My son has a mild illness stage fright. He once took a hip-hop class that culminated in a performance, and when it was time, he refused to go on stage. Years later, the same fear got in the way of his goal of becoming a student council member, which meant campaigning, speaking in front of his class, and being on stage again. My first step was to offer her an after-school theater program to help build trust. He immediately shot him down. I stood firmer: he would have friends there, it was mainly exposure therapythat would be fun (I said that last part twice for emphasis, and even I liked it). That’s when I caught myself and did something different. The instinct to push harder is human, and it usually backfires. Young resistance to therapy and coaching often arise for parents trying to support their children. Instead, it’s about what works best, and to be clear, it’s not about running a DBT-A treatment from your kitchen table. It’s about getting two ideas that clinicians use in your relationship with your teen before therapy is even on the table.
Why teenagers resist
Parents often see therapy as an option they want. Teenagers hear one more thing: the problem is with you, you need to fix it. This reaction is not submission for its own sake; Research on adolescent reactivity suggests that this is related to the developmental need for autonomy, especially when the decision feels forced rather than chosen (Van Petegem et al., 2015). The more cornered a teen feels, the deeper they go. The natural response of parents is escalation: good arguments, consequences, ultimatums. This reliably creates confrontation, and confrontations rarely end with the teen agreeing to something.
A different approach: affirmation and dialectics
Dialectical behavior therapy offers two ideas here that work well, even outside of the clinical setting.
Confirmation This means acknowledging that your teen’s feelings are valid without agreeing with their conclusion. You don’t have to think that therapy is actually useless; you just have to admit that it doesn’t make sense to them right now. So, when your teen says, “Therapy seems invasive,” try saying, “I understand why that feels uncomfortable.” Research on parent-adolescent communication links this kind of affirmative response with more emotional openness and less conflict, whereas invalid responses shut down children (Adrian et al., 2019). When the defensiveness is softened, it becomes easier to be curious: “What do you think therapy is really like?” “Are you worried someone will tell me what you said?”
Dialectical thinking means holding two truths at the same time: you can accept your teenager as they are today and still want something different for them. Parents often fall into an all-or-nothing mindset: either the teen agrees, or the parent gives up. The both/and position is more functional and less likely to cause the exact resistance you want to avoid.
Here are three things to try
- Confirm first. Before expressing your opinion, ask about the feeling: “The last time talking about therapy brought up strong feelings, are you still there?”
- Ask, don’t tell. Substitute the statements for the questions. “Need someone to talk to” means “If you had to choose, what would support look like?” Adolescents are more likely to infer for themselves when asked than told.
- Put it in order. Teenagers listen to their parents’ tone and body language more than their words. Adolescents whose parents have a calmer response to grief report feeling less distressed and having stronger relationships over time (Jones et al., 2014).
Often, something changes before your teen says yes to therapy. As you change the way you listen and respond, the emotional climate in the home will also change: perhaps a little less conflict and a little more trust. You don’t have to declare it. As theirs nervous system Once settled, teens are often able to actually consider what you’re offering rather than resisting it.
It also helps to suggest more than one path. For example, skills groups may feel less burdensome than “therapy” because they are structured as learning specific tools alongside peers with similar problems. Some parents find success by inviting their teen to “shop” for the right fit, sit in on an information session together, and then step back and let the teen ask questions. It’s not easy, but it can be done. This is also a dialectic.
