After listening to dozens of my clients, their descriptions get to know life and how subsequent relationships actually unfolded, I realized something interesting: my clients’ first impressions of the people they met were often the most obvious after they had been romantic and sexual on the first date.
Let me give you an example to understand what I mean. Carol’s condition was typical.
Carol and her dating journal
Carol is an attractive widow in her 50s therapy with the goal of finding a new partner who is more suitable for her than her deceased spouse. She said she knew she needed therapy because she always ended up with incredibly selfish men.
I knew my late husband had issues from the start. There were some red flags. But I was so tired of being alone and I told myself he was a good person and we could make it work. The truth is, we were a bad match and should never have gotten married.
My Hypothesis
I believed that Carol was setting the bar too low for good behavior and that her dates ignored important early evidence that she was too self-absorbed to be a good partner.
Carol’s homework was to write a page of her first impressions of how a man treated her on their first date. Then, in the next session, we went over together the positives and negatives that she observed in trying to build a relationship with this person.
One of the problems we encountered was that no matter what red flags Carol noticed, she often found a way to interpret even the most obviously selfish behavior as a good thing. This led to her actually dating some men, she realized she was repeating the same mistakes. Her relationship with Dan was normal.
Dan and Chinese food
Carol met Dan through a dating app. He invited her to a fancy restaurant for dinner and spoke glowingly about the menu. He spent a lot of time and money preparing to go to a special place. She tamed her hair and nails and bought new clothes.
But when Dan showed up at her door, he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt and carrying Chinese food in one hand. His first reaction was shock and disappointment. He was looking forward to their evening performance.
However, instead of telling Dan anything about the change, she ignored her true attitude and reacted positively to the situation, telling him: You must be a mind reader. I love Chinese food. Enter.
Carol was his worst enemy. Instead of complaining to Dan about the change of plans, he complimented him.
But he did his homework and wrote down his first impressions and then how the meeting went. Dan took advantage of her being at her apartment and encouraged her to have sex, and she didn’t offer to help him clean up after dinner.
In session
I had Carol read her notes out loud and tell me what she saw attention for any inconsistencies:
- Did his date do what he said it would?
- Did he explain anything about why he changed the plan without checking first?
- What she said and did on the date was true to her first impression?
- Did he betray himself by telling her nothing about his true feelings about how he treated her?
Carol realized that she felt she had no choice but to agree, even though she was given goalsit did him no good.
Surprisingly, Danning decided to continue dating uu despite his openly selfish and strange behavior. It ended badly like all his other relationships.
A change was necessary
If Carol wanted a different kind of man, she would have to be willing to reject men who treated her badly. So we’ve added as a new part of her dating assignment: If you don’t like how you’re being treated, speak up, but politely. I also reminded him of the most reasonable and effective course of action based on his goals: If you don’t like how he treats you on the first date, you shouldn’t continue dating him. Your first impression may be more honest and helpful than your later rationalizations.
Relationships are important reading
Instructions
If you are unhappy with the people you are dating and are tired of doing it wrong, you might benefit from trying my method. Carol married the man she liked on their first date.
Sure, you can miss out on the perfect gem without giving anyone a second chance to hurt you, but for many people, that’s the lesser of two evils.
This is not the method gender special It’s basically the same process if you’re male, female, other, straight, gay, or mixed.
- Start a dating journal.
- After your first date, write a page about how you really feel about your date’s behavior.
- Notice the discrepancies between what you proposed and what actually happened.
- Pay attention to your true feelings. If you are shocked, disappointed and uncomfortable, this person is not for you. It doesn’t matter why.
- If you’re not sure what a good relationship can look like on a first date, I suggest you get excited and feel comfortable.
Red flags
- You don’t feel comfortable or interested in your date.
- Your date doesn’t want to know more about you. The person will not ask any questions about your job, your background or your hobbies.
- Your date will only talk about themselves and shut you down when you bring up other things.
- Date ignores preferences. For example, he knows you are a vegetarian and he takes you to a steakhouse.
- Your date will force you to be more sexual than you want to be or do sexual acts that you don’t like.
Summary
It’s tempting to want to give people a second chance, even if your first date was really bad. You may hate being alone and despair of a permanent partner. You may have received a lot of dating advice that suggests you’re still single because your standards are so high.
However, the opposite may also be the case. You may need to raise your standards. A good way to determine the truth is to record your reactions immediately after your first meeting. Look at what you write for red flags that indicate you’re going down the old, familiar dating path. And remember: A bad first date rarely leads to a good long-term mate.
