In a Feb. 1, 2026, New York Times article titled “My Patient Is Dying. His Wife Refuses to Accept It,” Daniela J. Lamas, a pulmonary and critical care physician, explained why many inpatient physicians and nurses called family members of hospitalized patients “difficult.” He wrote:
“Difficult families ask accusatory questions and are not satisfied with our answers. They demand updates at a frequency that we find excessive, they question nurses, they make choices that we find inappropriate… They are considered unreasonable.”
Family members being “unreasonable” is, of course, a matter of perspective. Asking lots of questions and vocally advocating for family members of hospitalized patients, especially acutely ill ICU patients, is the only way to help them during a serious medical emergency. Doctors need to understand that, those family members say. It’s no surprise, then, that Lamas’ article sparked angry letters to the editor from readers.
- “A doctor may be troubled,” said one, “but he must go home to his relatives, let him be troubled.”
- “Families are sometimes unable to make decisions because they are dealing with so many emotional factors,” said another. “Yet … doctors expect them.”
- “Difficult family members can sometimes be right in their demands,” said a third.
Their strong feelings did not surprise us. In 30 years we have provided psychotherapy We’ve heard many of them complain about their interactions with emergency physicians, who are uncomfortable talking about their hospitalized parents and spouses. Experts say doctors sometimes use confusing and awkward technical language when offering medical explanations. They argue that doctors can become indifferent, impatient, and even judgmental as they wait for family members to make important treatment decisions on their loved one’s behalf.
As a family care giver for your relative in the hospital, there is little you can do to change how the hospital doctors communicate or behave. You can only try to take steps to improve your encounters with them. Here are some general principles for better relationships:
- Ask about regular communication: To get frequent updates on your hospitalized relative, ask your doctor or medical team which team member will see you regularly and when. Do you need to be in a hospital room every time a doctor visits, going from room to room to visit his patients, including your loved one? Or will a nurse or social worker from the team call you on a specific day and time? The more specific information you can get from hospital staff about the team’s preferred methods of communication with family members, the less uncertainty there will be about when you will receive the information.
- Select a point a man for the family: Hospital teams prefer to share information and answer their questions with one representative of the family rather than dozens. Identify one person in the family who has a medical power of attorney or a close relative who can talk to medical professionals and then share this information with the rest of the family.
- Paraphrase information: Doctors and nurses can walk in and out of your relative’s hospital room, sharing their impressions and treatment ideas with you very quickly. Repeat what you heard before they walk out the door to make sure you heard and understood what they said. For example, you can say something like this: “I understand that you are recommending an additional MRI study to confirm the diagnosis. Did I hear you correctly?” This allows the doctor to refine and possibly expand the plans they are considering. It also shows that you are very interested in knowing all the details of the medical plan and expect clear explanations from them.
- If one family member asks a question, the other should take notes: Hospitalization can be overwhelming stressful for everyone in the family. Emotions can run high when a patient’s life is at stake. Many people do not process new information very well when they are stressed and emotional. Therefore, when family members meet with the doctor, it is a good idea to assign a family member the task of taking notes to write down more of what was said than you remember.
- Slow things down: Doctors, nurses, and social workers work quickly to assess patients, develop appropriate treatment and discharge plans. Family members often cannot keep up with this pace and are then pressured by the hospital team to make decisions they are not ready for. Make it clear to them that you need more time to understand the implications of any decisions and to discuss them with other members. Team members may not be happy with you, but you will act more cautiously with more judgment.
- Avoid hostility: Because they are anxious family members may be nervous about the health of a hospitalized relative or may not communicate with hospital staff. Unfortunately, this does not lead to more responsive employees; Instead, they may think you’re “difficult” and then keep you at arm’s length. If possible, reduce the temperature. Then calmly tell the hospital team about your concerns. Let doctors, nurses, and social workers know that you respect the vital work they do and want to help, not get in the way. Then they will be more likely to see you as an ally in the care of the patient and their loved ones.
