In the past few years, artificial intelligence (AI) has slowly become the third person in many of our personal relationships, and it’s not hard to see why.
Tools like ChatGPT, Gemini, and Claude can be surprisingly good at helping people get out of fights, apologize that hit all the right notes, make sense of confusing text messages, or even find the right words for a difficult conversation. Strong emotions can confuse even a straight person’s thoughts, and a neutral sounding board can help bridge the gap.
However, before you copy and paste this carefully crafted message into your text application, it’s worth asking yourself:
“What am I missing here?”
Every conflict starts with a story
When we are upset, hurt, or disappointed, our minds immediately start piecing together a story.
We think about what happened and repeat the conversations, maybe several times. However, when it comes to what the other person meant, we fill in the blanks with our best guesses. Before long, we have a very coherent story on our hands that explains why we feel the way we do.
Naturally, we are experiencing only one side of the real interaction. Also, your partner is building their own story.
Neither is completely fictional, but neither is complete because you both have filtered them through different sets of memories, assumptions, emotional reactions, and past experiences. Two people can easily come out of a relationship with two completely different perceptions of what actually happened.
AI doesn’t change this fact, because it can only work with what it’s given, and there’s no independent way to check if your partner is really dismissive of your concerns or overreacting. He can (and probably will) ask clarifying questions and offer alternative interpretations, but he still only has your version of events to work with.
Know the difference between accuracy and precision
One of the biggest attractions of AI-generated messages is their uncanny ability to make our thoughts much clearer than they are in our heads. But accuracy and precision are two different things.
Psychologists have long understood that people naturally seek evidence that supports existing beliefs and are less likely to provide it. attention to any information that may challenge them. It is called confirmation biasand it is a very simple part of human thinking. It helps us quickly make sense of the world at a glance, but it can make us more confident than we should be in interpretations that deserve a second look.
AI can inadvertently amplify this trust.
For example, take a request like, “Here’s what my partner did wrong. Help them explain why I’m upset.” You can almost polish, sympathetic answer this feels It’s like organizing your thoughts into a logical, coherent message. It’s self-affirming and can be great to write.
But a rigorous record doesn’t say much about whether the underlying assumptions are correct or even fair. A beautifully written misunderstanding is still a misunderstanding.
Ask better questions
The quality of the response of the AI assistant is primarily related to the quality of the prompt given by the user. So instead of asking you to support your existing argument, try asking them to help you expand on your point of view.
Here are some examples of questions that can lead to productive conversations:
- What assumptions am I making that could be wrong?
- Can you point out places in this post that might sound accusatory or defensive?
- What details might one think are missing?
- How can I express my feelings without blinding them to theirs?
- How would my partner describe a similar situation?
Note that the goal is not simply to build the strongest case. Now it’s about developing a better understanding of what actually happened.
It’s also one of the healthiest habits anyone in an intimate relationship can develop – to gain perspective. People who genuinely try to understand the other person’s experience generally manage conflicts more effectively than those who are primarily interested in proving their point.
AI can help support this process, but only if we offer it.
Don’t let AI replace your voice
Fully AI-generated messages can be heard balanced and equal emotionally intelligent. But they can also vote so balanced, they no longer look like the person sending them, and you don’t want to lose that authenticity.
The quirks, weak admissions, imperfect phrasing, and sometimes awkward sentences in human writing often convey true sincerity at the level of perfect prose. Without them, you run the risk of saying all the right words technically, while giving the recipient the impression that something is off.
Better to use AI as an editor, not a ghostwriter. Write your first draft. Then let an AI assistant help you simplify some of your confusing thoughts or tone down some harsher-than-necessary language. Finish by reading the message out loud to yourself.
Is it really what you say it is? Otherwise, your recipient may also feel this disconnect, especially if they know you well.
One last question before you hit submit
Soon, artificial intelligence will be a constant part of almost all modern communication. If so, we will eventually develop better instincts to decide when it is useful and when it defeats the purpose, as we do with e-mail and e-mail. social networks.
But at the same time, it is important to remember that every conflict involves perspectives that we cannot fully see from where we stand. So before you hit submit, ask:
“If someone else was sitting here watching me write this proposal, what would they think I’m missing?”
You don’t have to agree (or even like) the answer. But making room for the possibility that your perspective isn’t the only thing worth considering will help you improve your relationship, as well as have a healthier relationship overall.
