yes gas lighting this truth is a truly manipulative tactic with a buffet of lies, rejectionand misdirection to a fundamental distortion of truth. Also, dealing with gaslights is a real problem. If you don’t know what the gas lamps are doing, you may even begin to question your own thoughts, feelings, reality, and even sanity. So it’s important to recognize what gaslighters do as soon as possible and step on the gas to get away from them.
The term “gaslighting” comes from a 1944 film gas light, where the husband controlled the gas lights in his and his wife’s house to flicker. But when his wife asked about the flashing, he would deny that anything was happening. Over time, this, along with other deceptive tactics, helped convince his wife that she was crazy.
Society, of course, is not light on such gas lighting. Many people use something similar cheat to get what they want instead of more legitimate approaches, such as making money. Let’s take a look at the gaslighting episode I experienced and see the signs that prompted me to lighten up on what was happening soon.
Here is the story. Shortly after I created the initiative, several other people wanted to join and co-lead it. To be inclusive, I have co-authored them. However, they approached a funder without involving me and used the initiative as a selling point to secure funding. Because I wasn’t involved in the discussions, they decided what the money would be spent on, rather than allowing me to have an equal say. When I found out about this, I asked both of them why I was expelled and what was the decision. What happened next basically matched the following 10 signs of gaslighting.
1. Gaslighters do not take responsibility for their actions.
The problem could be solved quickly if they owned up to what they did and promised not to do it again. But instead they didn’t take that responsibility – one sign of gaslighting – even though the emails made it clear they would discuss it without me, which led to a second sign…
2. Gaslighters deny facts and reality.
Yes, it’s hard to reject email conversations because they’re in emails. However, when I asked about the emails and why I didn’t have them, they didn’t give a straight explanation. They used vague words and claimed that I was already aware of what was going on (when I wasn’t), which is the second sign of gaslighting – denial of facts and reality.
3. Gaslighters will bury your comments, questions, and requests.
My question to them was, “Why wasn’t I in those emails?” It called for a direct response such as “I’m sorry, it was our mistake and it won’t happen again.” Then came the third sign of gaslighting, an avalanche of multi-paragraph Odyssean responses that buried my original question. It made me question over and over why I wasn’t included.
4. Gasliners use misdirection by changing the subject.
I never got a clear answer. Instead I got something that looked like the 1999 movie Magnoliainvolves the introduction of a series of isolated storylines. This is the fourth sign of gaslighting – using the wrong direction to change the main topic of what was originally asked.
5. Gaslighters minimize your anxiety and emotions.
And in the process, they did the fifth sign of gaslighting—minimizing your worries and emotions instead of letting them hear you. Classic gaslighter responses to your concerns include, “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re too emotional,” “Don’t be more than that,” or even “You’re crazy.”
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6. Gaslighters blame you and play the victim.
This brings up the sixth sign of gaslighting: the big switch, where they somehow change the argument to make you feel responsible for their bad behavior and make themselves the victim. Allegedly, my questions were somehow delaying our initiative – the initiative I started – and they refused to answer directly.
7. Gaslighters direct their behavior at you.
Then one of them approached some select (but not all) members of the initiative and presented only his side of the story, noting that they were more inclusive by doing the cycle. Yes, you got that right: they claim to be more inclusive after I first worried about them not being inclusive. But this is the seventh tactic to burn gas: projectionaccusing you of doing specific things they are guilty of, putting you on the defensive.
8. Gaslighters try to isolate you.
Rather than the diversity of the members of the initiative, in recruiting their friends, they mainly tried the eighth sign of gaslighting: trying to isolate you in one way or another. My response was to engage all other members in the discussion.
9. Gaslighters try to discredit you.
All of the above leads to the ninth sign of gaslighting – an attempt to discredit you. This can happen in a variety of ways, from backroom conversations to spreading rumors.
10. Gaslighters try to make you walk on eggshells and second-guess yourself.
By that time, my initiative to encourage everyone to work in friendly, free cooperation became the opposite. I found myself having to think very carefully about each of my answers in an eggshell way, which is the 10th sign of gaslighting. Then the “light bulb” of the gas lamp clearly went off: why should I do gas lighting, instead of open, open, problem-solving with reliable partners, let’s help each other. That’s when I hit the gas and went faster than I had started. In fact, I haven’t regretted that decision since.
