Alexandra grew up in a house where there was constant fighting. His mother often gave him the silent treatment for days at a time, while his father alternated between explosive anger and emotional distance. As a child, Alexandra learned to be hypervigilant, always watching for signs that someone was upset with her.
Alexandra, now in her 30s, feels overwhelmed when her partner needs space after a fight. “As soon as they pull out, I panic“, she told me. “I start texting over and over or saying things I don’t want to say because I’m afraid they’ll leave me.” shame. “I hate being treated like this. I promised myself I would never be like my parents.”
“Why am I doing this?” he asked.
in a.d previous postI studied why survivors often find themselves repeating familiar relationship patterns. But what happens when we begin to recognize our unhealthy behaviors?
“I almost often hear” Why I keep get to know people who hurt me? I’ve also had clients ask, “Why did I do that?”, similar to what Alexandra asked in our last session.
Most of us grow up doing this never to be “Like our parents.” But when we are under stress or when triggered, we tend to revert to what we know. And if we’ve never learned what a healthy relationship looks like, we may not even recognize our own or our partner’s behavior as unhealthy.
These patterns often stay with us into adulthood, as victims, perpetrators, or both. Children raised in abusive households tend to normalize dysfunctional behaviors. These ways of relating are deeply ingrained and manifest in all areas of life, but especially in romantic partnerships. Because of this, many of my clients struggle to express their feelings and end up turning to passive-aggressive behavior or even directly aggression when feeling vulnerable – because they saw it as a role model childhood. Alexandra is not intentionally trying to control her partner. On the contrary, him nervous system He learned early that distance means danger and that conflict threatens communication. He panicked and reverted to the behaviors he developed as a form of survival.
How childhood trauma shapes adult behavior
We often repeat what we learn. But understand how trauma Behavioral patterns help break unhealthy cycles.
Although not all perpetrators of unhealthy behaviors experienced childhood maltreatment, and not all survivors of abusive homes continue to repeat these cycles, there is a strong and consistent correlation (Black et al., 2010; Hammett et al., 2020). Many of us who were abused as children unconsciously seek out partners who reflect that familiar dynamic or emotional turmoil. Likewise, many abusers use these same tactics of power and control, not knowing other ways to get their needs met.
This phenomenon is called repetitive forcing– reflects unconscious attempting to master unresolved past trauma (Guy-Evans, 2023; Levy, 1998). It’s not intentional. Most of us don’t approach a relationship thinking, “This person reminds me of my abusive parents—perfect.” Instead, we may be interested in something special charismaintensity, a jokeor even their emotional unavailability. Sometimes these traits remind us of the “good” versions of our caregivers—the ones we cling to for survival. “Why am I attracted to people who hurt me?” For all of us who ask, the answer often lies in what was once familiar and what the nervous system equates with communication.
I’ve had many clients ask me, “Why did I do that?” They asked. after hurting another person, guilt occupying the place where there was once anger or panic. While unhealthy or unhealthy behavior is never acceptable or condoned, I always commend anyone who has the self-awareness necessary to recognize unhealthy or unhealthy behavior. The first step in change, and honestly the hardest step, is to admit where we went wrong and where we need to improve. It is natural to want to do it yourself.rejection as a form of self-defense. So when we face it, it’s growth.
Why healing means looking at our unhealthy relationship patterns
When we grow up with abuse or dysfunction, we may already internalize shame and self-blame. So admitting mistakes can activate this internal shame and feel destructive. You are doing the right thing to change your behavior. Many of my clients struggle with expressing their feelings constructively or regulating their reactions during conflict. Before I had the language or the understanding to understand my behavior, I did it in my relationships. Now I know that these behaviors are based on survival patterns.
There is a lot of shame in admitting that we have acted in unhealthy ways. So if you are going to try to do this, please know that you are doing the right thing by acknowledging and wanting to change these behaviors. This shows tremendous growth.
This is why treatment is so important to break the cycle.
Partly taken from my book The Cycle Breaker’s Guide to a Healthy Relationship.
