“A Freudian a slip is when you say something but mean your mother.”
Many of us laughed at this statement. While some psychological theories have overstated the mother’s role in the child’s psychological struggles, current thinking is more balanced and views child rearing as a collaborative endeavor. In any case, the mother’s influence is far-reaching. There is no relationship like it. When my mother died, my sadness was unmatched. It was as if a part of me went with him – it was with me from the beginning and could never be separated from him. At the same time, part of it is his wisdom– stayed with me and continued.
My mother never studied psychology at university; Life was his professor. If he had chosen a school of psychology, I think it would have been positive psychology. His approach was based on values with a foundation of positivity.
Here are five values-based life lessons I learned from him optimismresponsibility, dedication, love, creativityplayfulness and peace.
Optimism
My mother went through a terrible situation break up at a time when divorce is shameful. She had a child, no job and had to move back in with her parents. His musical father was so upset that he stopped playing the banjo and never picked up the instrument again. If his story had ended there, Don McAdams would have called it a contamination story, but it didn’t. The next chapter in her life was about meeting my father in the most unexpected way and the joy that relationship brought to her life, turning the story of contamination into a story of redemption. Whenever I was depressed or upset, she would tell me this story: “You never know when something good is going to happen.”
Responsibility
My mother went through a difficult time depression after a divorce and thought his life was over, but he had a sister in his care that he loved very much. She wanted to die, but decided to live to raise her daughter, despite being a single working parent in a day that was almost unheard of.
You only need one reason to live. When I was training to be a psychologist, I had a supervisor who advised me to repeat the same words commit suicide patients. My mother was a living witness of this fact.
Devotion and love
Mom, no matter how tired she was, no matter how time bound she was, she didn’t make a cake out of the mix. Every cake she bakes is made from scratch with loving ingredients mixed with care. I tried a cake from the mixture once. A lot guilt. Never used cake mix since. What I learned is profound.
Whether your children are children or adults, have as few labels as possible. There are too many distractions, too many devices. AI. Videos. Audio books. Go the extra mile for your kids. They will remember it. My mom taught me that time spent doing something with the kids on a long road trip is precious and creates lasting memories.
Creativity
My mother never went to college. Many women of her generation did not have this opportunity. A woman growing up in a lower middle class family had very limited options. But he knew how to write. “Always write a good introduction and a good conclusion” – my mother repeated when I wrote an essay for school.
I have passed this sage advice on to my children as well as my graduate students at Northwestern University. Most of my students focus on the middle, whether it’s an essay or a PhD. I tell them to master the introduction and conclusion so they stand out.
Boring Papers bore professors and were quickly forgotten. The introduction draws the reader in, so they want to read more. The bottom line is what they remember.
Playfulness
Our dining table faced the window. My father and I often went to it during dinner. As we drove around, my mother looked out the window and said, “Look at that bird!” We would stop to rest a bit, explore the yard and rebuild. My mother never heard of John Gottman or Julie Schwartz Gottman or their scandal management technique, but he had mastered the technique of introduction a joke or distraction in tense moments. Conflicts were often avoided or at least mitigated. Distraction eases conflict. These words were not spoken, but lived.
Personal perspectives are important readings
A final thought
My mother used the example of Martin Selgman’s presentation at APA in 2000. If my mother had attended, she would have approached him and said, “Thank you, Dr. Seligman, for telling the world that values such as optimism, responsibility, dedication, love, creativity, playfulness, and peace instill positivity, instill hope, and diminish. worry.” The wisdom he gleaned from his life experience fits perfectly with the guidelines he discovered during his research. learned weakness. Is there really anything new under the sun?
