Radical curiosity is a superpower. Over the years, many people in various fields have described the benefits of this approach. In 2017, Bill Nye (The Science Guy) introduced it as a way to empower people to stop climate change and help build a better future. He recommended developing curiosity throughout life to identify and effectively solve problems.
In 2022, designer and entrepreneur Seth Goldenberg argued that only by cultivating and reinventing curiosity “can we hope to transform our organizations, our politics, and our lives.” This year, in their book How to Feel Loved: Five Mindsets That Will Tell You More About What Matters Mostpsychologists Sonya Lyubomirsky and Harry Reiss identified radical curiosity as one of these five valuable mindsets.
Radical curiosity allows for a kinder, more open, and more interesting exchange between us and other people. For example, it helps to break even with the most stubborn teenager: “This school is bad!” … “How do you mean?” These four words, repeated in different forms during such a conversation, can give us a wide window into the emotional world of a teenager.
Radical curiosity can facilitate other difficult conversations with our partners: “When we were talking about our budget, I was bothered by your tone. I don’t like disagreements, so I want to understand what you mean when you say that.” This is a non-attacking approach to a difficult issue, allowing the partner to explore the topic without becoming defensive.
Radical curiosity can stimulate productive business conversations: “I disagree with your assessment.” … “Tell me more, how you do you see the problem?” This allows for a broader discussion and leads to greater opportunities.
I thought that in addition to harnessing this superpower to improve our interpersonal world, we could also use it to improve our relationships with ourselves. What if we get closer? ourselves with radical interest? What if we were truly open-minded about our choices, reactions, and desires? What if we could achieve a more objective, non-judgmental view of ourselves? The challenge is to experience our lives without the usual expectations, assumptions and comparisons; and how to overcome obstacles to maintaining that mindset. This action requires the following:
Be aware of that critical inner voice
Our self-attacking views stem from our deeply internalized self-criticism. In a sense, our sense of self is divided between this “anti-me” and our true “me.” Our true “I” is formed on the basis of educational experiences, in which we identify with the positive qualities of our early caregivers, their caring attitude and behavior, while the anti-I comes from the opposite – from the painful experiences we have witnessed or experienced – critical, shameful or hurtful that we ourselves contain. These internalized critical inner voices have helped shape our identity, an identity that is false because it does not reflect who we are, which is who we would be without these attacks.
We can identify our critical inner voice in certain ways of thinking. For example, it creates assumptions (“You’ve always been shy. You don’t do well in interviews”), raises expectations (“You should be making more money at this point in your life”), and reinforces comparisons (“Everybody’s in a relationship. They’re settled. What about you?”).
When we recognize this enemy within us, we can adopt a compassionate, realistic view of ourselves and separate ourselves from its negative thoughts and negative attitudes toward us. At first, this can lead to increased anxiety and self-attacks, but as we become more open and curious about ourselves, they subside.
Embrace self-compassion
Christine Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, found out Three components of self-compassion: mindfulness, self-love, and common humanity. Mindfulness allows us to “be” with our thoughts and feelings. Self-kindness helps us treat ourselves with care and understanding rather than harsh judgment. Common humanity teaches us that suffering and mistakes are part of being human and makes us worthy of compassion.
Self-compassion allows us to experience the events that shaped our sense of identity and recognize our true selves, separate from the harmful influences of our past. Practicing self-compassion leads to a kinder and fairer experience of ourselves.
Look for clues in your emotional reactions
Being fundamentally curious about ourselves involves looking for clues and finding out what they mean about us. The most important clues are our emotional reactions. This is especially true of our big emotions: What makes us particularly angry, sad, or angry? Rather than judging these as negative and trying to avoid them, we can be curious: “Why are these feelings so strong? What are my thoughts on this? Does some of this feel old and familiar?” Being curious about what is happening in the moment, about our physical and emotional reactions in a given situation, leads to a more complete self-awareness.
The same goes for positive emotions. If something excites us, it informs us about what it means to us. An important part of being curious about ourselves is: What attracts me? What lights me up? And so who am I?
Radical curiosity is a superpower. Adopting this approach allows for greater kindness and clarity by suspending our habitual ways of seeing and defining ourselves. We understand more about the depth and breadth of our lives—our fears and passions, our quirks and strengths, what we value and who we value. All the ways of being and feeling that make us unique in this world.
