My father just turned 97 and I’ve been thinking about his role as a parent all my life. I too have been studying relationship psychology for over 50 years (get to know Back to my research as an undergraduate). I thought I would list the essential elements of goodness parenthoodas described by my father (and mother) and supported by research.
Here are those lessons.
The power of positive expectations
The well-studied Pygmalion effect (and the pioneering work of Robert Rosenthal) clearly shows that having positive expectations of others actually leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy. In short, if you trust someone, expect positive results from them and let them know that, they will be motivated to fulfill your expectations.
My physician father always believed in his children graduating from college, but as he pointed out, he didn’t see college as just four years. He also expected us (my sister, brother and I) to have graduate or professional degrees. In accordance with his expectations, we all achieved it.
The Pygmalion effect is important not only in parenting, but also in education leadershipDov cites Eden’s work to show that leaders who have positive expectations of their followers motivate them to fulfill those expectations.
Being there: The importance of social support
There is a good body of evidence that positive social support from others can help with more than just relief stressbut may bring less worry and well-being is improved according to the purpose of this support.
My father always supported his children. Not only was he able to provide financial support, but he was always with us.
All was not well; there may be some negative situations in social support networks. My father had high expectations for himself. He was an excellent student and pushed himself to continue to learn and develop throughout his medical career career. As a result, he would be very upset if he thought we were slacking off. I remember being called “lazy” when I said I didn’t have homework in the evening. Although it was painful, I think it pushed me to succeed in my adult life and career.
Positive role modeling
Our home life was stable. We often joked that it was like one of those family shows from the 1950s or 60s (Ozzie and Harriet, Father Knows Best). For the most part, my parents were positive role models, teaching us what it means to be good adults and family members.
Authoritative parents
Authoritative parenting includes parents who provide their children with structure and rules, as well as allowing children the freedom to grow (and make mistakes). My parents followed this parenting model and thankfully we learned from our mistakes. I think it made my brothers and sisters better parents later in life.
The power of love
Although my parents were not ‘hugging’ people, there was no doubt that they loved their children. In the later years of our relationship, it was very important that my father and I signed off every phone call with “I love you.”
The importance of giving back
My father, in particular, believed it was important to “give back” through financial aid, scholarships, and community service for a variety of reasons. He volunteered as a clinical practice professor in medicine every month. This has definitely affected her children as we understand the importance of volunteering and helping our respective communities.
Happy 97th birthday, grandpa!
