re-ligare, to connect opposites and bring them back together. In his book he speaks of the ground between conflicting forces as a sacred place TransformationHe claims that this is where man grows. “The Paradox of Encounter to Revelation: It’s a Divine Development.”
Author PL Travers once wrote about holding paradox and managing differences: “We both walk in fire.” “A single flame embraces us both. Let us continue to burn together. Arms wide, we lean into each other, and a passing angel will pause for a moment to witness our embrace, standing awe-inspiring in the air.”
