My parents are religious.
Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but they play a lot of cucumbers, it’s at least bordering on a cult. Ashley (my wife) and I have played against them many times and despite their arthritis, knee injuries, and one bad thumb, we have never gotten the better of them.
It’s really embarrassing and now you all agree with me shame. In our last game, after we came closer than we should have to win, my mom told me one of these cult cucumber stories. One of his colleagues had a bad game and beat himself up verbally about it. My mom looked at him and said, “Hey, don’t talk to my friend like that!” said.
As mothers often do, she taught me a pointless lesson. Often we carry this same negative internal dialogue to ourselves.
“I always leave.” “What’s the point? I’m going to fail again.” “I’m not disciplined enough for that.” “What is wrong with me?” “I’m lazy.”
For most of us, these are our habitual stories, our way of explaining past behavior. And this mode of explanation determines our future because our actions determine the trajectory.
So there is a line: we tell the story, the story drives our behavior, and our behavior drives the result. This means that if you want to change your outcome, you must change your behavior. And if you want to change your behavior, you have to change your story. Here are three things you can do.
Friendship test
Think about how little time you have, no matter how hard you try. How did that internal dialogue sound? Was it harsh and critical or supportive? We are often harder on ourselves than we are friends.
Recently coaching called, Dani described herself as “lazy”. When I asked why, he said, “I’m lazy because I can’t stick to anything.”
Think about it: when was the last time you called a friend lazy to their face? You probably can’t think of a single example. So the next time negative self-talk occurs, stop and ask yourself: Would I talk to my best friend like that? Beating yourself up is rarely effective.
Challenge your way of explaining
Your explanation style is the usual way you explain everyday failures to yourself. It has three dimensions.
First, internal and external. Is it because of you or because of the situation? Dani called herself lazy, which is an internal explanation, when the truth is that she worked two jobs and raised a single child, which is clearly an external one. Instead of saying, “I’m not good enough,” you can say, “I cut it short because it’s too hard.”
The second dimension is permanent and temporary. Do you see the cause as a fixed, immutable characteristic or something related to that day or situation? “I always quit” sees one bad stretch as a permanent feature of who you are. “That week got away from me” thinks it’s temporary, which is usually closer to the truth.
The third is global and specific. Does the failure mean to you that something is wrong, or is it specific to one area? Skipping exercise doesn’t mean you’re a failure at work, a bad parent, or a failure as a partner, but the global mindset still pulls it that way. Specific thinking keeps failure in place: “I missed my workout today,” “I can’t do anything.”
People who bounce back the fastest tend to explain failures as external, temporary, and specific. Stiff people tend to explain them as internal, permanent and global. The good news is that this is not a permanent trait, but a habit, which means it can be taught.
Cognitive diffusion
One of the most important things I’ve learned is that thoughts are not true or false. They are just thoughts. Cognitive coherence is the fact that until we begin to think about a thought, we cannot see past it or the things around it until we are united with it. Diffusion is the opposite: instead of accepting this thought as truth, you give yourself mental space.
Important readings that speak for themselves
So, the next time a negative thought pops up, don’t try to force it out. Just pay attention. Instead of saying, “I’m lazy,” try saying, “I feel like I’m lazy.”
This shift creates distance, like breathing, before reacting. The more you practice letting go of these thoughts, the more likely you are to catch them before they become embarrassing. Once you’ve gone this far, that thought can no longer control your behavior.
The Story You Tell is the Story You Live
My mother did not know that she was having a lesson cognitive behavior tools on that day; he just knew he didn’t deserve to talk to his friend like that. But he was right about more than pickleball. Most of us would never allow a friend to talk about himself the way we talk about ourselves.
Your failure story isn’t just a review; it guides your trajectory. Run the “I’m always quitting” story and you’ll act like a quitter all the time. Run “I missed a day, that’s all” and you’ll be back.
It can be difficult to win an argument with you the inner criticbut if you catch the story, challenge its truth, and show your friend the same compassion, you are more likely to win.
