You don’t like him very muchbest seller self help 2004 book, explained directly to women get to know a scene where they shouldn’t pursue men who have lied, cheated, or run away from them. These people weren’t intentionally sending mixed signals. They just weren’t interested.
It sounds obvious. If someone treats you badly, they probably don’t value the relationship.
But the women who need this book are dealing with complicated relationship dynamics, such as dating partners who can’t show up for dates and convince them that everything is fine. In response, women work harder to strengthen relationships.
In a research paper on the psychological effects of social exclusion, Freedman et al. calls it “ambiguous rejection”. When receiving a vague rejection, as opposed to an outright “no,” people feel confused and upset. They may think about the relationship and take actions that keep hope alive, such as trying to please the person who rejected them.
Freedman et al. use the analogy of stepping into a pool of cold water. A clear rejection is a quick but painful ball into the pond. A vague refusal to enter the pool, take a few steps to the stairs and go down again – this is also painful, but slow and prolonged.
I learned this lesson early on about rejection career as a lawyer. Instead of telling the client that their plan was questionable, I explained that doing so would require a painstaking multi-step litigation process. I was hoping they would look into it and abandon the plan, but instead they came back with increasingly complex ideas to manage the trial. Finally, I told them that none of the ideas were feasible and that they should consider alternatives to their plans.
The customer asked, “Are you saying no?”
I said, “I’m having trouble seeing a way forward.”
The client said they would take it as a no.
Within days they came back with a much better and simpler plan. Getting a “no” instead of a “maybe, but…” allowed them to take action instead of dwelling on the same ideas that didn’t work. I would have been more specific in advance and saved them two weeks of work.
A direct “no” can be a gift to the recipient. This saves them time and effort thinking about what you want to say and what they need to do. They can accept it and move on.
