A 35-year-old woman in my office last week (I’ll call her Nadine) said, “Stop overthinking” might be the dumbest phrase in the English language. She said her well-meaning boyfriend tried to make her feel better, but that didn’t stop the spiraling thoughts in her head. In this post, I think more about the many other counseling clients I’ve had over the years who tell well-meaning others that it’s easier to stop overthinking and manage the more comfortable emotions that lead to overthinking than the spiraling thought patterns they trigger.
When well-meaning advice misdiagnoses a problem
The majority self help articles say the same thing: pay attention to your thoughts, challenge them, and “just stop overthinking.” And every thoughtful person nods – at two in the morning when re-reading a text from six months ago. I have a newsletter for you. What if overthinking is more of an emotional problem than a cognitive problem? What if your mind doesn’t go into loops because it loves suffering, but instead you need to feel something in your body? Can overthinking occur when your emotions are directed into your mind instead of being processed directly? What I’m saying is that overthinking can come from your brain trying to process a feeling it’s not allowed to.
Overthinking is avoiding dressing up to solve problems
It seems effective, but research shows that the more we individualize the response, the more emphasized we will eventually. A loop of overthinking won’t solve the problem you’re facing. On the contrary, it keeps you from feeling raw, so you shouldn’t face it. Thinking worry not the same as moving through it. Take Yolanda, who spent three hours practicing a difficult conversation with her boss. However, he never admitted to himself that he was afraid of being fired.
The feeling that starts in the loop is usually small
Overthinkers usually think that their spiral means that something is deeply wrong. In fact, in my consulting practice, the original trigger is often simple. I’ve heard reports of minor rejections, flashbacks shameor a moment of temporary uncertainty. But because the feeling is never acknowledged, the brain keeps returning to the scene. In an uncertain world, he looks for a decision that comes not from a search for certainty, but only from the recognition of feelings. For example, David spent two days wondering why his friend did not write to him. In fact, what was happening was fueling his fleeting “I don’t care” feeling, which he didn’t allow himself to feel.
This pattern of preoccupation and inability to see underlying emotions is not unique to adults. In Freeing your child from overthinking, I discuss how children find themselves in the same circles. They tend to brood not only because they think too much, but because they lack the awareness and language to share their feelings. I help parents understand that the entry point is often the feelings underneath are more reliable than the thoughts above.
The way out of overthinking is through your body
Nothing can be more intuitive than realizing that you can’t think your way out of overthinking. Instead, you move out of it through your body. When the body is finally heard, the mind is calmed down. For example, Kim drove around for hours to meet her boyfriend’s parents. When he stopped, put his hand on his chest and said, “I’m nervous,” he felt the physical strain and the thought spiral went. He knew that his overthinking mind was intact. On the contrary, he was overworked in a job that did not belong to him.
