Who hasn’t at some point in their life wondered why it all happened?
What’s the point?
Why am I here?
What should I do?
Does anything really matter?
I’ve noticed that some people struggle with these questions more than others.
I also realized that there is something about growing up emotionally neglected that makes people more prone to this struggle.
“But what could it be?” As I have thought for years, you may be wondering.
Today I want to share my best answers to all these questions. I do not claim to know the meaning of life. But I can talk about what makes life meaningful.
2 things that make life meaningful
Most psychologists agree, I think, that two main factors make life meaningful, and both are supported by research:
- Your feelings: Your emotions guide, motivate, guide and inspire you. The most memorable moments in your life are the moments when you feel something. These moments of fear, sadness, surprise, amazement, joy, or disappointment reside within you. memory. When you feel like it feelingwhether it’s pleasant or unpleasant, you feel real. Feeling emotion is a way of feeling alive. Emotions tell you that what is happening is important. They carry with them the message that “this is important”.
- Your relationship: Study after study has shown that it’s your connections with others that anchor and motivate you. Who will help you when the going gets tough? Who is here to celebrate with you and comfort you? To take care of you and take care of you? Such connections make life worth living.
These two important life factors offer keys to the struggle for purpose and meaning that many emotionally neglected people experience. If your feelings were not validated enough as a child (childhood emotional neglect), you push away, question, or shut down your feelings. This leads to 3 distinct challenges in feeling that your life has meaning as an adult.
- You are in touch with your emotions: It undermines your search for meaning in 3 important ways: First, it makes you feel like you’re not fully alive on some level. Second, you don’t have enough emotions to inform you about the things that are important to you. Finally, emotions are a source of passion and direction, so a lack of these messages can leave you feeling lost and alone.
- Your relationship is too one-sided: Emotional neglect makes you more focused on caring for others. In your relationship, you give more than you can get. Your giving nature warms and moves you, but its one-sided nature can limit the depth of your relationships. And it just might not be enough.
- You feel unimportant: The message you weren’t told as a child: “Your feelings don’t matter.” But because your emotions are the most deeply personal part of who you are, all your child hears is, “You don’t matter.” As an adult, this message disrupts your sense of purpose and meaning in life. After all, if you don’t matter, what does your life matter?
Correction
What is the best fix for all of these? Bring your emotions back into your life.
I’ve seen time and time again how three deceptively simple steps can make a huge difference in how much your life matters to you.
- Try to feel: It may sound strange, but it actually works. Trying to make sense is starting to pay off. You will start to feel more yourself.
- Adjust your emotions: Perhaps you are constantly experiencing emotions, but you do not notice them. All you need to do is focus attention more about what you feel. Pause several times a day, focus inward, and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?”
- Feel the vocabulary: An important part of getting in touch with your feelings is putting words to them. You can find a complete list of emotion words online to help.
I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s very clear to me: the fuel of life is feeling. If we are not full as children, we must be full as adults. Otherwise, we find ourselves running on empty.
A version of this post will also appear on the page emotionalneglect.com
© Jonice Webb, PhD.
