First of all, any advice on this matter should be accompanied by the warning sign that “performance is not guaranteed”. These tips can help, and they usually do, but there’s such an inevitable emotional intensity that comes with a relationship breakup that it’s impossible to properly manage.
The attachment close relationships hold us together like nothing else. And it is important to understand that your partner may feel as if the anchor of life has been pulled from him and the ship will never right again.
With that caveat, here are some tips that will increase your chances of success. Everything on this list applies to men and women, whether they’re gay, straight, or non-binary.
1. In most relationships, no one wants to be the bad guy who ends it. But you should resist the tendency to plan a divorce that makes your partner so unhappy that they finally want to break up with you—so that you don’t take responsibility for the decision. This behavior is cowardly and simply cruel.
2. Instead, be direct. Don’t let it fear or conflict avoidance leads you to say things like, “Maybe I’m too busy, we should take a break,” when what you really want to say is, “It’s not easy, but I’ve decided that this relationship isn’t good for me.” You have to trust that the other person is a big girl or a big boy and that they can handle the truth.
3. But be respectful, which means don’t be colder or meaner than you should be. You don’t have to list all of the other person’s personal flaws, even if that means being really “honest.” Such honesty is overrated. The only honesty you owe them is to know exactly where you stand and what they can expect from you.
4. Don’t use the George Costanza line from Seinfeld: “It’s not you, it’s me.” A lot of people have seen this episode and hearing it is going to be manipulative and offensive.
5. Everything you say or do should be driven by the belief that your partner can handle it in some way. Resist conflict avoidance: Conflict avoidance directly or indirectly means that you do not trust your partner’s ego strength. This is not respect.
6. Be clear about what you hope for after this breakup. If you’re really trying to be friends, tell them – but if it’s just a line and you don’t mean it, don’t fake it. It is disrespectful and you will regret it later.
7. If your ex becomes “sticky” after your breakup, be firm and respectful. The worst mistake you can make in these situations is to keep in touch more and more hoping to make your ex feel better. Often, it just feeds fantasy relationship will be restored. You may just need to tell your ex that you want him to stop calling or texting you because you don’t think it’s good for either of you. But don’t do it angerblame or put down. It is tough.
8. This is rarely true to pursue (aka “obsessive following behavior”), it’s time to pull out all the stops. Never answer. Get a restraining order. Tell your friends or your workplace that they do not allow him to access you or information about you. Call the police if necessary.
Through it all, remember the golden rule. And remember, this is someone you once loved, who might still really care, and who you don’t want to hurt any more than is absolutely necessary or inevitably comes with unwanted breakup territory. The Golden Rule will guide you in your life decision making about being clear, direct, respectful, caring and firm.
Relationships are important reading
And never forget: karma is a whip. So handle it with class and honesty.
