Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail: What Research Tells Us

I have mixed feelings about New Year’s resolutions. On the one hand, I’m all for setting goals and going after what you want in life. On the other hand, I see a problem with the way many people view and treat themselves when making changes. Many of us make decisions based on a critical and distorted view of ourselves, but even when we set realistic goals about meaningful things we want to change, we tend to beat ourselves up when we fail or make mistakes.

The problem with this attitude toward ourselves is not only that it’s painful to experience, but that it interferes with our ability to make and sustain the changes we want. So how can we adopt a new strategy to help us achieve our goals for this new year? Here are some effective, science-based tips to guide us on the path to personal growth.

1. Assess your readiness

Dr. John Norcrosspsychologist and author Transformation: 5 Steps to Self-Realization Objectives and Resolutionssays there are five stages we can relate to in making changes and our actions should reflect the stage we are at. Jump in too soon and we may be setting ourselves up for failure. Norcross has drawn conclusions from 30 years of intensive research on what makes a difference. The five stages he describes are premeditation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance.

In think ahead At this stage, we may feel the pressure to change, but the things we want to change may not be completely clear to us yet, and we may even resist changing our behavior. Norcross says that people who are preconceived probably shouldn’t try to act just yet.

If we are thinkingwe may be starting to consciously consider the changes we want to make, but we feel very uncertain. We may lack confidence or trust. This is a good time to weigh the pros and cons of the change, Norcross says. We can start taking small steps by preparing early or “tooling up” as we need it down the road.

If we are preparationwe are almost ready to move. We’re setting goals to raise our energy levels, making time for the actions we need to take, gathering a support system, setting dates and goals, and talking to others about our intentions.

Just like you heard movement stage is the time to start the actions we plan to change. Once we get going, we can move on technical service. Although many consider this to be the most difficult stage of change, because we are attuned and sensitive to the first four steps, we feel much stronger and more resilient in this fifth and final step.

Identifying a stage of readiness helps us break the cycle of one step forward, two steps back, which often demoralizes us about our goals. The Norcross website even offers to help with this evaluations to determine if we are ready to change.

2. Embrace your critical inner voice

One of the reasons it’s so hard to stick with any step we take toward our goals is that we all have an inner critic that drives a wedge between where we are and where we want to be. Like a cruel coach, this voice in our head discourages us, belittles us, and when we try to change, it only gets louder.

For example, if our goal is to get fitter by exercising more, our critical inner voice may feed us thoughts that at first seem friendly, such as:

• Get some more sleep. You can’t run today. You need rest.
• Isn’t it better to go straight home than to go to the gym? It’s been a tough day.
• You did a good job yesterday. Take it easy and start again tomorrow.

The problem is, once we take his advice, our inner critic’s tone quickly changes:

• You are very lazy. I told you you would fail at this.
• You never follow through on anything. You look terrible. Just give up.
• Did you think you were doing well? You are deceiving yourself!

If we want to have the power to change ourselves, we must fight against this inner enemy. Here are some steps to help you confront our critical inner voice.

1. Identify: Begin to notice “voices” entering your thinking process. Often, before we feel bad or depressed, there is a little voice in our brain that sends us a message. This voice can be brutal and outright attacking: “Ugh, you’re talking like an idiot. Shut up.” It can be subtle or defensive: “Are you going to ask your boss for that meeting? You might embarrass yourself.” It may even sound like a self-soothing, “Have another drink. You deserve to feel better.” Each of these voices leads us down a path of self-limiting or self-defeating actions that interfere with our true goals.
2. Write them down: As an exercise, write your critical inner voices as “you” phrases in the second person. (i.e. “Youvery stupid It is not possible you can do that.” rather than “I I’m so stupid. It is not possible I It helps to separate our inner critic from our true perspective. Try to notice your “voices” each time they occur and practice recording them on your phone, computer, or notepad.
3. Answer: Next to each “critical inner voice” you listed, write a compassionate and more realistic response. Think about what you would say to a friend who said the same thing about themselves. This time, write it as “I” in the first person. (i.e. “I’m not stupid. I’m working hard to learn new things and achieve goals. It may take me a while to understand some things, but I’m resilient and fully capable of it.”) The purpose of this exercise is not self-improvement, but self-compassion and belief in our true capabilities.

When we first make a change, we should expect our critical inner voice to be louder. This is part of why it’s harder to maintain a change than it is to make it in the first place. Yet one of the most powerful tools we keep in our toolbox is our constant resistance to our critical inner voice.

3. Practice self-compassion

We all want healthy self-esteem, but having more self-esteem is a better goal. Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on evaluating ourselves or comparing ourselves to others. In her extensive research on this topic, Dr. Christine Neff has found that self-compassion can help us make the changes that matter to us. It is associated with “greater emotional resilience, clearer self-awareness, more caring relational behaviors, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.” Also like Neff concluded based on their studies:

People with self-compassion are more intrinsically motivated in life—they work hard not to impress themselves or others, but because they want to learn and grow. People with self-compassion can take responsibility for their past mistakes while acknowledging them with greater emotional composure. Research shows that self-compassion can help people engage in healthy behaviors, such as sticking to weight loss goals, exercising, quitting smoking, and seeking medical care when needed.

So what does it mean to have more self-compassion? First, we need to be kind to ourselves rather than judgmental. It means developing a gentle, compassionate attitude toward ourselves and what we experience, rather than judging and criticizing. In other words, we treat ourselves as we treat a friend. When we do this, we cling to more things and push ourselves harder.

The next element of self-compassion is mindfulness, as opposed to over-identification. It means allowing our negative thoughts and feelings to come and go without attaching ourselves too tightly or judging ourselves too harshly. We can become preoccupied with our thoughts and reactions, not allowing them to sweep us away and overwhelm us. This practice is especially helpful when we are making a change, because struggling with an old sense of identity can trigger our critical inner voices or stir up deep feelings from the past. If we approach anything that arises within us with care, we can be like a mountain in a storm and let it pass without going out of our way.

The final element of self-compassion is accepting our shared humanity as opposed to feeling alone and different. This attitude involves seeing ourselves and our struggles as part of the common human experience. Everyone experiences pain and hardship. We are not alone. We can depend on others and extend ourselves to them. We can let go of self-loathing or victimization, as well as expectations of grandeur, because we are worthy human beings just like any other worthy human being. Embracing this belief can relieve us of unrealistic pressures as we continue on our path, strengthened by the knowledge that the challenges we face are part of being human.

What we can take away from the research is that making a change involves some preparation, but once we get down to the nitty-gritty, what we really need is a strong combination of self-compassion and determination. We need to be strong and resilient when it comes to confronting our critical inner voice, but also gentle and kind when it comes to how we treat ourselves and any setbacks we face. So whether or not we set a New Year’s resolution this year, whatever that resolution is and whatever stage we’re at with it, we can all benefit from confronting our inner critic and practicing more self-compassion.

This post was originally published on December 31, 2018 and has been updated to include new insights.