As the “middle child” of generations, it’s no surprise that Gen X has difficulty with relationships. Gen Xers’ formative years were marked by far-reaching political, social, cultural, and financial changes. They were brought up in the 1970s and 80s, a period of dramatic change gender equity (eg access to higher educationPill and sexual protection from persecution) and watched their parents experience multiple economic crises. In addition, their mothers entered the full-time workforce at an unprecedented rate, and their fathers faced a new reality: they could no longer reliably be sole breadwinners.
Parents of Gen X divorced the highest the country has ever seen; even if they didn’t, the fear So that they are always present. The proliferation of only one parent in the home at any one time and the lack of childcare ensured that a “hands-on” approach throughout life became the norm. childhood. Some say that Gen X is the least controlled generation to date, and for most members of this generation, finding their way around the world has been a very independent endeavor.
As adults, they entered a work culture that was resistant to changing the “full commitment” employment model, which depended on having a partner at home to do all the housework. At the same time, the professional world has adapted to rapid technological progress. The Internet and smartphones have made it possible to work from anywhere and give bosses 24/7 access to employees. Instead of making work more efficient (as promised), technology has reinforced the expectation of non-stop engagement. career moving forward or often keeping a job.
Together, this set of socio-cultural forces shaped the ideological development of this generation. At the same time, unbeknownst to Gen Xers, they have also made the Gen X relationship template obsolete and unsuitable for their future lives.
Gone are the old ways of relating, but where are the new ones?
Gen X have become unwitting pioneers of uncharted relationship territory. Women’s rights and the expansion of gender roles have led to such hope across generations marriage should be equal – an equal partnership in which income, housework and child rearing are shared. However, they found themselves living in a world where they were expected to provide more offspring than they did in all areas of life – work, relationships and family – while the support systems around them offered less. With almost zero models of what a true egalitarian marriage might look like in practice, Gen Xers found that they did not adapt well to the pressures they created.
Gen Xers are now in full swing middle life. It’s no wonder that life always feels the same to most people stressful and chaotic, given that they are smack in between care “Sandwich” (caring for children and aging parents at the same time) and financial stress, making pension nowhere to be seen.
Gen Xers didn’t internalize the set of cultural messages they grew up with—they carried those messages into their relationships, never saying the messages themselves were the problem.
It’s not you, it’s the culture
One of the first things that prompted me to start researching Gen X couples was the uncanny similarity in the way Gen X couples who had never met described their experiences, even down to the language they used. While none of them were 100 percent interchangeable, the Venn diagrams of their stories were remarkably similar. I realized that if they are going through the same things, then no one person or couple can be the sole source of the problem.
Gen X relationships and the people in them are not broken and never will be, but it was a model they inherited. Our culture and society have forced them to struggle. They were raised to believe that the world was theirs to take over. Gen X men just needed to make money and increase their power parenthood And Gen X women had to “do it all” to “have it all.” None of them were supposed to need anyone or anything, and no one taught them how to be full, equal partners. As a result, burned women and alone men, and relationships in dire need of creative redesign.
Knowing this can help Gen Xers move away from self-blame and partner-blame and stay in touch with the bigger picture.
In midlife, with everything Gen X is up against now, dealing with relationship issues—especially long-standing and/or intractable ones—can often seem like a mica without the time or energy. While I feel this deeply, I cannot ignore what I know to be true as a therapist: the quality of the relationship is the greatest predictor of their overall well-being for the rest of their lives.
This means that relationship issues need to be addressed, but for Gen X, it’s important that this is done in a way that suits their unique needs. This means breaking the relationship blueprint given to them and forging their own path. This can mean:
- Divorce
- Stay together
- Open marriage
- Focus on yourself
- Something else altogether
Relationships are important reading
There is no better or worse way for a Gen X couple. Most importantly, it is intentional and designed specifically to serve the people in the relationship, not the expectations of the culture around them. The good news for Gen X is that their rebellious spirit uniquely leads them to rework old relationship scripts for themselves and those who come after them.
