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Masochism refers to the enjoyment of physical pain. We often hear about masochism in context deviant sexual behavior. A sexual masochist is someone who has sex because of pain. There is also a term for someone who likes non-physical, non-sexual pain – a psychological masochist.
Psychological/mental/emotional masochism is when a person derives pleasure, satisfaction, or pleasure from psychological or emotional pain. Like the broader concept of masochism, this is a curious phenomenon because people seek pleasure and avoid pain. So what motivates someone to enjoy psychological pain?
Psychological and sexual masochism
| Aspect | Psychological masochism | Sexual masochism |
|---|---|---|
| Motivation | Satisfying psychological or emotional needs. | Sexual arousal or pleasure. |
| Context | It can occur in non-sexual relationships, at work or in everyday life. | Usually limited to sexual fantasies, behaviors, or role playing. |
| Warning | Often unconscious; the person may not realize that they are seeking emotional pain. | Often conscious; a person engages in intentional behavior for arousal. |
| Expression | It involves choosing partners who mistreat them or undermine their success. | Includes BDSM activities such as bondage. |
| Psychological roots | Emotional deprivation in childhood is associated with guilt or low self-esteem. | Probably comes from sexual conditioning and sexual exploration. |
| Reinforcement | It reinforces a negative self-image or sense of victimhood. | Enhances sexual satisfaction and arousal patterns. |
| Clinical classification | Not an official diagnosis; may be related to personality or relationship patterns. | If it causes distress or disturbances, it is classified as sexual masochism disorder. |
The origin of psychological masochism
1. Feel-good chemicals
When you exercise, your body is stressed and you feel physical pain. To cope, your brain also releases feel-good neurotransmitters like dopamine and endorphins. These belong to the body natural pain relievers. The same thing happens with the mind. When you experience mental stress, you feel psychological or emotional pain. To the brain, it’s the same as physical pain, so it releases feel-good chemicals again to help you cope.
Over time, you may repeat behaviors that cause emotional pain because you will find that they eventually feel better.
2. Childhood trauma
Humans have an innate drive for masochistic submission – the desire to submit to a dominant aggressor. But why does it exist?
If you look at a dominance and submission interaction (fight) between two animals of the same species, you will notice that at some point the weaker one gives the submission signals and the fight ends. One of these signals is to expose the weakest part of the body – the neck to the attacker. When this happens, the aggressor loses motivation to attack and the submissive animal is no longer harmed.
In humans, the same thing can happen in parent-child relationships, especially the mother-child dynamic. The child is weak, helpless and dependent on the mother (weak). The child expects endless love and support from the mother. Getting all these will help the child develop psychologically. Things get interesting when it’s a mother ignores or abuses the child.
Effects of abuse
Here, neglect or abuse can be seen as an act of aggression or dominance. The child cannot resist and therefore must respond obediently. The child behaves submissively and non-assertively in order to maintain and survive the parent-child relationship. Instead of attacking the mother, the child turns this aggression inside and becomes a masochist.
A child’s ego or self-image cannot develop healthily. They either don’t think much or they think very little of themselves. Criticism and insults from parents become their negative self-talk. They may have ensured their survival with their masochistic, submissive attitude, but they are psychologically damaged.
They grow up feeling unworthy of love and happiness. Their self-punishment can manifest as perfectionism. They tend to look for situations that confirm their negative, limiting beliefs. Typically, you will observe the following characteristics in them:
- Low self-esteem
- People like it
- Self-punishment (from unconscious guilt)
- Self-sabotage
I posted a story on Instagram asking if anyone voluntarily seeks out emotional pain and why. Here is one answer:
3. Power recovery
People need power. When they lose power, they try to get it back. A person who has experienced childhood trauma feels powerless because they had no control over what happened. Then their mind does all kinds of things to gain power.
One of these things is called trauma re-enforcement or repetition compulsion. That is, they try to recreate or recreate their traumatic experiences. They try to recreate the emotionally painful experiences they have had over and over again. Why?
Before, they couldn’t control the pain, but now they do. Now they can recreate those experiences in a more controlled and safer environment. This helps them process and heal the injury. It can even be a pleasant experience for the mind.
As one mental health forum user put it:
“At least this time it’s not as bad as before. I’m in control.”
Another way traumatized people try to regain power is by blaming their abuser. Through psychological masochism, they project the unconscious guilt they feel towards the aggressor. It can also be a way to get attention, love, and care from an abusive caregiver.
“Look, I’ll always suffer. You did this to me. You’re the bad one, not me. Love me and take care of me.”
4. Moral masochism
Some psychological masochists participate in this competition to become “the world’s greatest sufferer”. They believe that no one has suffered as much as they have. Portraying yourself as a victim means that you have been bullied. Therefore, you must be morally superior to the person who wronged you. Ego boost:
“You’re the bad one, not me.”
Only a person with a weak ego seeks to strengthen himself. Therefore, masochism is related to narcissism. In particular, there is considerable overlap with psychological masochism hidden or weak narcissism.
5. Existential affirmation
Some people feel the thrill of the fight-or-flight stress response. They love all the misery and drama. It makes them feel alive. The feeling of pain confirms your existence. Here’s what one person on LinkedIn had to say when I asked the same question I asked on IG:
As a song Pain by three days Grace says:
“I’d rather feel the pain than anything.”
6. Society
Society normalizes pain, conflict, and struggle.
“That’s what it is.”
If you don’t like your job, you’ll get a message that you have to get on with it and put up with it. If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you’ll get the message that you need to do everything you can to save it. Even if you know it’s not worth saving. I’m not saying that life doesn’t involve pain and suffering, but you need to know what is worth suffering and what isn’t.
