How many times have you avoided a topic that made you feel uncomfortable, hidden a point of tension, diverted the conversation safely away from the conflict? While these techniques can be useful for maintaining relationships with casual acquaintances, when used with those we are close to, they create and perpetuate distance. The question then becomes: How do I approach an uncomfortable topic with my partner or child or close friend? How can I start a difficult conversation with someone I love?
Often the thought of bringing up a difficult topic with the person we care about makes us anxious. We worry that we will create additional tension – either by causing our loved one unnecessary bitterness or by hurting ourselves and withdrawing even more. We may worry that we are doing more harm than good—by making our loved one angry at us, or by being overly angry with ourselves. No matter how troubling the scenario we imagine, it often seems safer to “stay alone,” “not rock the boat,” in other words, settle for a relationship that isn’t as trusting or intimate. This solution is not secure at all. Avoiding communication about issues that are important to you not only takes a lot of energy, but ultimately reduces what was once a close relationship to one that you need to be careful about and can’t be open or honest about.
Here are 3 practical ways to approach a difficult topic that can disarm both you and your loved one and leave you vulnerable to each other, so the exchange can leave you feeling closer than ever.
- Here’s how I feel about you and why cleaning the air is important to me.
First, you need to create a safe environment where both people can freely talk about themselves and their feelings. It requires being in touch with your caring and loving feelings for the other person; It won’t work if you’re hotheaded or judgmental. Anger breeds anger.
To that end, it’s important to express your love for the other person and make sure that you care about them even though you may not like what they do or behave. You can start by saying, “I love you and I care about you, and that will never change. You are important to me, and so I need to tell you what’s bothering me so that we can be close.” Your confession not only convinces your partner, but also connects you with feelings of love. Maintaining such a balanced view of your relationship will allow you to avoid getting lost in angry emotions, which will help create an atmosphere of openness rather than defensiveness.
- Here’s what I know about what bothers me and what I think about myself.
Take time to focus on yourself. What is your goal in the conversation? Do you want to prove yourself right or apologize? If so, the conversation will leave you feeling as emotionally alienated as before. If your goal is to become closer, to remove this barrier between you, the conversation can become a partnership in which you both work together to achieve this goal.
It is useful to be aware of the parts that may be oversensitive and overreactive. You can take inventory and be honest with yourself about your emotional sensitivities and triggers. For example, if you approach your spouse about an equal division of household chores, but are overly particular about how they are done, this is something to keep in mind. If you’re talking to your teen about their “irresponsible” friends, but you know that much of your anxiety may stem from your own wild teenage years, it’s a good idea to take this into consideration. If you’re talking to a close friend about what you think is an annoying tone, but you know you’re particularly reactive to tones, this is good information to consider.
In Secure Communication: Stay Safe in an Untrustworthy WorldPartners and co-authors Sue Marriott and Ann Kelley provide science-based, practical information on how to restore our ability to participate authentically and joyfully in our most personal relationships and in the larger world. Here is an excerpt from them article“Advice from Married Psychotherapists for Coping with Insecurities” in Magazine Next is the Big Ideas Club:
“…However, we can’t be optimistic and caring all the time. We have to learn how to create it in ourselves and in others. It’s hard because you can’t change what you can’t see. It’s not easy to figure out how to recognize when you’re acting from a reactive, defensive place, or a safer place.
Imagine you’re having an argument with your partner or your teen, and they suddenly get a hold of themselves and they: Oh, I hear how I got on. I must be more upset than I thought. Such a moment of self-awareness is heaven. It also works because it takes the wind out of the sails of mounting tension. All it takes is one move towards a safe relationship to calm things down.
The more you reveal about yourself, the more the other person will trust you and relax. They can feel you, and in return, they will be more open about themselves.
- What do you think about it?
Finally, it’s important to maintain an attitude of genuine interest and curiosity—you don’t assume you know the other person’s motivations or feelings, but rather genuinely ask and then listen to how they see the situation, how they feel about it, and what they mean.
In their book, How to feel loveDoctor. Sonya Lyubomirsky and Harry Reiss combine decades of research into happiness and intimacy to offer 5 ideas that, when adopted, will lead to more intimate and fulfilling relationships.
In one year article in an online magazine called “Five Ways to Feel More Loved.” The Greater Good: Science-Based Insights for a Meaningful LifeDr. Reiss explains the Listening-Learning concept:
“When we listen to another person, we often prepare a response. It takes you away from the other person. It doesn’t allow you to connect with them. Learning to listen is the idea that in order to really learn something about the other person, you have to really pay attention. You have to be interested in what they’re saying. And then – and this is what you need to motivate you deeper. A simple three-word phrase: ‘Tell me more.’
Incorporating these three elements into your approach will allow the other person to feel cared for instead of attacked. It creates curiosity instead of defensiveness. If your tone conveys a desire for intimacy and connection, the conversation can leave you both vulnerable and open to each other.
Choose a suitable time and place to discuss the topic, leaving room for the fullness of the conversation, which can be a time to communicate with each other after many topics come to mind for each of you, such as related concerns or insights, or after the tension has been resolved.
It can be scary to talk to your loved ones about topics that bother you, such as what to avoid. But learning to manage the difficult things that inevitably arise in a relationship is a necessary part of getting to know your partner and yourself more deeply, which will allow your daily interactions to be easier, warmer, and generally more personal.
